Supernatural beings that really exist - 1
There is quite conclusive evidence for the existence of some supernatural beings. We at bloggoth have adapted our cheap ASDA camera to see what these invisible creatures look like. Here are two of the most common.
The Bits Monster
Wherever a houseproud housewive hoovers a carpet there will be a Bits Monster to prance gaily about scattering bits from the numerous pouches on its lumpy body.
The Itchy Nose Sprite
This little creature lies in wait until you are into a really mucky job like changing the oil filter on your car and your hands are covered in filth. It will then dive in with its fluffy tail and make your nose itch ferociously.
Unlikely superheros 5 - Unbelievably Bulimic Woman
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| 1 Unbelievably Bulimic Woman is on holiday abroad with her boyfriend, having a drink in the bar of a posh hotel. | ||
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| 2 Suddenly three terrorists rush in with automatic weapons. | ||
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| 3 Unbelievably Bulimic Woman instantly sucks in all the bar snacks, meals from the nearby restaurant and food in the kitchens. The sudden expansion of her belly crushes one terrorist against the wall. | ||
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| 4 She sticks a finger in her throat and the second terrorist is instantly drowned in the resulting thick tsunami. | ||
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| 5 She takes a handful of powerful laxatives and the third terrorist is engulfed in a tidal wave from her other end. It is particularly powerful against Islamic terrorists as she ate lots of bacon sandwiches the day before. | ||
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| 6 The threat over and she is restored to her normal size. They finish their drinks and order some more. | ||
Hurrah for Unbelievably Bulimic Woman! |
The spy in your head
The current government monitoring plans are nothing compared to what they have planned. Monitoring internet usage only only tells them of what goes outside our homes. What they want to do is to see what we are doing inside our homes or better still, inside our heads and then control it.
bloggoth's spies inside the government have learned of secret research that will hand them this ability. In this scheme a substance, known by the innocuous name of Disemarol, will be added to all our water supplies. Prolonged exposure to Disemarol induces a rare form of schizophrenia, commonly known as split personality. Other drugs currently under evaluation induce a form of socialist consciousness in the part of the brain controlled by one of these personalities; for obvious reasons this is most readily induced in the least logical and joyless areas of the brain.
When our dominant personality performs any action that is illegal or on a list of 36,459 (currently) acts deemed worthy of further investigation, this other personality will report us without our knowledge.
xoggoth to the rescue again
Not a week goes by without some celebrity or public figure in trouble for letting slip a racial epithet. We at bloggoth have fortunately come up with a new invention. It comprises a small computer device with microphone and voice recognition software that users can conceal discretely under their clothes and a similarly discrete speaker that can be hidden in a tie or broach. When the device recognises a racial epithet in its owner's voice it immediately plays a prerecorded word or sentence that removes the racial connotations. Unless you are a prince or an MP the financial consequences of these slips can be dire and we believe these devices will sell very well.
Leave MR T alone
Yet another study has been published diminishing Mr T by saying he was a very slow runner. Previous so called studies have referred to him as a cowardly attacker of small animals or a lumbering scavenger.
We at bloggoth had a normal dinosaur-obsessed boyhood. We spent much of our pocket money on plastic dinosaurs and much of our time reading about dinosaurs or making model dinosaurs out of plastocene. Mr T was our hero. He was huge, fast, fearless and extremely BITEY. We don't like these theories that diminish our Idol. What next, T Rex was actually an unemployed drug addict who would suck you off behind the skip for the price of his next fix?
PS We got so excited by the thought of being sucked off by a T Rex we just had to go into the bedroom and play with ourselves. Who wouldn't?
Continuing the fight
Ever since this utterly shit government introduced these so called anti terrorism laws it has been clear they should be more properly called citizen surveillance laws. Misuse by local authorities has abounded.
If council officials had cause to suspect a real terrorist plot one would hope they would inform the police or anti terror units rather than attempt to tackle it themselves. Oh wait, hang on a minute, given the average council's immense capacity for spying, meddling and red tape maybe that isn't such a bad idea.
The British are beating us Osama! Our bomb factory in Birmingham
is going nowhere!
The council kept filming us to reassess our council tax banding, they broke in to see if our hedges
were above the regulation height and then they fined us for illegally putting hydrogen peroxide waste in the wrong bin!
Now they have insisted that if we want a bomb factory we will have to submit this 1000 page change of use application!
Unlikely superheros 4 - Incredibly Fecund Woman
Another in the alternative Superheros series.
Hurrah for Incredibly Fecund Woman!
