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BLOGGOTH Page 6

Bloggoth Mission Statement:
     We aim to never raise our sights above the gutter and preferably to stay much lower

Shrinking places of worship and dopplegangers

Taken a week off this week. Went with missus to Canturbury yesterday. I am sure the cathedral has shrunk significantly since I last saw it many years ago.

I wonder if the main places of Christian worship are shrinking because the religion is melting like the polar ice cap with iceburgs of idiotic worship drifting into the community and sinking our sense.

I reported a while back that the Alpha Course was on at our village hall. I assumed they had hired it for a few weeks but it's worse than that. We don't have a village hall any more! It's been taken over permanently by some Evangelical Christian bunch. Praise de lawd!

We are infested by religious cults here in Mid-Sussex. It's behind only Stonehenge and the West country round Glastonbury as a centre of occult looniness, but at least those areas have pleasant heathen/devil worshipping associations. If the loonies around here just engaged in dancing naked round big stones and kissing goats' bottoms you wouldn't hear a word of complaint from me! Perfectly respectable and sensible behaviour in my view.

Back to Canterbury. Disappointed not to meet myself there. I have been told that there was a chap working there as a guide in summer who was the absolute spitting image of me. No sign.

Maybe it's just as well. If I had actually managed to bump into my doppleganger we would inevitably have imploded, ending the universe as we know it. We only just avoided ending the universe back when I was about 17 (a good 13 years ago) in Croydon High street. Fortunately, he turned into Burtons Menswear before we got too close.

Necessary sacrifices

As is inevitable in this increasingly overcrowded region, whatever the time of day and wherever one is going, we spent time in traffic jams. Makes you reluctant to bother going anywhere.

The worst was on the A2 where a lane had been closed for bridge strengthening. Strengthening? Look you idiots!! It wouldn't need strengthening if you had built the damn thing properly in the first place! How come every bit of road building work costs a trillion pounds per metre and it still falls apart after 5 years?

The Victorians never had these problems back in the days of British greatness. Back then you could build 500 miles of road for a few hundredweight of mouldy potatos and those Irish navvies were darn grateful for them too.

But why did Victorian buildings last so well? Could it be due to the low safety standards of the time that usually resulted in them being built with a much stronger concrete mix consisting of 1 part cement, 3 parts sand, 1 part coarse gravel and 2 parts crushed Irish navvy?

Or maybe the Aztecs knew what they were doing and human endevours can only really succeed if we propitiate the spirits by suitable human sacrifices.

Maybe we could restore British greatness by reverting to these principles. No Irish navvies anymore but I am sure we could think of something.

999 ways to kill the PM (1)

I will confess it. I spend a great deal of my spare time thinking about ways of killing Tony Blair. The obvious reason for this is to get the bastard out of the way so I can spend my time thinking about ways to kill the even more repulsive Gordon Brown. After that, and until we get a real democracy in the UK, I will be thinking about ways of killing the drivelling Cameron or whatever other arrogant egocentric self serving lying bastard we get.

In my mind the ideal election would be like an abbattoir. The scene at Number Ten. The massed ranks of newsmen, the carefully selected cheering crowds. Here come the platitudes. "We have a job to do" "Where there is discord let us sew harmony..." yaddah yaddah Never any references to invading other people's countries on the basis of sexed up documents, enormous increases in MPs' and civil servants' pay and pensions, taxing the life out of us in all sorts of disguised ways, spying on and controlling us until we have scarcely any privacy left, packing our already overcrowded country with hordes of hostile immigrants or drowning our businesses and our lives in seas of red tape.

Behind that lovely black shiny door is an empty room with no decoration other than the curious brown stains on the whitewashed walls and strangely pitted floorboards. A huge man holds a big hammer with a spike on the end. Another stands by with a saw and a selection of large knives.

Next!

We can but dream. Here is an another equally unlikely tale of murderous intent.

An end to wars

Mr Pheasant comes to our bird table two or three times a day. He is fairly tame if he's in the mood, but his lady is very timid and we rarely see her. This was shot from the bedroom window so you can't see her very well, but here he is being very chivalrous as usual, not eating himself, but standing gaurd while she does.

