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The ramblings of an old git

bloggoth Mission Statement:

We aim to never raise our sights above the gutter and preferably to stay much lower

More "body" art

A self-portrait in lipstick by supermodel Kate Moss, with a bit of Pete Docherty's blood on it, has been sold for £33,600.

It gave us an idea as to how the Labour Party could address their funding crisis. Once they kick out {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff} and instal someone or something more electable, why don't they turn him into a work of art and flog him at Sotheby's? I am sure plenty of overtaxed Brits would relish the satisfaction of seeing bits of his dissected corpse in a big tank and if they commissioned Damien Hurst to do it it would be a good investment.

It would be pretty ugly but art is not just about beauty after all, it is about the truths we all seek within ourselves, about confronting ourselves with our own natures, about exploring the hidden meanings in er, about erm, erm, well actually, REVENGE is a pretty good purpose.

Please stop now

Some Mathematicians in California have found a new prime number.

We at bloggoth have been re-examining some ancient texts and it seems that the number of the beast is not 666 or even 616, as some would have it, but an immensely large prime number that will trigger the apocolypse the moment it is discovered.

Why must these fools tamper with forces they don't understand?

Sink 'em

It seems another ship has been taken by Somali pirates. On Friday the Russians sent a warship to the region. Good for them, bet they won't fanny about and avoid engagement for fear of breaching the pirates' human rights like the British navy. What a pathetic idiotic shadow of a nation we have become, if you can call this overcrowded island of mutually hostile people a nation that is.

There are 6bn people in the world and there is no intrinsic value in humanity and no worth at all in too many of the inhabitants of Somalia. Here in the UK they are not exactly an asset. If the Russians do sink a few Somali pirates there will soon be plenty more, curtesy of the food aid the rest of the world supplies with so few conditions and more asylum seekers to demand benefits in the UK.

The issue of Somali youth gangs and khat-fuelled violent crime is not some BNP invention and has been raised in the commons by more than one MP who are rightly alarmed at the impact on their other constituents, as here and here. Of course it is "not their fault", they are traumatised from their experiences, have often come here without their fathers, are unemployed etc etc. Anyway, it is bound to be all the fault of our society for failing them.

The trauma bit is not untrue, we are all the product of our upbringings and our circumstances, but pardon us if our heart does not bleed, too many British citizens are bleeding already and too many taxpayers are being bled.

New schism threatens the Anglican church

Paedophile vicars, thought to be some 40% of the clergy, are threatening to leave the church and seek a union with the Catholic church where they believe they views will find a welcome. "It is our god-given right to fondle choir boys and download porn involving 5 years olds" said one vicar "in the Catholic church they have a much better record of protecting us from unfair scrutiny by the secular authorities...

Continued on page 8

Religious crap

Behind the usual spoof The Daily Mash makes an important point about the priorities of the religious. A proportion of girls, despite the school's worthy injunctions to save themselves for marriage, are still going to have sex outside it. A few, thanks to the school's decision to make having this injection harder, may eventually get cancer.

Still, small price to pay so that the religious principles of those governors are not compromised we must all agree.

More religious crap - literally

According to The Daily Mail anyway, some toilets at the London Olympic site will be built so as to face away from Mecca to address Muslim sensitivities.

Not sure what the fuss is about in that particular case as the Olympics is a time for feigning respect for all sorts of horrible foreign people and a non-Mecca-facing toilet in a completely new build is unlikely to be more expensive than a Mecca-facing toilet. As far as we at bloggoth are concerned, people can believe any old bollox they like as long as it does not affect us.

However, a previous occasion mentioned in the article most certainly did annoy us. Replacing toilets in an existing prison which were placed according to existing walls and sewers by new ones oriented along some externally defined line certainly would have cost the taxpayer a lot of money. One of many reasons, many far more serious ones, to be annoyed at this ridiculous religion whose growth in the West threatens the freedom of all of us.

Sometimes, when you have very little power to tackle a real problem it is satisfying to indulge in a little bit of childish symbolic revenge. We at bloggoth have discovered that if we sit on our downstairs loo and then shuffle round 45' to the left and face the toilet roll holder, we are also directly facing Mecca, 2962 miles away.

Happy shitting!

PS We would have pasted a link to a site that shows where Mecca is relative to you but it has gone offline. We suspect millions of annoyed Daily Mail readers have been accessing it so they can face Mecca while having a dump.

Daft

A man is cleared of murder because he was high on cocaine and amphetamines. Next time we have too much vodka, get in our van and kill somebody it will not be our fault as we were drunk when we did it. Same logic.

Stockmarkets plunge after President Bush mislays cheque for $700 billion

Last Friday shares and Bush's rating with the electorate soared after an announcement by the president that $700 billion of US taxpayers' money would be used to buy up bad debts in the banking sector.

Politics is a cruel world and today shares around the world plunged to new depths after the President admitted he had mislaid the $700 billion cheque that the taxpayers has given him. "I could have sworn I left it on the mantelpiece behind the clock last night" said the famously dimwitted leader "I have looked in all my pants pockets and there is no sign of it anywhere. I suspect one of these Mexican cleaners..."

Continued on page 8

About time

Pity they are mainly to be built by the Froggies but a major expansion of our nuclear capability is the only sane option for the UK's future.

Tesco to take over UK

In another bloggoth exclusive, we have learned of secret talks between the government and Tesco, as almost the only part of the British economy that actually works, to take complete financial and political control of the UK.

It is expected that Tesco will demand a high price for this takeover, including the right to build Tesco stores in Stonehenge, Westminster Abbey, The Lake District National Park and many other famous places and well known beauty spots. It also wants sole rights to supply all meals, services and equipment to what was formerly the public sector.

In return it will provide all services currently provided by local and national governments. Customers will be able to pick up leaflets on finding jobs, obtaining benefits and so on, before going to special checkouts manned by former civil servants and other government employees who will be paid slightly above minimum wage, a figure much more suited to their usefulness to the economy. Schools, police stations, fire stations, hospitals and so on will be turned into Tesco stores and will supply Tesco goods in addition to their former services.

Tax will also be collected at the special checkouts and incentives to pay on time will be provided in the form of special offers such as "pay your national insurance today and get 1p off your income tax". Occupations where shortages of skills have been identified may be promoted by "pay one year's tax, get one year tax free" offers.

The sticking point in this scheme is expected to be the redeployment of members of the government who are demanding senior positions in the company. Tesco have offered most ministers jobs more suited to their abilities like stacking shelves. In the case of Gordon Brown the only job Tesco have been willing to consider so far is wandering about looking for abandoned shopping trolleys.

How the UK's national flag may look next year

Home alone

It seems there is no official lower age limit for kids to be left alone at home. We at bloggoth are surprised, like most we imagine, given all the prosecutions or investigations by social services that regularly make the news.

A long time ago when we lived with my aunt for a while, me and my cousin (female) were often left alone at the age of six while she went shopping. As soon as she left the door we would cry "let's play bums!", take our clothes off and happily spend half an hour inspecting each other's bits. We were both mainly interested in the back end. We at bloggoth have not changed in that respect. Not sure about my cousin, I haven't seen her for about 5 years and it is hardly the sort of thing you enquire about at the family dinner table.

If today's kids are never unsupervised when do they find time to play doctors and nurses? An essential part of any education.

Unpleasant medical conditions - 3

Advertitus

This is a syndrome with a very wide variety of symptoms but a common cause. People become so worried about their body image as a result of advertisements and media articles about how they should look that their immune system triggers the very problems they worry about.

Many obese people, for example, were of normal weight until they read too many fashion articles featuring slim models. In more extreme cases, men bombarded with emails about their penis size have found their organ reducing to under a centimetre inside a month.

Commercial interests have done their best to suppress any suggestion that the syndrome even exists and have manipulated the news accordingly. The recent case of "treeman" was said to be due to infection but in fact the unfortunate individual's problem only started when he saw an advert about unsightly cracked heels. The man who needed surgery for extreme facial growths was perfectly normal until, at the age of two, he heard "You'll be a little lovelier each day with fabulous pink Camay". Unfortunately, his parents could not afford to buy him any Camay.

A tragic case of the syndrome in Surrey last week. A young woman who saw the Head and Shoulders "we like every colour except White" advert on TV was suffocated in a sudden avalanche of her own dandruff.

There you are

Don't fart in bed.

Is this an indication of the true extent of illegal immigration in London?

Forty-eight Lambeth council parking attendants – half of the borough’s on-street workforce – failed to show up for work when the council’s new parking contractor began running checks on their immigration status and forged passports were found for those that did.

