Where will it end?
News today that a 13 year old boy, not even 4 ft tall, has become a father. Last year, although obviously we at bloggoth cannot be arsed to look for it, we had news not long ago that girls are starting puberty at three years old. We look forward to the day that a baby girl gives birth while in process of being born, you can never have enough unproductive mouths to spend taxpayers' money on in our view.
What fools they make of us
Mr Brown! Mr Brown! The infidel Israelis have attacked us merely for firing a few thousand rockets into their towns
in pursuit of our completely just demand that Israel should cease to exist. It's so DISPROPORTIONATE!!!
Och! That's just appalling! Have £7 million of British taxpayers' money so you won't have to worry about food and medical supplies for your people while you are busy firing your rockets. There's plenty more where that came from.
Of course this won't affect the completely just actions of our supporters when they storm your embassies or attempt to
indiscriminately blow up more civilians in London over your support for Israel!
Och! Good lord no my dear chap, have another £10 million!!
Not again
Art corner
The Death Of St Kevin by bloggothio
In his dying moments St Kevin, attended by Saint Bruce and St Sue and lots of better known saints that bloggothio could not be arsed to paint, has a vision of the lord and seeks the answer to the immortal question.
Unpleasant medical conditions 2
Chamomilla Reversa
A condition mostly found in women with an obsessive preocupation with their weight.
After several years of bullimia and colonic irrigation the gut becomes confused as to which is the inlet and which is the outlet with the result that the entire digestive system becomes detached and reconnects itself the other way up.
Sufferers from this condition are obliged to feed themselves through their bottoms for the rest of their lives.
Note: This procedure should not be confused with similar behaviour in normal males, we usually put bacon and eggs up our bottoms for fun.
TATP Tits
Following the use of Triacetone Peroxide (TATP) explosive by Islamic suicide bombers in the 7/7 London tube bombings, scientists have realised the cause of many previously unexplained reports of spontaneous combustion in human beings, some of them explosive.
Women who frequently bleach their hair with hydrogen peroxide and use a lot of nail varnish containing the solvent acetone can absorb these substances in their bodies when they become concentrated in fatty areas, especially the breasts, and react to form TATP. If a sufficient concentration is formed any rough handling can set them off.
This mercifully rare condition is almost entirely a hazard for cheap tarts and their clients. It is also known as Exploding Prossie Syndrome.
Talking of Genetic Modification
Bee numbers are in steep decline and he effect on our crops and other plant life could be enormous. Surely this calls for some serious genetic modification? The only reason plants need bees is because they are immobile and have to stand around waiting for the wind or an insect to pollinate them. This would not be necessary if we genetically modified plants so they could shag each other. Scientists, get onto it!
Transition
We did not think it was her scene either (probably revenge for something we did) but the missus dragged us to a fashion museum in Bath.
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| We went in a REAL MAN! | We came out GAY!!! |
So if any of our non-existent readers would like advice on sensitive stuff, feelings, that sort of thing, please feel free to ask and... agh, uh, what, eeeehh , aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Too late!
Curing society's ills
For the last two thousand years much of our civilisation has been based on major use of iron. It is a well known fact that iron has a major role in warding off evil and it is clear this has been a major factor in the social advances in our society. Over the last half century there have been signs of a reversal and this can only be due to increasing use of plastic and other non-ferrous materials which is allowing the witches and evil spirits in again.
We at bloggoth are writing to the directors of Tescos to demand free carrier bags made out of cast iron and we trust our non-existent readers will support us in this noble cause.
PS: This measure will also keep people fit and combat obesity.
PPS: And with more iron in their daily lives youths will no longer feel obliged to carry steel knives
to ward off witches and evil spirits.
More great uses for the Wii - 1
We are not exactly convinced that the Wii is any sort of substitute for games or sports involving real physical activity but the broad idea of doing things without the real effort of doing them is great though, so why limit it to fitness simulations?