Male pheasants are as aggressive as hell to other males in the mating season but the best of friends outside of it. In the winter we sometimes get a little herd of males wandering about. Or maybe we just have the UK's only gay pheasants. We must have gay robins too as they happy enough to hang about together in the winter too.

Maybe we should neuter all the world's human males (except xoggoth of course, there has to be some quality breeding stock). Maybe that would be the true way to world peace.

I'd start with these two. Not that the cutting should stop at their balls of course.

It really is this dull

Went for a run tonight in Somewhere In England Town. Here is a picture of a bloke who lives a few hundred yards from me. I think lots of people die standing up in Somewhere In England Town. It is so dull that when they pass away they don't notice the difference. Perhaps he vaguely wondered where the smell was coming from for a few months.

He Who Must Be Stabbed 2

Comments by Cameron on UKIP. I hope he is sued.

What a bloody waste of space the man is. Another Blair: Personable, personally likeable, fluent, charming. Also, vague, irrational, no thought but to gain and hold power. Above all, he has not the slightest grasp of what democracy means.

So UKIP are loonies and closet racists are they? Well, the vast majority of the British public want to see an end to continual transfer of sovereignty to undemocratic and unelected EU bodies too. Only 30% see British membership as a good thing.

So presumably most of the British public are loonies and closet racists.

He has dismissed those concerned about the impact of the huge numbers of houses needed in the South East, over a third of which will be needed for immigrants, as Nimbies.

On Monday this week, William Hague pronouncing on the new Conservative philosophy. Hague appears to have abandoned every one of his principles, so proving they were never principles at all, or at least no more than a part of the bigger principle of getting elected. Quote "I don't think immigration should be a major issue". On another page of the same paper a poll showing 76% want an annual limit on immigration, with 69% worried that the UK was losing its own culture. Only 4% were against a limit. Other polls have put the issue at the top of people's concerns and have shown that even a majority of minorities want limits and tighter controls.

So I geuss most of the British public are not closet racists but overt racists.

Pray tell us Cameron, when you clearly have such total contempt for opinions held by the British public, why exactly do you expect them to vote for you?

My suggestion. Stab this useless arrogant bastard now, before he gets into power. You can never stab a politician too early in my view.

Vote? what for?

Unless something changes dramatically, a highly improbable replacement of the drivelling Cameron by Tebbit or Davies or Boris Johnson, I have decided I shall not even bother to walk the 200 yards up the road to vote at the next general election.

I think it will be the first time ever I have not voted but I simply see no point. One lot of self-seeking bastards who totally ignore public opinion or the other lot of self-seeking bastards who totally ignore public opinion. What the hell difference does it make?

From letters to the Telegraph I do not think I am alone in my opinion of Cameron. If the Tory party no longer stands for a smaller state or lower taxes or incentives for effort or for defending British culture or individual freedom, then what the hell use is it?

Water shortage, unreasonable women and necessary usage

We have a major water shortage in the South East and dire restrictions are looming. Naturally we at bloggoth are determined to do our bit. I got a water butt yesterday and fixed it to the downpipe, a move bound to ensure it never rains again I thought, and blow me, this morning it was full.

The little stream at the bottom of our garden is flowing again too. I had hoped the wife would be keen to do her civic duty, but when I suggested she should use the flat stones I had thoughfully put there for her so she could wash the dishes and clothes instead of using those water wasteful kitchen appliances she was just not interested. That is so typical! Maybe I should divorce her and buy a poor Indian wife instead, they don't seem to use their dishwashers and washing machines all the time!

I will certainly do my duty and use the small deep pool next to the fence for my necessary functions instead of wasting water by flushing the WC. The fact that the stream then flows across the garden next door has nothing to do with it.

Giving up smoking the economical way

I know many have appreciated my tips on low cost sex aids in the past. I have received numerous requests to bring my unique mean, er. I mean thrifty, outlook to bear on other areas of life.

I am happy to oblige. Much in the news at the moment, what with the ban, government sponsored ads on TV and provision of NHS centres, is smoking or rather the need to stop smoking. I never had the slightest problem myself but I suppose one can't expect willpower like mine in lesser mortals. Unfortunately, these nicotine patches seem to be seriously expensive. I had a look on line and the cheapest 7 day packs are around £17 plus delivery. Those of you who are careful with money like myself must find that really galling. Yes, I know, I expect a pleasure cruise in the Caribbean for that sort of money too!