Not again

Talk about short term memory

There has been a bounce in {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff}'s popularity due to his handling of last week's crisis.

Time will tell if his actions turns out to be wise or not, perhaps as early as tomorrow when the markets open, but let's not be critical on that as he did act promptly and presumably in accordance with the best advice and we can't expect more than that. What voters should be recalling is quite why the economy is so absolutely fucked that it is not better placed to weather this storm. This is the man who taxed us to the hilt, destroyed British pensions and extended public sector borrowing enormously even before the Northern Rock bailout. We now have the largest defecit of any developed country and are less well placed than the rest of Europe to weather this crisis by raising taxes or borrowing more.

US voters appear to be equally dim witted. Of course Sarah Palin would appeal to gun-carrying socially repressive creationist nutjob right wing Christian Republicans with such an overinflated view of US power that they seek confrontation for the sake of it and don't care that EVERYONE hates America but her appeal went much further than that, with some feminist Democrats supporting her just because she was a woman. What the FUCK were they thinking? Still, that's all over now, it seems her appeal has faded already.

Michelle Obama has called for people to vote on policies not personalities. Fat chance. For all the sense the electorate has on either side of the Atlantic and the way they judge only on what happened yesterday we are not entirely sure why politicians waste their time with policies at all. This is the sort of campaign they should be running:

Vote for me because I just love cute little fluffy kittens says John McCain.

Vote for me because I am just nuts about adorable little puppies says Barak Obama.

Give us more rocks

We at bloggoth are generally enormously in favour of spending money on interesting sciency stuff, it is a much better use of money than wasting it on crappy poor people who simply use it to burden us with more crappy poor people.

But even we are slightly dubious about this one. The US spent absolutely enormous amounts of money sending spacecraft to the moon. The astronauts wandered about a bit before collecting rocks and heading back. Much more recently a probe was sent to Mars and a fortune was spent equipping it so that it could pick up and examine rocks. Now somebody wants to send a craft to an asteroid so it can bring back some more rocks. Exploration was a bit more exciting once.

More badly thought out, nannying and wrongly directed law

The government proposes making it an offence to have sex with a women who has been coerced into prostitution. Notice there is no mention of "knowingly". Any bloke who knowingly has sex with a prostitute who has been coerced into the job is a right bastard and deserves to be prosecuted but can one always tell if this is the case? We suspect not.

The practical effect of this will be that many blokes will tend to avoid massage parlours and the like and go to dingy flats and backstreets, thinking that as these women appear to be in business on their own they cannot be being coerced. That is no guarantee either, who is to know they are not forced to report back to some gang master under pain of a beating? Those that really are independent operators are a damn site less safe, both to their clients due to the high percentage of them who are addicts and likely to be HIV positive and in terms of their own security. Like them or not, massage parlours are much safer on both counts as they tend not to recruit addicts and they have protection on call should a women be attacked.

Heaven forbid that, instead of seeking to criminalise activity between consenting adults, the government would tackle the real problem of people trafficing with proper border controls. A simpler sane option would be legalising and licencing large brothels, enabling police or local authority inspectors to openly go in at regular intervals and satisfy themselves that the women are there of their own free will.

One women's perspective here

Cor

Neanderthal woman We would. Almost as good as a baboon but legal.

They haven't a clue

This article rings some bells. During last week's panic on the stock markets we at bloggoth had emails from financial advisors telling us of their optimism for the future and what we should buy now to make money.

Yeh right. Some years ago we brought funds in Germany after reading an article about how well the German stock market was likely to do and the German stock market carried on flatlining. About 5 years ago we invested in a pharmaceuticals ISA because everyone was saying how an ageing population would boost profitability of that sector and it has never once managed to get back to the value we put in. Last year we took our pension when the FTSE was at about 6000 because the papers were saying how inflated share and house prices were and it was all going to burst. It went on to touch 6700. An extra 10% would have been nice.

Oh sure, they often predict things accurately enough, there were plenty of warnings about the latest collapse, but then a packet of cornflakes could have told us that the bubble of an economy based on dubious credit and inflated house prices would collapse sooner or later, what you need to know to make a profit or avoid loss is to know WHEN and the financial "experts" do not have a fecking clue.

We are REAL wine experts

We see Mr Monkey, AKA "I love juice" on link at left (who has not made it to the coven but we have to find an excuse to remove an existing member, 13 being the essential number) has a blog about cheap wine.

Sorry Mr Juice but we find your wine blog is rather subjective, here is a nice objective mathematical rating of cheap wine.

Is there a clue there?

It seems that one in seven children can't write their own name after a year at primary school.

Perhaps before railing at bad teachers we should step back and ask why children can't spell their own names and write a few sentences, read simple text and do simple sums BEFORE they go to school? We at bloggoth could and we do not recall being considered exceptionally advanced in our first year, generally children at our school did know a few basics when they started. What does it say about parents that they have looked after their children for four or five years and not even taken the most basic steps towards educating them?

Maybe natural selection had a point in reducing the survival rate of the least able. Maybe our modern unselective benefit system that enables the least able, the least ambitious and the least hard working to have the most children is insane. What a shame Hitler gave eugenics such a bad name.

Not that we at bloggoth would suggest such a thing of course.

Hear, hear

A thief has been electrocuted trying to steal electric cable. We are not suggesting for a moment that anyone engaged in a rather petty theft deserves to die but certainly would agree with the judge's comment "If they choose to ignore the warnings they will pay the highest price possible"

There is a difference. As adults we all have choices about what we do and if we choose to indulge in risky activities for our own gain or gratification in full knowledge of what the risks are, we cannot seriously expect others to waste too much time on sympathy. If the casualty in question is indulging in criminal activity for which the rest of us pick up the bill rather than just some legal extreme sport we are justified in shrugging our shoulders a little more easily. A humane society rightly takes responsibility and makes allowances for those, by reason of age or mental illness or incapacity perhaps, who are unable to take responsibility for themselves but maybe it is time we stopped taking responsibility for adults who are capable of making their own decisions.

Why not erect clear signs in all relevant languages and then mine the US-Mexican border for example? You might says the extreme penalty of being blown up is out of proportion to the relatively minor (before you multiply it by a few million) trangression but that has nothing whatever to do with it. The risks are entirely known and that extreme penalty is entirely voluntary. Don't want to get blown up? Then don't cross. It's not that difficult.

EU to ban cake burning denial

Some have long wanted the quite ridiculous crime of Holocaust denial to apply to the whole of the EU rather than just Germany where their unique history and the existence of Neo-Nazis seeking to rehabilitate Hitler presented at least a shred of justification. So far reason or inertia has won out, after all, the rest of have never actually got round to gassing anyone yet.

Now it seems the Europhiles had a plan B. From next April, it will be a crime to deny various defining events in each of the EU states; here in the UK it will be an offence to deny that King Alfred burnt the cakes.

"It is most important to emphasise that we are not aiming to create a European state as the parochial xenophobic Europhobes say" a spokeman told your bloggoth reporter "and we intend to show this by reinforcing certain iconic national events with this new law. People in the UK should rightly be proud that your king burnt those cakes."

"Then while everyone is arguing about this sort of nonsense, we can get on with quietly removing all those aspects of nationality that really matter" he added off camera.

Update

Scots nationalists demand replacement of Burnt Cake Denial law with Watching Spiders Try Again Denial law.

Campaigners demand end to office building safety regulations

The current economic crash is being compared to that of the great crash of the 1930s but nobody can have failed to notice one big difference. So far not a single person has jumped out of a 30 storey skyscraper. This is being blamed on current safety laws with all windows having reinforced glass and secure locks linked to alarm systems.

"This is an appalling break with tradition" said a spokesman for the group "it is the absolute right of any trader to be able to jump out to his or her death from the 30th floor if he or she chooses, What on earth are future comedy sketches going to be like? The credibility of having people falling past the window will be quite undermined, nobody will believe it"

Another happy event

In the wake of the happy news of a gay marriage between Mr Zulu and that other Star Trek bloke (the Russiany one and the Chinesey one) comes more great news from the UK. Basil Brush yesterday exchanged vows in a civil ceremony with Christopher Pizzey, his comic foil on The Basil Brush Show.

We at bloggoth were invited to attend but at the last minute we decided we were unable to do so as we were too overcome with emotion. We at bloggoth have always fancied Basil and now all our dreams have come to nothing.

Don't worry, be happy 2

Look on the bright side. At least the share collapse has meant we are not reading about fecking Sarah Palin and Barak Obama the whole time.