Unlikely superheros 3 - Climate Change Man
Hurrah for Climate Change Man!
Target
The Great God Sod (whose works are made manifest daily unlike those of the false gods) is nowhere more active than in his targetting of the male bald bit.
Every damn thing targets our bald bit. In the last few weeks we have bashed it on a branch while cutting some trees, bashed it on the sharp edge of an arbour we were moving(twice) and bashed it on the door mechanism while storing stuff in the garage. We want to get a haircut but are embarrassed to present a head covered in scabs. It is now a week since the last bashing and it is about healed, hopefully we can get a haircut soon before something else happens.
Unlikely superheros 2 - The New Adventures of Supertalibanman
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| A five storey block of flats is on fire and people are trapped | Supertalibanman hears their cries for help with his superhearing | He flies there after finishing his prayers, ensuring he come from the direction of Mecca | He does not rescue anyone on the first flooor as they are infidels and their women are immodestly dressed |
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| He does not rescue anyone on the second floor as a dog is loose and has made it unclean | He does not rescue the Muslim men on the third floor because a billboard there advertises alcohol | He cannot rescue the Muslim women on the fourth floor as he is not their husband and cannot touch them | He rescues what appears to be a Muslim boy on the roof |
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Hurrah for Supertalibanman! | ||
| The little boy's pyjama bottoms fall off in the air stream revealing he is uncircumcised. Supertalibanman drops him |
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Unlikely superheros 1 - The New Adventures of Supertalibanwoman
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| A five storey block of flats is on fire and people are trapped | Supertalibanwoman hears their cries for help with her superhearing | She ensures she is modestly dressed to leave the house | She waits for her husband to come home so that she can seek his permission to go out |
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| As the flats are more than 2km away she must have a chaperone and waits for her mother in law to arrive | She flies off holding her chaperone | Unfortunately, she cannot see properly in her Burka and ends up in the Antarctic | She eventually arrives at the flats to find they have burnt down and everyone has perished. |
| Hurrah for Supertalibanwoman! | |||
A step in the right direction
A rat eating plant has been discovered in the Phillipines and named after Richard Attenborough.
What we at bloggoth would like to discover in our own garden is a CAT eating plant. Fecking little furry bastards, skulking around the bird table, killing our birds and shitting behind our shed and in the dust area we make for the sparrows. Why are people allowed to keep these boring, creepy little animals if they can't keep them in their own gardens?
These things might also be big enough to gobble up small children. That would be a bonus.
Evolution
According to a recent survey many Britons avoid any exercise. We at bloggoth are incredibly fit and athletic (not to mention stunningly handsome) but we do not think badly of those who lack our godlike willpower and avoid exercise. We are the dinosaurs. They are the future.
Home brew
Good to see (in principle, since we know this government always utterly cocks up the implementation of even good ideas) that the government is to simplify the procedures for householders who generate their own electricity to sell any surplus to the national grid.
But why is the principle of homes supplying the utilities to be confined solely to electricity? It's a sound principle, let's extend it. How about a connection to the gas main with a one way valve we could fart into? Maybe we could recycle our own waste water too.
Health
Many have commented on the ever changing nature of the health debate. Every week we hear about something else that is good for you or something else that is bad for you and many people are understandably sceptical of all of it.
What is even more worrying is the way that the amounts we need to stay healthy continually escalate. A few years ago we were urged to get 20 minutes exercise three times a week, now it's half an hour five times a week. We are supposed to eat five handfuls of fruit or vegetables every day but just one apple a day used to keep the doctor away. What will tomorrow bring?
Free air conditioning
The other night we were watching some crappy paranormal thing with Michael Aspel. Funny how so many apparitions are preceded by a change in temperature, in one bit the investigator found a hotspot several degrees above normal suddenly appearing. Usually of course, the arrival of ghosts is supposedly accompanied by a pronounced drop in room temperature.
In these days of expensive energy how come nobody has thought of tapping this free source? You could construct specially designed thermal engines in known haunting hotspots using a volatile liquid that boiled at normal room temperature and condensed again at haunting temperature. Somewhere like Borley Rectory could probably supply 50% of Sudbury's power requirements in the summer. We could find other uses for psychic cooling too.
Nazi
There are far too many of the bastards, they have come in from other countries and are taking over the UK, competing with and often driving out the natives. Our solution at bloggoth is shooting or poisoning, exterminate as many of them as possible to restore things to the way it used to be.
They are a problem too. Physically imperfect. We should be breeding for physical perfection and eliminating those that threaten attainment of this goal. Why should we even have to look at those that fail so totally to conform to the proper norms of appearance? They should be eradicated by any means possible.