Fortunately, there are alternatives. Nicotine has long been a remedy for greenfly and other garden pests and it is apparently still the only effective remedy for the leaf miner grub. It is quite difficult to get these days but there are one or two products on sale for use by the professional gardener, such as this one, which is 95% nicotine. You can either refill your old nicotine patches, or better, since they are probably not robust enough for much reuse, simply soak your underpants and/or knickers in a diluted solution overnight and leave to dry before wearing. I am sure that should work a treat.

What concentration? Look, you will have to do a bit of research and work that out for yourself, I can't do everything for you you know! It takes a 5% solution to kill greenfly and you are thousands of times bigger so I wouldn't worry too much. Maybe it will say on the label what concentration it needs for the greenfly just to stop smoking.

I suppose I should point out that some boring "responsible" sorts would say that liquid nicotine is extremely toxic and that following my advice could prove dangerous or even fatal. Such advice is typical of the namby pamby nanny state in my opinion, and even if it could be true, are my fellow astutes seriously going to let a slight risk like that get in the way of saving several pounds? Of course not!

I look forward to receiving all your success stories about how you kicked smoking cheaply by following my advice. At the very least you won't get leaf miner grub in your arse and if you do poison yourself, don't forget it is much less painful way to go than lung cancer and you will have the satisfaction of going to your maker knowing you saved a few quid.

Sign of the times?

I tried cottaging once but never got any action. I must have hung around for over two hours at this place in the next village until the old lady who lived in the cottage told me to go away or she'd call the police.

No, but seriously, having drunk the usual umpteen cups of coffee at work I had to stop at a layby with a public convenience on the drive back today. My old van with all the holes in the floor was much more practical in that respect, I didn't even have to get out of my seat. I needed to get my banana out of the back too, ooer missus, no I mean the one I had brought in case I got hungry on the trip home which I had forgotten to get out of my case in the back of the van.

Anyway, I know all about ladettes, women who like to drink and put it about a bit as much as us blokes but I hadn't realised they had actually started cottaging at public toilets for lesbian sex.

This sign was only outside the ladies, there was no sign outside the gents.

Cash for honours 2

News that He Who Must Be Stabbed is to be interviewed by the police. Officers! Don't waste your time with evidence! He is guilty!. I trust you will do your duty.

I know you are sensitive over accusations regarding some unfortunate mishaps involving frizzy-haired gentleman but be secure in the knowledge that should HWMBS happen to hang himself, get shot, stabbed, poisoned, drowned, gassed, buggered by a rhinocerus, crushed by a bulldozer, blown up, eaten by wolves and then burned to a crisp in a series of unfortunate accidents on the way to his cell, be assured that I for one will not think it in any way suspicious.

It would be tragic, but these things happen unfortunately.

Cash for honours 3

"Cash for honours" The words on the front page of The Times today. But it's only in a small box down at the bottom of the page. Has this issue really become so un-newsworthy.?

Ah! It's the other cash for honours scandal! Winners of Blue Peter badges, which entitle the bearers to free entry into a number of venues, have been selling them on Ebay. Now Blue Peter is looking into ways of preventing anyone who has not won a badge themselves from gaining free admissions.

Why? Surely it is entirely wrong to condemn such enterprise that is so in keeping with the spirit of modern society? These youngsters clearly have a great future in politics.

Military Aircraft

The brilliant engineering brain of xoggoth strikes again, this time with a great idea for cheaper and more reliable military aircraft. See the Science and technology column.

Another NL (and us) failure

The Environment Secretary, the gorgeous Margaret Becket (Phwooorrr! I will just have to go and touch myself a bit now from the very thought of her) has been trying to avoid blame for the fact that the promised reductions in greenhouse gas emissions have not materialised. Much as it is against my principles not to blame government for everything I have to agree that the other 60 million of us have something to do with this too.