Breaking news

BBC to reduce programs to 6 hours a day

In a move likely to be followed by all TV companies with the exception of Channel 4, the BBC has announced a return to 1960s broadcasting patterns with weekday viewing starting at 5pm with children's programs and shutting down at 11pm.

"The basic problem" a spokesman told your bloggoth reporter "is that most of our programming was about people investing in property, buying new houses, doing up houses, purchasing houses abroad and jetting around the world on holidays. Now that houses are worth three fifths of bugger all and nobody can afford the airline fares even fewer people want to watch this sort of boring rubbish than before" "The licence fee may have to rise steeply to cover the administrative costs of these changes" he added.

Only Channel 4 is likely to improve its ratings. Their spokesman was upbeat. "With the huge explosion in problems to report on due to joblessness, huge influxes of immigrants, terrorist threats from Muslims and the ever increasing corruption of politicians, we've got it made at the moment"

Commenty boxy thing

Post comments here. Promises of money or ecstatic praise only please. Anything remotely critical will be removed. If you do not agree with me you are clearly insane.

Listening to

Road to hell by Chris Rhea which seems appropriate

Well I'm standing by a river
But the water doesn't flow
It boils with every poison you can think of
And I'm underneath the streetlight
But the light of joy I know
Scared beyond belief way down in the shadows
And the perverted fear of violence
Chokes the smile on every face
And common sense is ringing out the bell
This ain't no technological breakdown
Oh no, this is the road to hell

And all the roads jam up with credit
And there's nothing you can do
It's all just bits of paper flying away from you
Oh look out world, take a good look
What comes down here
You must learn this lesson fast and learn it well
This ain't no upwardly mobile freeway
Oh no, this is the road
Said this is the road
This is the road to hell

Don't worry, be happy

Falling markets? All will be ok if you smile and whistle a happy tune and don't forget to feed your waspies with lots of jam.

Breaking news

FTSE hits new heights after bloggoth intervention, led by stocks in jam makers.

Gratuitous offence corner

Osama Bin Laden Pictures, Images and Photos

Good morning. I am here solely to give gratuitous offence to twits who manage to be offended by anything.

Me too!

Breaking news

New Rich Bastards party formed

A new political party, with the backing of many enormously rich and powerful men, has been launched in the UK. Although this has been under discussion for some time it is the global credit crunch and the rise in fuel prices, with the oft repeated implication that the greed of wealthy speculators is to blame, that has provided the impetus for the set up.

"We rich have had enough of being blamed for the problems of poor people" said a spokesman "this credit crisis is solely down to feckless poor people, with the active enouragement of socialist governments, taking out mortgages they could not afford to pay off. If they had stuck to living in run down rented rooms, gutters and hovils made out of old bits of corrugated iron as god intended them to we would not be in this mess and if they did not waste so much electricity by sitting around watching East Enders we wouldn't need half so much oil either."

The spokesman told bloggoth some of the policies likely to be adopted by the new party, including ending education above the age of 12 for those whose parents' incomes are below £25000, mass tagging and exclusion from the NHS of anyone whose income is below £15000. "Let's face facts" said the spokesman "Most of these moderate income sorts are not going to be any brighter than their parents and you don't need a degree to be an assistant manager at Tesco. As for those on lower incomes, most will be criminals anyway so we may as well get the necessary preliminaries over in an efficient manner and saving their lives is a bit pointless when they breed like rabbits"

Among the other policies outlined was use of the armed forces to retake some of the wealth that has been misguidedly donated to Africa by charities in recent years.

This clip from a promotional video illustrates how the SAS might be used to confiscate a goat from a skinny little African kid armed with a lethal twig.

More rude monuments please

Volunteers are re-chalking the UK's oldest bit of schoolboy graffiti. Only because it is a prehistoric fertility symbol is it ok to show an erect willy. Needless to say, we at bloggoth are totally in favour of enormous rude monuments everywhere, an onslaught of public prurience is needed to counter the absurd prudishness the "religions of the book" have foisted on us. Maybe eventually we will get some sane attitudes to sexuality.

We are now lobbying to have a huge lady's arse carved in the walls of Cheddar Gorge. Please support us in this project.

Time to start considering our options?

Pakistan’s high commissioner to the UK has warned that US bombings in Pakistan that had killed hundreds of civilians but failed to eliminate any Al-Qaeda leader has infuriated Muslims in this country and made the streets of London less safe.

It is unclear why this typically ineffective and dimwitted US policy, especially given that the probable motive is just the offchance that Fuckwit Bush can go out on a high by claiming to have killed Bin Laden, should be the fault of the British, let alone the general populace which has shown little support for the nonsensical nature of the war on terror. It has never been the nature of Islam to properly consider guilt of those targetted, only what targets are the easiest.

Although the phrase "war on terror" is nonsensical when you consider the casualty rates of most real wars, this is no limited conflict like the Northern Ireland troubles either. We are not dealing with a small organisation operating from one region in the UK with a single rational political motive and funded by private sympathisers but with a worldwide network which probably has hundreds of thousands of sympathisers and potential recruits in our midst, the backing of significant states and, for very many of those involved, objectives that go far beyond resentment over a few hundred killed by US bombings.

What would happen if there was a huge escalation of Islamic terror attacks upon our civilian population such that thousands were being killed? At what point, if any, would our government decide that this approximates a real war and start to protect us properly? In real wars, the UK, in line with policy in most countries, has always expelled or confined citizens of the enemy countries. It may well have been that many of the Germans or Italians living in the UK at the outbreak of WW2 were fully anglicised and no threat to us and their incarceration was unjust but nevertheless this was war and the state righly put the protection of the majority of its citizens ahead of such considerations.

Incarceration of all Muslims is hardly practical but would the government start to root out the militants or just throw more money at self-appointed moderate Islamic groups in the vague hope they could influnce anyone? Would it properly target the sections of the population presenting the risk or carry on wasting thousands of hours of police time checking little old white ladies for bombs in the name of inclusiveness? Would it throw out foreign radicals or continue to put their rights before those of the rest of us? Would it properly check the movement of people between the UK and the countries where Islamic militancy is rife or just carry on pretending they are all loyal citizens? Would it stop funding and support from Saudi Arabia or continue to suck up to this oil rich "ally"?

Many will suspect that if these thousands or even tens of thousands are killed in a major Islamic campaign, our government will do none of the things that are necessary for our protection.

Another data loss "error"?

More data, this time on extremists is "lost". Does anyone else wonder if even the state can really be that incompetent? Or there more to it?

Bring your own fuel says BA

In a move expected to be copied by other hard pressed airlines struggling to cope with rising fuel prices, BA has said that some short haul flights will only be available to passengers who can bring at least 2 gallons of aircraft fuel with them.

"Prices are rising so quickly" a spokesman told bloggoth "that even with surcharges we can never be sure, until the books are done afterwards, that the fare paid has covered the cost. With this system at least some of the extra burned due to the customer's own weight will be covered. Standard Diesel will do just fine."

Customers will be required to stand on a ladder in order to pour their fuel into the wing tank but BA have promised assistance to those with mobility problems.

it's the shape stupid

A climatologist has confirmed what many of us have long suspected from looking at the weather pictures. The more a hurricane looks like a bumhole, the more severe and damaging it is likely to be.

Teach demonic possession and the existence of witches in schools says scientist

In the wake of a call to teach creationism in school science lessons, another professor has called for such topics as demonic possession, witchcraft and voodoo to be included in the curriculum. "Many pupils of third world origins which, let's face it, is about 90% of schoolchildren in British cities these days, believe in such things" he said, "and we should seriously explore these beliefs as part of our science curriculum so we can engage with pupils' ideas about them"

Being very inclusive, we at bloggoth would go much further. We should replace the teaching of all science with lessons in absolutely any old superstitious fucking bollox belief that backward people from backward countries choose to drag in with them, that way we can improve our society and start to share in the sort of economic miracles we see in Africa or Pakistan or have real democracy like they do in Arab countries.

Alternatively, we could just wake up.

How do they dream up these figures?

Mention here of the MOD selling HMS Victory because it costs £1.5m a year minimum just for routine maintenance, major repairs are extra.

WTF? Let us assume a rather unlikely scenario that this 186 foot vessel in dry dock that was extensively repaired and treated with modern preservatives in 2005 needs a team of 5 highly skilled men to work on it constantly at £1000 each per week for 50 weeks a year, that administrative overheads (in line with industry figures) are 2.5x the salary bill and that materials come to £5000 a week, that's still only £1.2 million!