Our idea is the Wii Mean Bastards Charity game, where you get to sit in front of a simulation of a charity appeal with lots of big-eyed starving little kids and those women with teeth sticking out at right angles. Then you can feel really sorry for them and get all weepy and text in your credit card details and pledge vast wads of cash to ease their suffering safe in the knowledge that your hard earned dosh is not actually going anywhere. We can see it catching on.
Unpleasant medical conditions 1
Calystegia Varicosa
A condition in which varicose veins emerge from the body like bindweed and rapidly climb any suitable support. Sufferers may wake to find themselves inextricably tied to the bed. Rudimentary red flowers have sometimes been observed on such excresences.
Praetor Rhinoplexus A genetic disorder in which the DNA of the nose starts to dominate all other parts causing the body to grow noses
while absorbing other body tissue. In later stages the body may consist entirely of noses.
Tyrranosaurus Spermanzi
A rare but increasingly frequent condition thought to be triggered by excessive use of those "increase your ejaculation" pills from spam emails. Human sperm grow to gigantic size and ferocity and can rapidly consume the unfortunate male source.
Dead people were always fantastic human beings
Can't say we at bloggoth had ever heard of Heath Ledger until he died but suddenly he is an Oscar favourite. No sooner has anyone died and they are a wondeful human being, warm generous etc. It is really reassuring to know that us miserable bastards never die.
If Gordon Brown wants to be popular, here is our tip.
Improving humanity - 1, Homo Placentis
What a great improvement it would be if the placenta was 10 feet long, remained attached throughout life and was connected directly to the main chamber of the heart so could not be removed without the instant death of both parties. On death the corpse would be nourished through its connections, avoiding any decay, and slowly reabsorbed, say over 20 years. We would have a much more limited, more social and less aggressive and greedy human society.
Aliens, mass hysteria or hoax?
A lot of reports of UFOs recently. We at bloggoth sneer at such things. Chinese lanterns probably.
Shame if so. We at bloggoth were rather looking forward to being abducted.
More real uses of genetic engineering etc
We at bloggoth have frequently expressed enthusiasm in the past for tampering with nature using cloning, genetic engineering, animal-human hybrids etc as it sound like great fun and has the beneficial side effect of outraging ridiculous religious people.
Why do we continue to use birds and mammals for food when we know they can feel pain and distress? Why not genetically engineer a huge fast growing creature that does not have a brain or nerves and cannot suffer? You could have varieties that tasted like different meats, pork, chicken, etc. DNA from more primitive animals would ensure that every time you severed one of the many boneless limbs another would quickly grow in its place. These creatures could be put on a slow-moving circular conveyor belt with automated feeding and limb lopping.
Why stick with food? Recent research (which we cannot be arsed to look for) has shown the enormous potential of materials similar to spider web or plant cellulose in construction, so why not have bushes that can produce various useful items instead of fruit?
Sort of obvious but we couldn't resist it
Professional athletes are turning to the impotency drug Viagra to aid performance in explosive power events like sprinting.
PS. Yes it's a crap cartoon but we couldn't be arsed to waste time on it.
Islamic Monopoly
Being great believers in breaking down the barriers in our multi cultural society, we at bloggoth are working on a variation of that popular western game Monopoly that will appeal to militant Muslims. Just collect enough explosive belts and try to blow up London landmarks before your opponents. This game will have versions of all the great features of the infidel equivalent, including:
PS Shortly to be revised to get out of 42 day detention with enormous daily compensation and etc
An interview with Osama Bin Laden
Yet another bloggoth scoop
Tonight we at bloggoth welcome Mr Osama Bin Laden, who has popped in tonight on his way round to Mr Qatada's place for cocktails and a game of Islamic Monopoly.
I am very pleased to be here dead infidel bird. May the blessings of the prophet be upon you.
What the readers of bloggoth would like to know, Mr Bin Laden, is what will it take for you to.. er
For me to what?
I'm sorry, you seem to have changed since I first began talking to you, you were, hang on...
This sort of thing is to only to be expected of an unbeliever like your xoggoth, he keeps trying to redraw a better cartoon of me and they are all crap, I mean haram.
I think the lazy old goat has given up altogether now. I don't feel too well!