But the principle measure the government has taken has been singularly unintelligent. High fuel duties on their own damage our economy and may simply be handing our business to overseas competitors who are not so concerned about the issue. Higher fuel duties should have been matched by lower corporate taxes. As fuel costs would have been a much higher portion of their total costs, there would still be incentive for companies to reduce fuel usage but they would have remained competitive. Unfortunely, tax with Brownstuff is never really about the environment or the economy, they are about a socialist need to grow the state and to redistribute wealth regardless of the merits of the net recipients.

The huge hikes in fuel duty in the early days of NL governments by the awful Brownstuff probably damaged our haulage industry to no effect whatever. A lorry driver I knew at the time said it would simply hand business to our continental competitors who could fill up cheaply across the channel and take the business from our own hauliers. He reckoned that with extra belly tanks that they could fit legally, they could make it all the way to Scotland and back. It looks like he knew what he was talking about. On our motorways now, apart from supermarket deliveries and road stone and similar short haul items, how many British large lorries do you ever see? The worst of it is that the extra distances must have increased rather than reduced fuel usage.

In the same news item the Archbishop of Canterbury warned that failure to tackle global warming would lead to "billions of deaths" I daresay most reading that would be scoffing and calling it a ridiculous exaggeration.

I don't. Time for my favourite "Cougan's Bluff" quote again. "You won't believe what's going to happen to you"

Here is a totally gratuitous picture of the gorgeous Margaret for the many people who fancy her as much as I do.

Circus

It was on the TV news last week. Just one or two circuses still use wild animals in their acts. Despite being a loony tree hugger sort who much prefers wild animals to people, I was not entirely convinced by the protests. Certainly nobody should be taking rare species from the wild anymore, but according to the circus owner they had bred all the animals they used. I would have thought that if the animals were stressed or bored or ill-treated they would show some sign of it. It's the only life they know, so, assuming they can manage to provide such large animals with enough exercise to keep them healthy, I'm not quite sure why it's worse than keeping domestic dogs or cats.

The only reason I thought of last week's news was because one of these circuses is in a well known sporting venue in Somewhere In England Town tonight and I drive past it to and from work. There was a handful of protester with placards. One had a loud hailer and as I went past I just caught "..animals forced to perform unnatural acts"

Whaheee, now you're talking! Do you think they have any baboons??

UPDATE. It's this one apparently. It appears they have an elderly elephant but no baboons! Pah! If they are seriously wanting me to pay for unnatural acts with an elderly elephant it had better be cheap, that's all I can say.

Parts

I don't like to be a whistle blower, but I feel it is my duty to state that I have major concerns about some of the standards applicable to military aircraft design in this country.

Naturally I cannot take photos, but several pieces of equipment have come to my attention that include shocking pink wiring with yellow sleeving and lime green metal casings. Even worse is the protective nylon mesh on the wiring which looks like a tart's fishnet stocking. It is perfectly clear to me that some parts our aircraft industry is supplying to our brave boys for their defence of our democracy are a bunch of degenerate transvestite ass-for-sale POOF aircraft parts.

I am informed that shocking pink is a required safety standard for parts adjacent to fuel tanks but I have no doubt that this "standard" has been somehow imposed on us by fifth columnists from some gay commie pinko faggot conspiracy or even worse, some fanatical EYE RAKKI Al Quaida sorts. The motive is clearly propoganda. If, god forbid, any UK or US military aircraft fitted with these parts were downed by these lunatic insurgents, they could have a field day laughing at our expense.

God! Those deviant parts make me sick to my stomach just thinking about them. What would Winston Churchill or the great General McArthur have thought of them? I know damn well! If we had supplied FAGGOT parts like that, they would have hit the roof and demanded, safety or not, that all equipment was supplied using different shades of navy blue or black or khaki. Proper REGULAR GUY colours! Then they would have had those degenerate aircraft parts SHOT!

I have written to HRH Prince Charles as CIC of the armed forces demanding in the strongest possible terms that in future this country only builds aircraft that ALMIGHTY GOD HIMSELF would be PROUD to carpet bomb those goddam AYE RAB towel-heads with.

Lords Reform

Lords reform is suddenly back on the agenda. It is widely believed that this is to deflect opinion from the honours for loans scandal. Oooooh! Aren't people cynical? Naturally we at bloggoth don't believe that for a moment!