Ah, but of course this is government and specifically MOD and when taxpayer's money is involved the sky is the limit. We suspect this job is contracted out to some private firm. Having worked in defence we know that the MOD are so fecking incompetent that suppliers, quite justifiably, inflate their bills to allow for the constant changes of requirement and general fannying about they will have to cope with and then (not the company I worked for of course!) inflate it a whole lot more knowing that the costs will never be properly examined or questioned. It's only taxpayers' money after all.

Coincidence?

We at bloggoth never believed all that stuff about CERN ending the universe, but don't you think that this is a bit of a coincidence?

Electron Positron Collider from CERN Pictures, Images and Photos

On the 10th September AM the Hadron collider, which consists of several miles of pipey stuff, was started up.

# The Channel Tunnel Pictures, Images and Photos

The next day, there is a mysterious fire in the channel tunnel, which consists of several miles of bigger pipey stuff.

We at bloggoth would not be at all surprised if a few of those damn particles got lost in a wormhole through time and space and ended up in the Channel Tunnel causing this fire. We trust they will keep proper control of them next time.

More recycling of rare good news

It is on the BBC news now that {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff} misled us all yesterday by announcing that pensioners and those on income support etc. can get free loft and cavity wall insulation without making it clear it only applied to pensioners over 70.

By coincidence we at bloggoth decided to get round to sending off our slip to get our free low energy lightbulbs from EDF today and happened to glance at the 3-week old leaflet that came with it. Yes, it says that those with "qualifying benefits", pensioners over 70 and those on income support etc. can get free loft and cavity wall insulation.

He does do this thing of claiming old measures as if they are something new rather well doesn't he? We suppose he would, he had plenty of practice at it when he was chancellor. Hide the bad, announce the good several times, that's our Gordon.

Watch out for announcement of a £100 pensioners' winter fuel allowance next week. Oh yes, and votes for women. What a guy!

Breaking news

Lefty politicians to be classed as a race

Many sensible people thought it quite daft that travellers, mostly white British people, should be classed as a race for the purposes of the Race Relations Act 1976 and Race Relations (Amendment) Act 2000. Ministers have not been slow to learn the lessons of this and we understand a new act will categorise all lefty policians as a race for the purpose of these acts. Under the proposed Race Relations (Amendment) Act 2009 it will be a criminal offence to criticise any politician who the courts decide is left of centre or barking mad, which amounts to the same thing.

More breaking news

Everyone to be classed as a religious group under an ammendment to the Racial and Religious hatred bill

Many atheists and others thought it unreasonable that they should be prevented from criticism of religion while the religious were free to attack their own secular views. Bloggoth has been given to understand that, after extensive lobbying by non religious groups, ministers have conceded that everyone should have the equal right to be free of criticism. If the proposed ammendement passes it will become illegal to disagree with anyone or anything whatsoever on any issue.

To give people an outlet for their frustrations it will be possible to legally direct any adverse comment that would previously have been directed as those who disagreed with you at a designated type of concrete slab. We at bloggoth went to interview a selection of people from various ethnic groups and creeds on the sorts of things they would be saying about concrete slabs. "Those f* concrete slabs" said one "coming over 'ere, taking all our jobs, they should be sent packing" "It's just unnatural" said another "if god had intended concrete slabs to do that sort of thing with the same sort of concrete slab he would never have made different sorts of concrete slabs in the first place" "These concrete slabs offend our religion" said another, "they are worse than pigs and dogs" Upon being reminded of the wording of the new law he ammended this to "they are worse than other concrete slabs and yet other concrete slabs"

We at bloggoth at first thought this was a typically insane piece of lefty legislation but these interviews have convinced us that this law might be one of the most sensible ones the Labour Government has ever dreamed up. After several years there is every possibility that we might have totally forgotten our grievances against other people and become convinced that concrete slabs really are to blame for everything.

A concrete slab of the sort that is to blame for all society's ills

The power of the quotation mark

According to the DT the Seven 'plotters' face retrial. The quotation mark is significant, as they have not been found guilty you cannot say bomb plotters or you might face a libel suit but 'bomb plotters' is ok. Sticking in an alleged or accused of works too.

Why did not these dim witted 'plotters' grasp this simple fact? Muslim extremists - never say that infidels deserve to die, say 'infidels deserve to die' some say. Then no probs whatever.

My life can be hell says Superman

Once one gets a bit older and senses start to fail a bit you can make a few sartorial mistakes. We at bloggoth generally only bother to shave if we are going out, so when we had a shave before we went out yesterday it was the first in a couple of days. We thought we looked ok but today we noticed we had tufts sticking out everywhere because we had not put our reading glasses on when shaving.

What must one notice if one has super senses? We went to interview Superman and he confirmed it is a major problem, he is uncomfortably aware of lots of very unpleasant things, seeing nits wandering about in people's hair for example. "Just the other day" he told us "I was rescuing a lot of people from a burning tower block and some old lady farted four miles away. Jesus Christ! what a stink! I had to break off the rescue for a few minutes until the wind cleared it. Unfortunately, the delay costs the lives of a couple of people."

"But fortunately, they were only civil servants" he added.

Breaking news

In an attempt to woo citizens of Europe and other friendly nations and therefore indirectly the US citizens who fear that she will leave America even more isolated, barking mad creationist gun toting right wing Republican Christian nutjob Sarah Palin is to appear on page 3 of The Sun.

Will this work? Well, obviously with the average Sun reader it will. We at bloggoth interviewed several average Sun readers and they all thought that if she took those horrible glasses off she might be a bit of all right and probably had great tits. We tried to ask a few questions about whether she or Biden would be better suited to assume the presidency given their relative experiences but just got blank looks.

More breaking news

Barack Obama to appear as centrefold in Gay News. It is understood that this will not be a full frontal as his privates (hey! isn't that the way to tell if he really is a Muslim?) will be tastefully covered by his enormous ears.

No grasp of the basic laws of the universe

Predictably the energy unions are threatening to pass on costs of {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff}'s energy initiatives to consumers.

Well of course they are, they run businesses, not charities. Lefties might say this is terrible, they should be prevented from doing so. Then what? Contrary to lefty ideas the pay of fat cat directors is pretty insignificant compared to total profits, all you are doing by reducing profits is a) Reducing the amount of corporation tax the companies pay, leaving even less for government to ~~waste on the feckless~~ spend on the needy and b) Cutting into the pensions and savings of ordinary people, since pensions and savings companies are the main shareholders of all major companies.

You can never get anything for nothing. I wonder if lefties believe in perpetual motion.

Aaaag

Having reached the sort of age where snuffing it is not that unlikely we at bloggoth now spend our entire time looking for ways not to snuff it. There was some news yesterday that bacteria on bad teeth and gums can give you heart attacks so we spent the whole day in the bathroom polishing our teeth because we thought they looked a bit yellow.

Today a rehash of the news that Mediterranean diet is healthy and in the same paper that steak and Lucozade is the key to long life.

We at bloggoth are now running round and round in panic, we hate Lucozade. Maybe snuffing it would be better.

Oh sod off!

People supposedly offended by a police office dressing as Osama Bin Laden, offended by a joke about energy profits. Ok, non-existent readers of bloggoth, did either offend you? No, they did not me either. If you believe the press there is always somebody offended by something every fecking day, somebody being castigated or sacked or suspended for some remark or action which was never intended to offend.

The point is I never feel offended by one single damn thing that somebody is reported as saying or doing in the news, even if they are directed at my race, my class or my beliefs and even if offence was intended. If someone has a go at whites, the British, the middle class, atheists or even engineers I may feel annoyed but offended? Never. Being the subject of personal abuse is upsetting but abuse of some group to which one belongs? Of course not. Nor does anyone else I know, or have ever met that I can recall, get offended by such things.

Most of this public "offence" is usually some bollox dreamed up by the press to fill pages, by politicians to score points, by minority groups who seek to further their ends by exploiting the victim mentality or by crappy inadequate individuals as an excuse for their own failures.

Has something in the news offended you today? You are a twat, sod off! You have our permission to be offended first.

PM to unveil energy measures - another bloggoth exclusive

A package of measures designed to help people struggling with rising gas and electricity bills is due to be unveiled by the government later. The papers report that this is likely to comprise help with like loft insulation, new boilers and double glazing. This will fall well short of the cash to poorer families, funded from a windfall tax on energy companies, that the unions and the left were demanding.

Naturally we at bloggoth, with our huge network of contacts at all levels of government, have managed to discover what will really be announced and it will fall short of even the more modest expectations. In another bloggoth exclusive, here are the main measures to be announced this afternoon:

A woolly jumper allowance for those over 70. Those who qualify and successfuly manage to complete the 32 page application form will eventually get a £10 voucher that they can put towards a woolly jumper at larger branches of ASDA or Tesco.