Oh bollocks!
I'm afraid we have to end this interview due to unavoidable technical difficulties. Thank you for coming in to speak to us tonight Mr Bin Laden.
Things to come
AD 2015. It is year 4 of the enlightened rule of President bloggoth, supreme ruler. Already Britain is a less crowded and pleasanter place due to the rapid eradication of all undesirable elements, basically everyone who does not have at least a first in a science or engineering subject and is certified to be an athiest.
Although a few who do not meet these criteria are permitted to remain where their skills are deemed to be necessary. The list of those others permitted to live is contained in bloggoth royal decree number 408 posted at suitable sites throughout the land.
Perceptions of age
Generally speaking we do not notice aging in those closest to us that we see every day. It is a different matter when we see people after a serious lapse of time. Last week we met somebody we had not seen since about 1990.
Good grief, what a change! He looked really ancient, almost completely bald, saggy fat face, paunch. We at bloggoth were really thankful that we have hardly aged at all; apart from a very slight thinning of the hair and the odd tiny wrinkle we look just like we did at 25, slim, athletic and incredibly handsome.
Real Victorian gadgets
Went with missus to the curious gadgets exhibition yesterday. Bit of a disappointment as the Victorian/Edwardian gadgets were all little or rather mundane things, like a soup spoon with a bar on it to prevent one's moustache getting soupy or a hand held device for peeling apples.
Maybe we had unrealistic expectations but we had in mind larger more impressive gadgets, a steam powered Wallace and Grommet type machine for shearing 50 sheep at once perhaps. Never mind, we have made up some Victorian gadgets that should have been on show.
A device attached to the servant's bell that allowed the master of the house to goose the serving wench without leaving his study.
PS Note the historically accurate sepia tones. We spare no effort at getting the detail right on bloggoth.
A device for protecting refined households by firing a shotgun at any criminals or suspicious characters who called.
This worked on the simple principle of blasting anyone who came to the tradesman's entrance because
back in the saner Victorian period they knew that criminals and common people were one and the same.
Even if a man was genuinely delivering bread he would almost certainly have stolen something or murdered somebody
sooner or later.
A device to administer a sound thrashing to up to 15 children at once while simultaneously showing them a series of
uplifting quotations from the bible. This would typically be used before each meal to ensure moral rectitude.
Since several of a man's 15 children would have sadly been carried off by diptheria or smallpox, this device came with
an optional extension. A man's duty to the souls of his little ones never ends. The bible quotations
were felt to be superfluous in this case as the little souls would have been receiving those in heaven while they were being
soundly thrashed by the Angel Gabriel.
xoggoth has demanded we apologise for the awful bad taste of that last one!
Political correctness gone mad! He would not let me do the one with the combine Fuzzy Wuzzy harvester at all!
The Pew Hat was a cumbersome device based on the mortar board that would be worn by prostitutes when fellating their rightous
clients who could thus pretend they were engaged in their devotions and not sinning at all.
The hat could hold up to two bibles or books of psalms etc.
Although not gadgets as such, there were several other methods used by upstanding Victorian men that enabled them to sin while convincing themselves they were not. A common one was to have a lifesize nude portrait of the wife painted which they could tape onto the front of any servants they were rogering. A variation on this was a portrait of the wife's front bottom which they would position in order to convince themselves they were in the missionary position while in fact engaged in those unnatural practices spoken of in the bible.
Way out of welfare
What can we do about a welfare society which has some families where nobody has worked for three generations? The obvious answer is to make life on welfare much less attractive.
We propose attaching each of these people to a specially made robot that will hurl cobble stones at their head every 20 minutes. Because we believe in positive encouragement as well as mere punishment, each robot will contain the ghost of a famous and successful person to issue a stream of uplifting and inspirational remarks.
its wot mad us grate
Much has been written in recent years about the inadequate equipment of the British army. It got us to wondering what sort of state Britains' ageing Trident nuclear deterrent might be in these days given that the service engineers have probably had to make do and mend on a completely inadequate budget for a few decades.