Suddenly, now he is in a weeker position, He-Who-Must-Be-Stabbed seems to be accepting that there should be a significant proportion of elected peers. How very gracious of him.

This is supposed to be a democracy. In a democracy how can there be any other possible make up of a second chamber but a fully elected one? But HWMBS and most of the other bastards in politics, including Cameron, don't want a real democracy. They prefer the usual six weeks of empty promises and lies and half-truths, that inconvenient period they call an election, followed by 5 years of dragooning their MPs through the lobbies to vote whichever way a few top ministers decide.

It is most curious how they are always banging on about people from all walks of life fulfilling their potential regardless of background and yet won't trust them to decide even the broad direction of their own futures.

Naturally, they will argue that a fully elected second house will lead to political stalemate, hamper legislation and damage the UK. So true. We wouldn't want the UK to be HAMPERED by too much democracy would we? So let's follow the lead of all those dynamic countries like Syria and Zimbbawe. Who on earth would want to become a backward loser country like Switzerland or the United States?

Public opinion outside of elections? who cares about that? If things go on the way they are going I wonder how long we will have elections. Is there even any point in having them now? More and more people are certainly coming to the conclusion that there is very little point in voting in them.

For God's sake Blair, go!!

Hints that He-Who-Must-Be-Stabbed may be around for a while yet.

Apparently, being more concerned with his "legacy" than with the interests of the British people as usual, he does not want to go out on a low note of scandals over loans and ever worse news from Iraq.

So what, when we eventually get rid of the bastard, will be the legacy of his governments? Just off the top of my head:

1. Involvement in a pointless war, sorry, 4 pointless wars, entirely at his decree
2. Enormous increases in taxation at every level
3. Massive spending on health and education to remarkably little effect
4. A vast increase in state spending on beurocracy and beurocrats
5. Abject cowardice on tackling public sector pensions
6. An explosion of red tape and of dictat
7. Big cockups over foot and mouth
8. Reduction of UK competitiveness, more business taxes, more red tape, more "social" disincentives to employ
9. A totally unprincipled viciousness in dealing with opponents, even former colleagues
10. Politicisation of the civil service and the police
11. Continual tales of favouritism and patronage and financial sleeze
12. Legislation, like the hunting ban, that acheived no purpose whatever
13. Legislation, like IR35, that had a legitimate purpose but was a total cockup in the implementation
14. A deluge of spin and huge increase in public money spent on political advisers
15. A major loss of democracy and reduction in the influence of parliament
16. Huge losses of individual freedom and extensions of state surveillance
17. A vast explosion in asylum seekers and almost totally uncontrolled immigration generally
18. A further reduction of what little industry we had
19. An avalanche of credit debt
20. A proliferation of benefit claimants, enough new "disabled" to make us suspect a hidden war
21. More destruction of incentive by means testing
22. A vast extension of the expensive disguised (undeclared as public borrowing) borrowing that is PPE
23. Floating of idiotic unworkable initiatives, like "on the spot fines", without consultion
24. Ministers spending more time promoting some of our competitors than the UK
25. Creation of the pensions crisis by a massive tax raid and other means
26. Having his tongue firmly wedged up the arse of one of worst US presidents that most of us can recall
27. An idiotic adoption of the European Human Rights charter which he then proceeded to blame for his own legal failures
28. More terrorism mainly due to above mentioned wars and above mentioned lack of immigration controls
29. Alienation of much of Europe

However, I do try to be fair and always find something positive to say about someone when possible. Keeping the Northern Ireland peace process going has been a very major acheivement, making the BOE independent was an excellent move and stakeholder pensions were good too. But the nicest thing I will probably have to say about HWMBS after he has gone, assuming Brownstuff succeeds him.

Please come back Tony. You were never half as much fecking shite as your successor!!!

Councils

News in the Times that costs of Evening Classes are to double

There is a continual rise in the costs of the services we have to pay for individually. As someone who has to live in various places I found out long ago that it's cheaper to join a private gymn than the one at the Council leisure centres. I don't even bother enquiring at those anymore. I rarely get books out of a public library either; being the forgetful sort who omits to return books on time I find it pays to buy most books rather than pay for a three week library fine. You are no longer permitted to take any large expensive books from our library anyway, they are all marked "Library use only". If you want tatty old noveles, it's quicker and cheaper to go to one of the many charity shops.