All council dumps will have special skips for woollen clothing and blankets. Anyone who is in need will be be able to help themselves to a number of items in the year, with the allowance for blankets depending on size and how pee stained they are. Council tax is expected to rise 2% to allow for the necessary administrative costs of this measure.

Councils will stop recycling newspaper during the winter so that people can burn it in their fires, or, for those who do not have open fires, insulate themselves with it. A leaflet will show how best to insert newspapers in the clothing for maximum insulation effect without getting headlines like "house prices plunge 50%" imprinted on the body. Council tax is expected to rise 5% to allow for the necessary administrative costs of this measure.

A new information booklet on how to keep warm is also planned. Your bloggoth reporter was shown a draft chapter and there is some very innovative advice including how to make a little igloo out of old plastic shopping bags held together with sellotape that will go in the middle of your living room. By living inside this igloo and moving heat generating appliances like TVs inside with you you can turn down your central heating significantly. The booklet will be produced by an American company and a few issues might be sent out to the public by 2012 if we are lucky.

Breaking news

Nesting Tern halts CERN experiment

The start up of the Large Hadron Collider has had to be halted after a Lesser Snowy Tern was found to be nesting inside it. As it is a protected species, scientists have not been permitted to remove the bird and experiments may be delayed for up to two months. "An alternative might be to build a bypass around that section" a scientist told bloggoth "but I doubt if we have enough bits of big shiny pipe left"

"It is an intervention from god" said a passing religious loony "everyone know he has scheduled the end of the world for 9.05 GMT on the 26th November and he is not going to let it come early."

More breaking news

Facebook owns your face rules high court

In a momentous decision yesterday a high court judge ruled for facebook against Miss J Turner, 19, in a court battle for ownership of her face. Wording in the terms and conditions which users must agree to before using the service were held to allow ownership not just of images uploaded but also the source material of such images. This decision means that facebook has a legal right to the faces of all facebook users who have uploaded photos of themselves.

A surgical team is now standing by to remove Miss Turner's face unless an appeal is made to the Law Lords. A spokesman for facebook assured our bloggoth reporter that it would not generally seek to remove user's faces and surgery in this case was only intended to reinforce the legal victory. "What would we do with a lot of faces anyway?" he said "It is more likely that we will be requiring attractive users to have tattoos advertising our site. If you are not very attractive we probably won't be interested in your face at all, although really ugly bastards may have to carry tattoos saying they use MySpace"

bloggoth is given to understand that this test case was brought in the UK because British judges are noted for giving away the rights of British citizens to foreign interests on demand, however, cases are now likely to be brought elsewhere in Europe and in the US.

If you are a facebook user you may soon look like one of these

In a related case with even wider implications we understand that Google has initiated a similar action to claim ownership of all properties where an owner has used Google Earth to see what his/her home looks like from above, probably around 99.9% of all Google Earth users. If Google succeeds in this action they would own over 20% of all land and property in the West.

Hey!

We used to have a link on bloggoth to Stop The Islamisation Of Europe but removed it because it seemed to be getting increasingly daft.

Yes, we have a right to campaign against any further accomodation of what is in many aspects an appalling creed but to ask a lot of people to do their own cartoons of the prophet and send them to embassies of Islamic countries is somewhat silly and probably counter productive. To get people to accept the case against Islam we need to stick to serious comment based on the facts and there are so many examples of its nature in the laws and customs of 50+ Islamic countries that inventions and gimmicks are not needed.

We do look at SIOE occasionally and now they say that the Lisbon treaty was deliberately worded so as to allow Muslims to sexually molest children legally. Doubtless the europhiles have deliberately secreted many traps for national sovereignty in the vague wording but legalising paedophilia smells like bollox. If that was the intent or if it ever ended up allowing such a thing to be considered by the law we would be extremely surprised.

Still, is there even a remote chance that the wording of the Lisbon treaty allows sex with pigs? We at bloggoth would quite change our view on it if so.

"Skilled" workers

At first glance the government's new migrant rules look reasonable, specialist nurses, chemical and civil engineers and so on. People like that should be ok shouldn't they?

Read a bit further and we find that practically anyone who earns £8.10 an hour can come in. The secretary general of the Bangladesh Caterers Association is "celebrating" as well he might. Bangaldeshi restaurants and takeaways can now import lots more from Bangladesh if (they say) they are chefs and (they say) they get £8.10 an hour. Even if the rules are adhered to (and they never have been before) that sort of rate, even before the extended family is brought in, is barely adequate to live on in a country where a tatty rented room in a shared house can cost £5000 pa.

In a very very few cases maybe the value of a job to the UK economy exceeds the wage paid but under what strange logic are people who are likely to need social housing and benefits just to sell curry any sort of positive contribution? It may not be PC to say it but the statistics on welfare, social housing and health indicate that, on average, those Bangadeshis already here are an economic millstone around our necks.

Maybe the cross party effort to cap migration will succeed but we doubt it, this government is quite determined to destroy the British nation.

Just a thought

We wonder about the composition of the jury that acquitted despite the evidence, given that the Woolwich area alone is over 7% Muslim (the Woolwich crown court juror summons area runs from Dartford to West Greenwich and as far south as Sidcup) and the defence lawyers' right to challenge inclusion of jurors.

We suppose it would be unreasonable or unjust to exclude Muslims from a jury whenever the accused are Muslims who claimed to act in the name of Islam. On the other hand, given the nature of the faith and opinion polls that show that British Muslims who have some sympathy with the sort of thing these men engaged in is not a very tiny minority, could any Muslim juror be relied on to consider the facts dispassionately?

We do not pretend to know what the answer is, what we are sure of is the idiocy of immigration policies that have inflicted this and so many other dilemmas upon us.

Give us real public servants

Of course we would all feel more kindly disposed towards public servants if the term was accurate but in fact it is usually we that are the servants. They watch us and check on us, demand huge fees for very little, tax us in return for bugger all, tie up our time with pointless tasks, tell us what to do and clobber us if we don't do it right and on time.

If we at bloggoth were in charge we would force them all to be real servants as those in previous centuries understood the term.

VAT/Tax inspectors would come only when we deigned to see them at our convenience, enter by the tradesmen's entrance, touch their forelocks repeatedly during visits and address us as sir or madam. Should they make a discovery they should be most apologetic and humbly wonder if we could see our way clear to addressing our outstanding tax liabilities. On being offered a farthing or so they should fawn gratefully in Uriah Heep manner and leave the room backwards with foreheads scraping the carpet.

Planning officers should dress up in black frocks and wear white lacy pinafores and carry a feather duster. They should inspect a new building with downcast eyes, never looking at it, before murmuring that it all seems in order. If they should happen to discover that the building does not accord with the planning consent they should nevertheless do nothing stating that it is not their place to say. Female officers should then say "Ooh sir, you will be gentle with me, won't you sir" before sucking you off. Should one apply for a Change Of Use on a rear entrance, consent will immediately be granted.

Jobcentre staff should keep you provided with cocktails served on real silver trays while others of their lowly kind search their computers for suitable work. Upon finding a job suited to their qualifications and experience they should apply for it and work, with their spouses and any children over 6, 15 hour days (only 8 on Sundays) on your behalf, sending you all the money apart from the odd penny to pay for their lowly accomodation at the seamen's mission. Should they die of consumption in service, any savings they may have will of course revert to you.

Traffic wardens should wear rough brown tunics full of lice and combine their duties with dog mess clearance. Should they issue you with a ticket it would be both socially and legally permissible to beat them to death since they are the lowest of all servant classes and not deemed fully human. Charitable sorts might wish to donate a few food scraps to their widow.

Public Parasites

Time for a rant!
Says Zebedee

Public sector pensions are worth over £210 more a week than private sector pensions and are growing at a rate of £46bn a year, equivalent to 14p on income tax. Private sector workers now put 91p towards them for every £1 they pay towards their own.

Public sector workers take 35% more sick time time than those in the private sector.

In 2007, public sector workers accounted for 80% of strikes (a fairly low figure compared to some years) despite being only 20% of the workforce.

In recent years public sector salaries have more than caught up with those in the private sector both generally and for graduates.

Up to 2005 the numbers had grown by 600,000 in only 7 years. For what extra services? No, we at bloggoth have not noticed either, like others all we have seen locally is reduced services, closing leisure centres and public bogs, reduced refuse collection and fewer police; nationally, one expensive dismal failure after another, on immigration control, on data security, on crime, on prison releases, on tax credit fraud and on child benefit collection.