Bloggoth has a huge network of agents with access to the highest levels in the British military command and they have sent us this diagram based on the updated design specs of the Trident missile that demonstrates the wonderful British capacity for improvisation using limited resources.
PS: Apparently the original nuclear payloads all got sent to Iran by mistake.
xoggoth buys some sweets
Another typical day in the sad and seedy life of xoggoth
xoggoth has been fixing the oil-fired central heating...
...one very rare bath later
ectasy!
Where dreams and reality meet
Look Moses, I know you had that vision in which the Lord said "Place ye
the foundation stone upon a donkey, turn thrice about and in seven days shall I raise the pyramids to the heavens
to buy the freedom of the people of Israel" but, let's face it, it's been five fucking weeks now and bugger all has
happened!
Today we are mostly
Drawing portraits of pirates for the missus. The problem with primary education is that one can never mention the interesting stuff. What is the fun of studying 18th century seamen if you are not allowed to mention rum and bum? We have always wondered, if the British army went to battle on gin and the British navy on rum, what did our airforce drink before they went into battle? We would like to think our pilots got tanked up on Smirnoff before the Battle of Britain but that isn't very British, so it must have been whisky.
Strange sexual attractions
We at bloggoth have always thought it would be nice to raise a nice little piggy as a pet.
Geneology
In another pathetic attempt to raise our readership above zero, we at bloggoth have decided to provide a regular educational feature. This week we are covering the fascinating subject of geneology.
Here we see part of a typical family tree. There are several ways of showing family trees, some are highly pictorial, but this shows a common convention. Descendants are shown by solid lines, while a marriage or other liason producing offspring is indicated by proximity and a double or dotted line as here.
There are many variations on this scheme, here, for example, we see a family tree that is typical for estates in Liverpool.
And here is another family tree for the wife's area of Northamptonshire:
We at bloggoth obviously cannot be arsed to research our own family history but we have made a start in case our sons would like to. Unfortunately, one of our unions has not yet been blessed.
Family trees often contain other information such as dates of births, deaths and marriages although the small scale of these diagrams did not allow us to add such details. In the Liverpool chart there would typically be between 8 and 12 years between generations. The same figure for Northamptonshire would be between -100 and +100. In Northamptonshire it is quite common for a man to be his own grandmother. The Northamptonshire family model saves a lot of money at Christmas, one man told us he was able to buy one present for his wife, mother, daughter, niece and great uncle as they were all the same person.
There are many other sorts, in Bradford or Birmingham for example, all the males would be called Muhammed and there would be marriage links between all first cousins with ten offspring from each, while in Brighton all the partners would be male and all children would be descended from the Brighton & Hove Gay Adoption Agency.
We do hope you have benefited from this brief instruction and that we have kindled an interest in further study of this fascinating subject among our non existent readers.
Notes
- Re note on 2nd tree. You may think this must be a mistake. You do not know Liverpool.
- A brief key for our occasional US visitors. Northamptonshire=Catskill Mountains, Brighton=San Francisco.
- The above view of Northamptonshire is not widely held, in fact it is only held by we at bloggoth, but what else matters?
Friends for dinner
Strictly come
One of the many things we REALLY HATE about the missus is her addiction to some awful TV progs, especially cooking programs and those awful things where minor celebrities compete in things they are no good at like Strictly Come Dancing. It would be a lot better with a few monsters in it.
Nice To See You etc. etc crap, bollox.
Here is our first couple, Linda, who once played a dream spider in The Fairly
Odd Parents and her partner Ian.
What elegance! Now over to our jury of assorted poofs, old farts and ugly things.
I think the judges have their verdicts.
They can only survive with your votes. Now to our next couple....
A round of applause for David,
who was once a toilet germ in a Harpic advert, and his partner Jenny.
Ming The Mummy
So the Liberal Democrats now need a new leader.
Poor Old Ming, we at bloggoth quite liked Poor Old Ming as politicians go. He never deserved more than a simple shooting and one could have dispensed with the essential foreplay that most of them merit, such as shaving off the face with a red hot cheese grater.