The xoggoth DIY Innovations Catalogue

Did anyone else just love those Innovations Catalogues? All sorts of fascinating gadgets that one would really love to buy if one could think of any earthly use for them and they did not cost money! Sadly they are no more.

Never fear, we at xoggoth are stepping into the gap at the thrifty end of the market with a series of really workable DIY devices that anyone can make for themselves and which can mostly be put together with junk. These are only outline designs as I don't want to spoil the fun that comes from being able to add your own individual touches. Maybe you can significantly improve on my designs, or better yet build them EVEN MORE CHEAPLY!

1. The Stealth Car

We are all fed up with the way that the government is always putting up speed traps everywhere with the sole intention of making money from us motorists so they can spend it on grace and favour mistress houses for Jabba and a few new wars for He-Who-Must-Be-Stabbed. I bet the bastard has an attic at No 10 full of toy war zones that he plays with every night and spends all his spare change buying plastic dead Arabs from The Model Shop.

So stop paying! Ok, you can buy those detectors everywhere nowadays, but you still have to be alert enough to notice the warning. Wouldn't you like to just drive normally at 80mph in 30mph zones safe in the knowledge that you are completely undetectable? Now you can with the xoggoth stealth car! See sketch. Separate conveyor belts on the bonnet and roof conceal the car body and are driven backwards by a pulley from the road wheels ensuring that the speed of the conveyors is always proportional to road speed. By suitable choice of pulley diameter the conveyors can be made to move backwards at the exact speed that the car is moving forward, thus making the car appear stationary from above. You may find that another conveyor on the boot is necessary and clearly that would be best driven from the rear wheel.

This device is simple and CHEAP to make! You will find that two old roller blinds detached from their rollers and then glued end to end will make an ideal conveyor belt. For the supports, use an old roof or bicycle rack and some bits of angle iron - see TOP TIP below. For pulleys and drive belts, you should find a choice of old water pumps and fan belts at your local car breakers. So get building and enjoy carefree motoring like it used to be!

Important note: Notice the crossover in the belt from the front wheel. You don't want to be done for doing 60mph when you really are only doing 30!

TOP TIP. If short of suitable junk for any of my innovations, do what I do. Pretend to take an old fridge or something to the council dump and then steal some of the junk that others have left while the attendants aren't looking. Security tends to be lamentably lax at these places, one could run off with loads of rubbish without anyone noticing. It's a disgrace!

2. A fart powered hand warmer

Some time ago on bloggoth I calculated that the average person produces enough methane-rich fart to power a small MP3 player. Equivalent to a continuous 0.115W throughout the day. Although it would be possible to produce electricity, there are tiny dynamos that run on model aircraft engines for example, this project is a little more modest, being a fart-powered hand warmer that can double as a pipe lighter.

Clearly there are several technical problems which the succesful design must overcome, the major ones being:

  1. The rectum produces very low gas pressure. Not only must there be very little resistance when tapping off the gas but we must avoid any back pressure, even transitarily, to avoid any down-there inflation. This is very enjoyable admittedly, who has not had a little go with the tyre inflator at a motorway service station when nobody was looking?, but it is not the object of this exercise.

  2. The output is intermittent and suitable storage is needed. This is hard to provide without conflicting with the previously mentioned low pressure problem.

My design solves both of these problems while, yes, you have geussed it, being dirt cheap. See figures.

The compressor is made from an old coffee percolator with a few small but ingenious modifications.

The fart gas inflates condoms (if the expense of this puts you off, note that used ones are quite adequate) which, being so thin walled, presents almost no resistance. I have only shown one in the diagram but an average percolator will accomodate several. If the condoms are reasonably full and your hands are cold then just push down on the percolator to expel the gas to the warmer.

The usual round knob on the percolator has a bottle top on it and the gas inlet pipe runs through holes in it across the top of the knob. This means that when you press down you automatically seal off the intake pipe preventing any backward flow. There is also a valve in the pipe running from compressor to warmer. This is not shown here but I am reliably informed that aquarium shops sell small plastic valves for inflating goldfish with or something.

The clingfilm around the normal wire and plastic piston seals it so that when you press down the pressure around the condoms remains the same as that inside it, this eliminating any tendency they might have to burst. The air inlet valve is needed to allow the piston to be pulled up again.

The hand-warmer is made from an empty Red Bull can which is a perfect size.

The nozzle passes through the bottom of the can and the heat from the flame is evenly distributed by wire wool or used Brillo Pads in the upper half. You will need suitable ventilation holes in the bottom of the can close to the nozzle.

For ignition use an old gas barbeque igniter. If possible make the burner assembly a push fit to allow removal when you need to light your pipe.

And that's it! apart from a small backpack to contain the compressor and a suitable tube to tap off from the requisite orifice. I know like minded people will need no advice about that area of plumbing expertise.

Copyright xoggoth

You too can advertise your product on xoggoth. Only 1 per week. Contact:

Small print: All prices quoted are per pixel