There is a continual reduction in the services we pay the council tax for. When I first moved to this village we had a village policeman but he went years ago. The bin men collected from around the back of our houses until two years ago. Now if you don't leave bags by the pavement they don't get collected. (Still, good excuse not to give the bastards a christmas tip any more!). Many public conveniences are now closed most, if not all of the time.

There have been way above inflation increases in the council tax for several years. Even a shabby little 1 bed flat at the top of a tenement, like this one I rent on contract, costs me nearly £900 pa before any reductions.

We pay all this money for absolutely FUCK ALL and then the parasitic BASTARD council workers have the nerve to go on strike, because, god forbid, a few of them might actually have to work to only five years less than the rest of us to earn their index-linked pensions.

It isn't all the council's or the council worker's fault though. Much of it is due to more disguised tax rises by central government, with more duties imposed on councils and reduced state funding. Much of that money will be spent on the continual increases in the even more parasitic central government employees and in funding the near 1 trillion public sector pension defecit.

It puts me in mind of that very old joke that lists the number of children, retired people, those serving in the armed forces and so on, then after each rather exaggerated but believable figure, it gives the total of those left to do the work and ends with the punchline. "Number left to do the work: 2. You and me, and you had better get your finger out because I'm tired of supporting this country on my own.

Some time in the not so distant future, this old chestnut will be much shorter:
     Population of the UK: 75 million.
     Those employed in totally pointless jobs in utterly parasitic governmental bodies: 74,999,998
     Number left to do the work. 2. You and me etc.

No, not very funny is it? It won't be, because it won't be a joke!

Anyone know where I can buy a "KILL A CIVIL SERVANT TODAY" sticker for my van?

Thoughts on time

Clocks going forward

Every year there are the same arguments in the letters pages of the papers, it would be so much more sensible to have GMT all the year round, it would be so much more sensible to have British Summer Time all the year round, just think of all the extra children killed on the road in the darker mornings, why are we all inconvenienced for the sake of farmers in the Hebrides? etc. etc. yaddah, yaddah.

Nobody ever gets to the nub of the issue.

Why, when clocks go foward, does it always have to lose us an hour of our precious weekends? What's wrong with putting clocks forward at 10am on a Wednesday so it comes out of the time of our stinking employers/clients? Naturally, if I start at 9am and end at 6pm with an hour for lunch, that's 8 hours I want paying for, not my problem if clocks go forward. They should be damn grateful I deign to work for them at all.

Timing of clocks going back for winter is a different matter of course. Let's leave things as they are. Why must people make such a ridiculous fuss about trivial things?

Flip book living

I really hate losing an hour of my precious weekend. I look forward to it all week and in a flash it seems to be gone. Come to that, the dull weekdays seems to be gone in a flash too. It's a truism, the older you get the faster time seems to pass. Us over 50s live in a flipbook world.

A Giant Tortoise called Addwaitya, thought to be over 250 years old, has just died in India. I wonder if his last 150 years went in a flash? Or did he have the secret of living as slowly in his mind as he did in his body? Maybe we should all be injecting ourselves with Giant Tortoise blood and having Giant Tortoise gland transplants. I intend to write to my MP and demand that we over 50s get Giant Tortoise transplants on the NHS. I paid my National Insurance!

Kettles and things

If we can't make time appear to go slower, maybe we should speed things up so we don't waste so much of what little we appear to have. I am really impatient and hate the time things take, simple everyday tasks like booting computers, boiling kettles or making toast. Too complicated to do too much about the first beyond run the usual tools occasionally, but the others should be easy.

So why can't I buy a simple thing like a 50kW kettle?? I have enquired in Currys and Comet but they just look at me as though I'm an imbecile. Me! The greatest scientific brain in the Western world! Useless companies! they don't even stock a 20kW toaster.

I never let myself be deterred by the limited thinking of my fellow humans. I have done a count and there are 35 13Amp electrical sockets in my house. Let's leave a small margin for safety and say 10Amp, so that's (35 * 10 * 240) /1000 = 84 kW. According to my calculations, assuming room temperature of 20'C, that should boil a litre of water in a shade under 4 seconds. That's more like it!