It is true that just recently (although figures were before the major downturn in the economy started to bite) private sector pay rises had started to overtake public sector pay rises by a whole 1.1% pa but then, going from figures in the above links, the public sector works 1.8% less due to extra strikes and sickies in a year, they were at least that ahead before the latest pay restraint and the enormous and ever growing pensions perk is on top of that, worth up to 6% even before allowing for index linking.

I am sure that most people in the private sector, who live in the real economic world of struggling for profits, having to justify their performance and worrying about falling pension values are heartily pissed off with the news that these (on average*) feather bedded, low performing parasites, are planning strike action. One of the few occasions when we at bloggoth will be heartily behind {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff}, assuming of course he does not cave in as he did last time.

Given that the main unions involved, including the lefty UNISON, are among Labour's main financial backers, we are not holding our breath.

*Note: We at bloggoth recognise that there are useful and not overpaid public sector jobs and that the pensions contribution is variable. However the average, boosted by Whitehall mandarins who earn a fortune and contribute sweet FA, is dire. Even among useful jobs like nursing it would help if the buggers turned up to work a bit more often.

News

Hurricanes are institutionally racist says deputy BBC weather chief

"Look at them" he told our bloggoth reporter "always bashing the Carribean before going on to the Southern states, places like New Orleans where all the blacks live. If they go up the Eastern Seaboard, it's only as a gentle storm that blows a few pairs of pants off washing lines"

We at bloggoth consulted a meteorological expert, Dr Ben Dover of Cambridge university, to find out if it was possible for weather formations to be racist. "Of course not" he said "these are purely physical phenomena created by ocean temperatures and winds in the region" We were obliged to cut the interview short when he put his hand on our knee.

"Earthquakes, on the other hand" he shouted after us "always around San Francisco! Fucking homophobes, the lot of 'em!"

Update. Since posting this item, we have received a number of phone calls from elderly people complaining that it is usually old people who die in abnormally hot or cold weather. "That bloody sun and bloody snow!" one shouted "institutionally ageist, both of them! There oughta be a law!"

Green meat eating

There has been a warning from a UN chief that meat eating contributes to global warming. It sounded like bollux to us at bloggoth, surely if humans eat veggies directly, cutting out the middle man (or middle cow to be more precise) then we are going to release exactly the same gases that the cows would, it's a matter of basic organic chemistry. If anything, because the human gut has not evolved to cope exclusively with plant material, it might be less efficient in the conversion and release even more gas.

Naturally we went to consult one of bloggoth's many expert contacts, Professor Daft Git at the British Food Research Institute, and were gratified to find that he agreed with us. However, it may be that the BFRI has a solution. They have been working for several years on a feed supplement that causes the cattle to reabsorb much of the gas into their bodies.

The drawback was evident when the prof treated us to a steak from a cow which had been fed on the supplement. "A slight problem we have to overcome" he said "the meat tastes like fart"

And again

Update: Posted above on cows yesterday, today this news. bloggoth the prophet strikes again.

Art corner

The Death Of St Kevin by bloggothio

In his dying moments St Kevin, attended by Saint Bruce and St Sue and lots of better known saints that bloggothio could not be arsed to paint, has a vision of the lord and seeks the answer to the immortal question.

Honouring their names

In Rome there are umpteen buildings and Piazzas named after prominent men, many of them obscure leaders or churchmen that even most Italians probably haven't heard of. We English are curiously reluctant to immortalise our great men in such permanent ways. Ok, we do have a Nelson's column but the square is named after the battle not the man. Is there anything of any great significance named after Queen Elizabeth The First or The Duke of Wellington or Churchill? Not that we know of.

Maybe it is time we started immortalising our leaders as other nations do. We cannot rewrite history but we at bloggoth have started campaigning to ensure that in future the nation's leaders are always remembered and trust our non-existent readers will support us in this. We have already had some little success locally:

The John Prescott Sludge Pit

The Tony Blair Sewage Treatment Works

The Gordon Brown Toxic Waste Disposal Site

Confessions

Naturally, once his Holiness's emissaries had discovered that the hugely influential we at bloggoth were in town, we received an invite to meet the Pope. Despite chiding us gently on our previous suggestion that he was actually grandpa out of The Munsters, his Holiness was very friendly and showed himself to be a thoroughly nice old chap.

Was he not concerned about our atheism and our lack of enthusiasm for religion in general? Not at all. After we had both had a few vodkas His Holiness revealed why. He does not believe any of it either. "It's all a load of old bollocks" he told us. Gesturing around the sumptuous palace and showing me the gold and ruby rings on his fingers "but Would you pass up a chance to con a few hundred million dimwits in return for all this?" We had a very similar comment from the Prophet Mohamed last week.

It turns out the pope is actually a believer in reincarnation and, like we at bloggoth, wants to come back as a consignment of toilet paper in a womens' prison.

Back

xoggoth has just come back from Rome and has ordered us to post some of his photos.

Oh no! not more crappy shots with his cheap ASDA camera! They'll be mostly of pidgeons, probably. Well, I'm in charge of images on this site, pass em over.

St Peter's Square

Some picture in a church

Oh, well done, 10 pixels by 8 pixels!. We can always say we were running out of bandwidth and he might have had to fork out about ten quid for more. Saying we are saving money always shuts him up.

Commenty boxy thing

Post comments here. Promises of money or ecstatic praise only please. Anything remotely critical will be removed. If you do not agree with me you are clearly insane.

News Flash

In the wake of that tragic mansion fire in Shropshire comes one that is likely to grip the news to an even greater extent. There is a major fire at number 10 Downing Street.

The whereabouts of the Prime Minister is unknown and he may be inside. Your bloggoth reporter happened to be in the area and was on the scene before the emergency services had arrived. There is bound to be speculation about the cause of the fire given the enormous pressure the PM has been under recently.

We took this exclusive picture from outside the security barrier as the first appliance arrived at the scene.

Fair weather

We see Hurrican Gustav is causing problems. In this ever dafter socialist world where everyone has equal rights to this, that or the other, even when this, that or the other have been created or earned by someone else, how come only powerful weather phenomena get to have their own names?

This really is grossly unfair and we at bloggoth will now be campaigning for the same treatment for all, we look forward to looking out of our window to see the likes of Misty Patch Karen, Slight Drizzle Cleo or Rather Overcast Jason.

Politicians explode into obscenity

Slang and strong language has always been common among the common orders of society and more recently it has become trendy among celebrities, especially awful creasy-faced chefs.

However, in the commons even the mildest swear words would lead to a rebuke by the speaker and we could generally rely on politicians to express their lies and evasive waffling innofensively and in the queens' English. Now the chancellor's use of the phrase "pissed off" in a major interview appears to have broken the barriers.

Your bloggoth reporter interviewed Home Secretary Jacqui Smith on the social impact of recession and unemployment, especially crime. "We are so fucked" she said "wankers who were nicking a bit of stuff before will now be tea-leafing it like nobody's business and we won't have the necessary to pay enough pigs to 'alf inch the bastards."

This morning we phoned the Home Secretary after receiving a message that she had something to add to the interview. "Wank, cunt, bollocks, arse" she shouted.

Uncanny

Update

We at bloggoth wrote above yesterday, picking a topic at random. Today the Times had this article. Jacqui Smith commenting on rising crime and pressure on police funding. This keeps happening, we write some bollox and then a rather more serious version of the same thing happens. Are we prophets or what?

Darling is our darling

Much as we normally loath Labour politicians, anyone who looks like wrecking even further any chance of a political revival for {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff} is ok with us. Of equal importance is stopping any more of {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff}'s ridiculous, overcomplicated and potentially ruinous measures. Tax Credits were quite enough.

A Treasury insider said: ‘This plan is financial insanity and would seriously threaten the country’s long-term future'

‘It is so complicated, basically all smoke and mirrors, that almost no one really understands it. But Mr Brown is adamant this is what he wants. He thinks it’s the big bang the Government needs to relaunch'

‘Mr Darling and the Treasury loathe it. Plans are changing almost by the hour'

'You wouldn’t run a bookies the way these people are trying to run the country. Marketing gimmicks are being put ahead of sound economic sense’

Those of us who have black eyebrows with much lighter hair are a superior breed in general.

World may be destroyed by black hole

Many have expressed concerns that the world may be destroyed in a black hole if the Blackpool illuminations, switched on yesterday, are allowed to stay on until November as planned.