Eh? No, I'm referring to intrusive species like Grey Squirrels and American Freshwater Crayfish and the ill-shaped vegetables that the EU was insisting until recently could not be sold for human consumption.
What different standards we have for people and squirrels and vegetables. Surely vegetables are people too?
Control
We never buy them but we at bloggoth do like those little USB gadgets you can get at PC World or Dixons. How much more useful if one could plug in wives and children.
PS People controlled by USB always talk in Courier or MS Sans Serif fonts.
Spiritual
xoggoth has been consulting a wise Chinese guru in an attempt to remedy his blogger's block.
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Bring back the Greek gods
It isn't saying much but Greek mythology was at least as sensible as any "modern" religion. Each area of life was allocated to a different god and we all got to worship the one we liked the most. If he/she did not deliver the goods we could take up our prayer mat and go and worship another one. It wasn't exactly democracy but it's much closer than having an awful egocentric dictator god like that of the "religions of the book", even old Zeus didn't have things entirely his own way.
What a great idea if every aspect of nature really was controlled by a different god. What impact would that have on modern problems like deforestation, pollution or global warming? Instead of everyone being affected equally by the actions of selfish people the god concerned could send his retribution down on the individuals responsible. It would be a marvellous system.
All sayings are true
Big bugs have little bugs upon their backs to bite 'em. Little bugs have smaller bugs and so ad infinitum.
Voting rights
Ministers have caved in to EU demands to give votes to prisoners. I bet they did not resist too hard, a bunch of murderers, thieves and rapists are much more likely to vote Labour than responsible law-abiding people who work to feed themselves and their families.
I bet we will soon see a labour initiative to allow others to vote who legally have not been allowed to previously. The insane! Who is more likely to vote Labour than insane people? I bet they are poring over the inmate figures for secure psychiatric hospitals in marginal seats at this moment.
Unpleasant medical conditions 3 - Vibration White Fanny
The condition Vibration White Finger has long been known to be a problem among navvies, miners and other manual workers who use vibrating power tools such as pneumatic drills. More recently, due to increasing use of vibrators, doctors are seeing more and more cases of women with a similarly caused syndrome, Vibration White Fanny.
Generally, given a prolonged rest from use of Rabbits and other devices, Vibration White Fanny will clear up on its own. Unfortunately, a small minority of women with the condition, finding that their fannies have become too numb for their usual vibrators to give them orgasm, have resorted to using pneumatic drills, leading to the onset of the fatal condition Vibration White Everything.
PS The over long arms are an initial symptom of Vibration White Everything syndrome and not just crappy drawing at all.
It might catch on
In the current depression, even better off families are worried and trying to save money on food as the increased sales of basic supermarket food items indicate.
News that Madonna is seeking to adopt another African child might give a few people the wrong idea.
Coincidence?
Someone is suggesting they tax chocolate now. It seems one can never see the news without there being an item on obesity. Another thing we have seen a lot of recently is UFO sightings.
Just drop it in 2
Chin sheep
There is no more obvious example of continual pointless redesign than that of men's razors. In ten years' time we will have a fifteen blade shaver with each blade independently sprung with its own proximity activated aftershave dispenser. Trouble is, you will have to change the blades three times for a single shave because they appear to be increasingly making them of cardboard. And they will cost £15 each.
We at bloggoth think we need a whole new approach. This is another area where genetic research and animal cloning could come in useful. Why not develop tiny sheep with a taste for human hair? When you go to bed at night you could sprinkle a packet of these mini sheep on your face and their grazing would ensure you woke up in the morning with a nice smooth chin.
Rigging the rules to justify the theory
In the discussion of immigration the BBC always finds some employers to complain about how difficult it is to find UK nationals to do the job, but for many of these jobs, in care homes etc, UK nationals would have to provide good references and undergo a CRB check while migrants usually cannot provide CRB checks that cover the time before they became UK residents and qualifications and references are frequently not checked beacseu of the difficulty in doing so.
Next time your care home needs a carer or your activity centre needs someone to instruct children, why not just take the first British citizen that wanders in off the street, no questions asked? We are sure you will fill your vacancies in no time. At least it will be level playing field.
Quantitative easing
Apparently money does not have represent any real value any more so the government is to allow us to print our own.
We at bloggoth just knocked up this superb bit of currency using our own portrait and we think it is simply splendid. If the off licence will not give us a bottle of vodka and some change in exchange for three of those we shall demand to know why.