Now! All I need is 35 plugs, a lot of cable and a kettle with 35 2.4kW elements and I can start really saving some of my precious time! Watch this space.

God withdraws his gift of understanding from atheists?

I like to play the blog terrorist and post completely bollox comments on other people's blogs. It serves them right for not commenting on my infinitely superior one. Not that I welcome criticism, but the occasional "ooooh xoggoth you are so fantastic, can I have your babies?" would be nice." You might have to wait a while ladies as my tadpoles are on zimmer frames these days but it would be well worth the wait I assure you.

So anyway, posting some crap about zombies on Mrs Catflaps's blog in response to something about the resurrection and I got to thinking about the latter, or the little I remember about it anyhow. As I recall, some had gone to Christ's tomb and finding it empty, enquired of a man they took to be a gardener. And JC, for it was he, said "do you not know me?".

I suppose it must have been the kid's version, because when I tried to look for this on the net, in Corinthians and Romans which are supposed to cover this bit, all I found was gobbledy gook. I am sure the bible used to make some sort of sense. Now it seems to contain nothing but incoherent drivel like this:

1. 002:025 For circumcision verily profiteth, if thou keep the law: but if thou be a breaker of the law, thy circumcision is made uncircumcision.
2. 002:026 Therefore if the uncircumcision keep the righteousness of the law, shall not his uncircumcision be counted for circumcision?
3. 002:027 And shall not uncircumcision which is by nature, if it fulfil the law, judge thee, who by the letter and circumcision dost transgress the law?
4. 002:028 For he is not a Jew, which is one outwardly; neither is that circumcision, which is outward in the flesh:
5. 002:029 But he is a Jew, which is one inwardly; and circumcision is that of the heart, in the spirit, and not in the letter; whose praise is not of men, but of God.

Long winded way of saying it's what inside that counts. I think. I did like the imagery of the above though. Man goes into Tescos and nicks a packet of wine gums. Lo!!! his foreskin is back again! On the way home he is really sorry he did it and vows never to do it again and Lo! his foreskin is gone again. Then he swears at the Mrs and Lo! his foreskin is back!. It sounds like a sort of unexpergated Jewish version of Pinochio.

An endorsement and a suggestion

I have been needing to do a bit of SQL in my current contract and have found the little book by Sams Publishing, "Teach yourself SQL in 10 Minutes" to be all I needed. We at bloggoth are always happy to lend good products the enormous cachet of our recommendation. I have no doubt their sales will increase enormously over the next few weeks.

But thinking about the incomprehensibility of the bible, as I commented on above, I got to wondering if maybe Sams could become even more successful if they looked beyond IT subjects. It's a busy world and most of us haven't got time trying to extract the meaning from long winded archaic language like that. For busy material people who nevetheless have that yearning for "something more than this" my suggested range should go down a storm.

Moderation works but's it's nowhere near as much fun

My original point in looking for the story of the resurrection was that, at least according to my recollection, it seemed so convincing. If the story had had Christ ascending to heaven in a chorus of angels visible to all mankind the reaction of many would be "yeh, pull the other one" But coming back and being mistaken for a gardener? If you went to a friend's grave to pay your respects the last person you would expect to see would be him, so yes, no matter how familiar they seemed to be, you would take somebody nearby to be a worker or bystander. This story seems so much more believable it almost makes an atheist like me think there might be something in it.

Understatement and moderation in language is often so much more convincing. Maybe instead of continually suggesting that He-Who-Must-Be-Stabbed and Brownstuff should have garden power tools shoved up their arses and turned on, I might influnce more people with a more moderate form of critique. I will give it a go.

I say, this new law of New Labour's, well, I know they are sincere men and doing their very best you know, but I do wonder, not that I wish to complain too much really, I appreciate it is a very hard job and I wouldn't want to do it for the world personally, and I know that politics is not an exact science and, with the best will in the world, one cannot always predict the outcome, but, well, I do wonder if it will have quite the intended effect and if, just possibly, with all due respect, the price in terms of individual freedom is perhaps a little on the high side.