A senior scientist told our bloggoth reporter "The illuminations this year were designed and opened by that Llewelyn-Bowen chap who looks like a poof but isn't and some bloke from Top Gear was there too. Nobody fully understands how all this Hawkin radiation will react with the gay bars and all those arcades with machines where you can play House Of The Dead"

"Tampering with nature on this scale could end the universe as we know it"

Channel 4 plans new reality TV programs

Bloggoth has obtained details of Channel 4's new reality TV program to be aired early in the new year - Dictator Swap. Some major dictators have expressed willingness to participate, subject to them not having been ousted/assassinated/sent to the Hague first.

January's program will swap North Korea's Kim Jong-il with Zimbabwe's President Mugagbe. When our bloggoth reporter interviewed Mr Jong-il he viewed the prospect with some trepidation. "Zimbabwe has an opposition party?" he said incredulously "What this Mugabe thinking of? Ok, so he do half arsed job getting his War Veterans to beat them to death but what he do allow other parties at all? And this Zimbabwe not even have nuclear weapon and also Mugabe look like chimp!

Our bloggoth reporter found Mr Mugabe equally dismissive. "This Jong-il does not have the problems with the British plotting to wreck our economy like I do, I mean like our country does" he told us. "It's very easy not to have 5 trillion percent inflation when the Chinese are propping you up, you wait till he tries to run Zimbabwe, he will soon find that getting a lot of teenage girls to dance in a line and sing about how they love their great leader solves nothing!"

Other reality series planned by Channel 4 include "Utterly loathsome bastards protected at enormous taxpayers' expense swap", in the the first episode Abu Quatada trades places with Gary Glitter, and "Idiots who talk liberal PC bollox the whole time swap" in which bearded arsehole Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury, will trade places with equally irritating and ugly Home Secretary Jacqui Smith.

Real decisions

Sometimes there are almost incontravertible facts you can go on but usually there is just slander and lies. When things do not seem clear cut and often when they are, serious consideration gets you nowhere, too many random factors to screw things up. US Presidential election? well:

McCain is a baldy old coot. Probably hasn't got it up for decades and smells bad, like most old people. You can see that nice young running mate lady is trying hard to hold her breath.

Obummer looks like the mummy of Tuntankahmun. Long dead people smell even worse than old people.

Mmmmmm!

mmmmm!, er, we mean how disgusting!

Breaking news

Asylum seekers stowing away inside fat people!

Due to increased checks on lorries and in wake of the news that the British are now the most obsese people in Europe this new tactic has been adopted by those desperate to get into the UK.

"I fell asleep at the terminal in Calais while I was waiting for the Ferry" said Mr H Stevens of Kent. "I felt rather constipated the whole trip, imagine my surprise when I got home and had a dump and this Agfhan guy popped out"

A senior customs officer told bloggoth that really overweight people should be wary of falling asleep when alone in their cars. "Some of these people from South Asia or East Africa can be really skinny little bastards" he said "and some great fat slob of 25 stone may not notice until he or she is home in the UK."

More Breaking news

Three men who admitted, during enquiries into terrorism, that they did NOT want to assassinate Gordon Brown have been taken to a secure mental facility.

"Every normal person in Britain wants to see Gordon Brown dead" said a police spokesman "and anyone who thinks in such a highly abnormal manner must be considered to represent a significant risk to the public."

More Breaking news

The businessman who has been missing with his family since their home burnt down in a suspected arson attack on Tuesday may have set fire to the place himself so he could claim on the insurance.

A medium in Surrey has contacted police to say she had received a spirit message from Mr Foster. "It was definitely him" she said "He asked me to get onto to Saga Insurance and ask them when he was going to get his money, before adding Whooooooooooooooooooooo! and clanking a bit"

That's the chap

It seems highly irresponsible to us considering the possible consequences but the The Mirror (not just a paper for horrible common people but THICK horrible common people) is asking for information on the whereabouts of Gary Glitter. In view of the risk to anyone who looks vaguely like him from vigilantes we at bloggoth will certainly not be mentioning that Gary Glitter has had plastic surgery to avoid detection and that he now looks exactly like MR PIKEY SCUM.

Ooops.

The evil of nuns

I suppose there may be some nuns whose faces and bodies are not hideous but we are beginning to realise that there are few whose souls are not.

We at bloggoth once had the misfortune to go to a school run by Catholic nuns for 6 months when my mother was ill and we stayed with an aunt. They were miserable old bastards, flying into rages and slippering little kids of 6 or 7 for no good reason whatever.

We used to think it was just those nuns but it isn't. Over the years we have encountered more and more stories like this and last night we heard some more. One woman down our road was so turned off Catholism by her experiences at a nun-run school that, though a believing Christian, she could not stay in the Catholic church and became C of E. None of our nun-related experiences quite measure up to this more famous one.

Maybe they should have that beauty contest and invite nuns from all over the world. Then they could detonate a bomb and remove some of the miserable twisted old cows from the face of the earth.

PS Here you can Poke The Evil Nun. We at bloggoth did not do very well, we kept poking them all as they are clearly all evil. We trust the final game will reflect that.

As we

As we have said before (all together now - but cannot be arsed to check where) we at bloggoth would dearly love to be infamous by having a sexual perversion named after us like De sade or Gerontius but unfortunately we could think of nothing that was both new and practical. Fancying dead male goats in bondage gear is really just a combination of very old ideas and the one thing we did come up with, Imposterphilia, creeping into bedrooms disguised as other people's genitals and attempting to shag/get shagged by those that fondly imagine we are their long time partners was regrettably impractical.

How about Pervertophilia?? In this strange deviation one is attracted to famous deviants, and has a desire to, eg, abduct Gary Glitter, disguise him as an 11 year old and bum him up. We do not really fancy him TBH but we at bloggoth are so desperate for fame we will do anything.

PS Please ignore the above post.

Bizarre

One wonders why some studies are conducted at all, what is the point? Who is paying for them? (As if we cannot geuss)

Still, one has to admit they can be thought provoking, and maybe that is value enough. It seems that Manchester has the highest rates of self harm in Europe followed by Oxford. Why? What is different about Manchester or Oxford? What on earth do Manchester and Oxford have in common?

Perhaps it is entirely random. We at bloggoth would like a grant to wander around Europe doing surveys about what colour wallpaper people have in their kitchens. We bet there will be different figures for Manchester and Sor-Trondelag and we can present a paper to a symposium somewhere and sound important and gets lots of free vodka.

PS Out of curiosity we just cut our nose off. I would not bother if I were you, self harm may be all the rage at the moment but it is not what it is cracked up to be. Stick to beating the kids, much more entertaining.

Guilt has nothing to do with it

We would agree with much of the Devil's Kitchen's post on adding Slavery to the national curriculum. It may be taught objectively but we are not banking on it, especially in schools with mostly black children which in London at any rate is most of them.

Will they teach the involvement of blacks themselves in selling those of other tribes? the involvement of the British in ending the trade? the fact that the ancestors of a great many whites in the Britain not only had no profit from slavery but were themselves equally exploited by the classes that did, dying in squallid factories for a pittance? the fact that a great many non black citizens in Britain, those of us with Irish ancestry for example, are equally the ancestors of oppressed and exploited peoples? The last thing black kids need, in the UK or worldwide, is yet more excuses for failure and criminality, they need inspiration to succeed.

We disagree with DK on the motive, guilt. WTF? Why do people keep banging on about white guilt? Think about it. Who, outside of a lunatic asylum, actually feels guilty about what some small section of their own race did 200 years ago? Guilt has nothing to do with it, the impetus for the destruction of our national culture is about socialism and the establishment of a global society. Whipping up minority grievances to divide our national society is a means to an end.

Story

This one is a bit Mills And Boon by xoggoth standards, the price of trying to write something that will not turn off the otherwise totally female membership of the local writer's club. It is dedicated to Nurse Myra (who appears to be not at all Mills And Boon) for giving me the idea.

If any among the non existent readers of bloggoth prefer more standard xoggoth fare about trans-dimensional rabbits, bits of land that wander about on their own and civil servants who vie in making up the most unlikely job titles that will require them to do no work, there is also this recent episode of "The Adventures Of Archie".

British economy stops

We at bloggoth went to the shops today but everything was closed.

One chap was standing outside his newsagents, "Sorry, no papers today" he said "nobody's buying papers so we are not selling them" "Sorry for trying to buy a paper just then" we said, "we forgot for a moment". We decided not to commit any more social faux pas and walked home, studiously avoiding looking as if we wanted to buy any of the goods that were not for sale anyway.

We had not taken the van as diesel, even by the out of date signs that nobody had bothered to update, cost some £5 million per litre although in actual fact it had no value at all as nobody was buying it. Or was that infinite value? What is 0/0 anyway?

Perhaps some chap in Cleethorpes will accidentally buy something and kick start the economy again. Needs a war I reckon, it worked before.

Breaking news

Bloggoth sources have received information that Barack Obama's campaign staff will shortly issue a correction to today's announcement on Obama's running mate that has already been reported around the world.

"Somehow a few letters got deleted from our press release" said our source "and we did not spot it before giving it to Reuters. Barack has actually chosen Bin Laden as his running mate and we apologise to Senator Biden for any distress this error may have caused him"

Welcome to our drain

There is a case to be made against wealth when it is unmerited and acheived at the expense of others, when it is used to exclude others from acheiving the same wealth or when it is spent to the detriment of others or the world generally.

There is nothing wrong with wealth as such, not that one would know it in socialist Britain where everyone has a right to a share in our society's riches no matter how little they have contributed or how little excuse they have for that. An attitude that has a lot to do with the decline in Britain in our view.

Does this criticism of Mc Cain for having a lot of houses indicate that the US led by Obama will be headed down the same plughole?

Common ground

Three men arrested on suspicion of terror offences are linked to an investigation into threats to kill the Prime Minister.

No plot was in place but there were calls for the death of Gordon Brown on an extremist jihad website in January.

It gives one hope for the future that we ordinary British people can find some common ground even with extremists such as these. Good luck lads!

Don't ya love the net?

We at bloggoth were researching (2 minutes tops!) a possible short story about a delusional dementia patient and came across this:

Steve Wohlberg is a Seventh-Day Adventist (SDA) minister--a sinister minister--who denies many clear teachings of the Bible, including: The Pretribulation Rapture, The Tribulation Period, the person of the Antichrist, the restoration of Israel, and many other plain Bible teachings. If fact, Mr. Wohlberg is so hateful of Biblical truth that demonic Wiccan witches love and highly recommend Steve Wohlberg's books...

"We cannot recommend Steve's books strongly enough. The information and deceptions exposed in these books is something we all need to understand and share with others."

SOURCE: http://www.wiccawitchcraft.net

Yet, tragically, professed "Christians" all around the world recognize Steve Wohlberg as a Christian, and happily sell his damnable books. If God-hating, Bible-disobeying, Christ-rejecting Wiccan witches highly recommend Mr. Wohlberg's books, something is VERY WRONG!!!

Don't ya just love humanity? Someone who believes utter bollox is denounced by others who believe utter bollox because he has the support of another lot who believe utter bollox!!!

TIME FOR A CULL! If you ain't an engineer (or at least a mechanic or applied scientist) you don't have no place in the world we say!

Actually, we at bloggoth quite like this Mr Wohlberg, he has written various books including Will my pet go to heaven?. Will it indeed? It is perfectly natural for people to worry if the things they loved most in life will be with them in the afterlife. From the brief reviews we are most impressed by this book as it has lots of serious biblical research to show that god likes pets.

Still, not everyone is into pets, some have different priorities, do they not deserve the same reassurance? We at bloggoth have written to this nice Mr Wohlberg to ask if he can devote the same time to reassuring other typical British Christians.

Do they have the internet in heaven?
Will I be able to play my Nintendo Wii in heaven?
Will we be able to get Sky TV in heaven?
Will my collection of Jazz mags go to heaven?
Will we be able to watch Big Brother in heaven?
Do they have Jaffa Cakes in heaven?
Will I still be able to support Arsenal in heaven?
Can I still get my boob done job in heaven?

Come on god, (if that's your real name) we must know.

A difference indeed

The appalling Tessa Jowell was just commenting on the London news about the current Olympics and the forthcoming 2012 one in London. The context? Who knows? Who in their right mind listens to Tessa Jowell long enough to find out what the context or her point is? (if there is one) The words were "There is a big difference between the Chinese culture and ours" Too right, in a nutshell, the Chinese have a culture and we don't, not any longer. The major reason why we don't is summed up in some other of the day's news, the record rates of immigration and the record rates of births, mainly due to immigrants.

We should be wary of blaming all society's ills on any one factor but it is worthwhile looking around at what facts the world throws up and one thing that appears to stand out is the role of a socially stable culture in ensuring a crime free society. Is it entirely a coincidence that UK society appears to have been progressively more directionless over the last 50 years when immigration has been so high? When you can walk down so many urban streets in England and feel like part of a racial minority? When the UK has been transformed into a mess of distinct and often mutually hostile groups with no common religion, background, history or language?

The opening Olympics events in China, quibbles about miming little girls aside, were a triumph because they drew on China's history and culture. The opening Olympic events in London will be abysmal because we will be obliged to ignore our history in favour of celebrating our "ethnic diversity". It will such be a mishmash of multi-cultural nonsense that it will mean nothing to anyone.

When you have given away your national identity you no longer have anything for a nation to celebrate.

And for what?

The figures from the likes of the BBC always mention the net value, so many in, so many out, as if they are equivalent in quality. They are not.

We take in many who view our expensive overcrowded little country, our benefits, our free NHS, as a heaven compared to their own third world squallor and are often no damn use at all. If you think that the Somalian, Bangladeshi, Roma, Nigerian or Zimbabwean communities, among others, are on average even as useful as our own welfare-fucked up citizens you live in a dream world in which the light of reality never shines - try checking the stats on health, welfare, employment, social housing and prison populations.

It is perfectly true that there are those from these and other poor third world countries who are useful or who go on to make a success of themselves, they are the citizens we would have got had we had proper immigration control and we should be happy (subject to reasonable number) to have them. Unfortunately, they are the ones most likely to return to the countries that they or their parents or grandparents came from because, among other reasons, the money they have made goes so much further. Those that go to the likes of the US, Australia or New Zealand are also generally our better citizens because of the checks those countries apply. Is anyone in receipt of benefits or needing long term NHS treatment going to go back to a third world country where these things do not exist? Of course not.

To sum up. Instead of having proper checks to ensure we only get good citizens we take in a great many of doubtful quality and hope that they might work out, we lose many of the best of them and have no chance of getting rid of the worst. This is no way to run an immigration policy, unless of course you are one of those one-world lefties from that strange world where reality never shines.

Not again

xoggoth has demanded we put another picture of WASPIES on bloggoth, he says it is a bumper year for WASPIES.

Another WASPY picture? Nobody will want to look at that!

Ah well! At least it won't have any effect on the readership!

Coming home

Gary Glitter is wandering around airports in the far east forlornly hoping for someone to let him in. He still has quite a hefty income even by Western standards and if he was a more obscure figure he could easily manage to bribe a few officials and disappear but as it is, no chance. In the UK there is such hysteria over child sex offenders that if he comes back here I daresay the British taxpayer will end up paying a fortune having to provide police to protect him.

What a shame we don't have a Devils Island sort of place where we could dump all the terrorists and criminals and other people we don't want who cost us a fortune, Gary Glitter, Abu Hamza, that other Muslim bastard whose name we forget, Salman Rushdie, Cherie Blair...

We knew that

As we have said before but cannot be arsed to find, it would save a lot of time if we dispensed with a criminal justice system and simply arrested people for crimes based on what they look like.

This partly confirms it. We are now waiting for the definitive study that say that blokes with little piggy eyes, small noses and a liking for tattoos are more aggressive.

Why are we at bloggoth so infinitely wise?

No crumbs of comfort here

According to The Daily Mail a recent poll provides a crumb of comfort for {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff} in that people would still prefer the Tories led by Blithering Drivelling (phony Tory leader) Camoron to a Labour party led by Miliband.

We at bloggoth so hate the idea of any comfort at all for {Lying Scottish C* ... Brownstuff} that we have used our enormous political power to commission our own poll of 5 million randomly selected voters and the results are now in.

If New Labour was led by one of the two following men, would you be more likely to vote for them than if led by the other man or less likely?

Gordon Brown

More likely: 1%
Less likely 99%

Gary Glitter

More likely: 99%
Less likely 1%

Brill

Skeletons of cartoon characters

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Is this an indication of the true extent of illegal immigration in London?

Not again

Talk about short term memory

Give us more rocks

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Cor

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EU to ban cake burning denial

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Another data loss "error"?

Bring your own fuel says BA

it's the shape stupid

Teach demonic possession and the existence of witches in schools says scientist

How do they dream up these figures?

Coincidence?

More recycling of rare good news

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My life can be hell says Superman

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No grasp of the basic laws of the universe

Aaaag

Oh sod off!

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