Hmmmm

Nah! Where's the fun in that? These tax grabbing war mongering money wasting lying two faced insincere self-serving illogical egocentric bastards deserve to have huge blenders shoved up their arses, mince mince, stir stir, blend blend. Turn out the resulting BASTARD ARSE CREAM into a warm dish, season with dogshit and feed to any bits of the BASTARDS you have omitted to mince. That's more like it! They are BASTARDS! Did I say that?

The French. Oooh ! They are awful, but I like them

The French are much in the news this week.

Chirac has petulantly walked out of a meeting because a Frenchman decided to address it in English. A few decades back the French language was the accepted language of diplomacy but now, according to a report on radio 3, it is in 4th or 5th position as the world's most used language and losing ground all the time. French research papers are mostly published in English and even some major French companies and institutions use English as the official language.

Hundreds of thousands of people have taken to the streets to protest over a change in employment law which would allow people under 26 to be dismissed at any time during a two-year trial period without even being given a reason. The French commonly engage in direct action and civil disobedience when laws threaten them.

Another British opinion knocking the French? Hell no! Not on bloggoth! I heartily approve! Although I do not much like them (does anyone?) I very much admire the French:

1. They stick up for their own nation and their own culture, exactly as we should be doing. We should be defending and pushing the English language and English values in the same way. Unfortunately, the ascendency of English as a language has nothing to do with us and all to do with the dynamism of the Americans.

2. They have loyalty to French products as we should have to British products. As a result they still have a decent manufacturing sector. In the auto industry, for example, both Peugeot/Citroen and Renault are highly profitable and expanding. Our own "economic miracle" is credit-based froth. We have little left but service industries. It needs no more investment than a few buildings with networked computers for India and others to take those from us, using the expertise we have considerately donated to them through outsourcing.

3. They seem intent on preserving a good quality of life. In the UK we would happily bulldoze the Lake District to create a new shopping mall.

4. When their people do not like a government decision they descend en masse (you see! French influence is not dead!) on the capital and have a huge protest, exactly as we should be doing. Nobody should seriously encourage civil disobedience for its own sake, and violence as a means of protest should be even less welcome, but if you are never prepared to consider either whatever the circumstances, if you are utterly supine as we British appear to be, you are a beaten people and democracy will disappear as it is doing now. For democracy to survive there must be one ultimate last sanction on government: the possibility of violent removal.
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   A victory for common sense? Maybe, but it was the wrong battle

   What a collosal waste of public money over the "right" of a girl to wear full Islamic dress. What with that and the terrorism trial and the Morecombe Bay cockling case and the Reading murder trial that concluded last week, these minorities that so "enrich" our society seem to be costing us an awful lot of money recently. They always do, come to think of it. I have no doubt that, in the words of Boris Johnson, this was about "taking another yard of territory in the Kulterkampf of modern Britain".

   But if I had been a headteacher at that school, provided I was satisfied she was sincere and not being pressured by others and if she was prepared to use a colour in keeping with the uniform, she would now be wearing her jibab and the case would never have gone to any court.

   This has nothing to do with political correctness and certainly not with respect for Islam for I despise it; we should never have given this awful religion a foothold in our country. I just do not see this as an important issue. I also believe in the principal that individual freedom should not be limited unless there is a good proven reason to do so and in this case there was none.

   This week too, my fellow atheist Charles Clarke was condemning the idea that creationism should be taught in schools. Well, I daresay being a creationist could be a drawback if you wanted to be a paleontologist or a curator in a fossil museum, but for the rest of us why on earth does it matter? I cannot recall my views on the origins of life being relevant to anything I ever did in my own. Why is belief in creationism any more of a problem than the many other daft beliefs people have, like spiritualism or horoscopes or that wearing lumps of crystal can cure illness or that we live in a democracy?

   These are the wrong issues to make stands on. What we should be doing is insisting on individual freedom, letting people choose their own lifestyles without having the viewpoints of others imposed on them, defending freedom of expression and cutting down on the collossal amounts of public money we waste catering for specific needs of minorities who should instead be adapting to our society. We also need to avoid the mistakes we have so clearly made in the past by insisting that future immigrants are not only of impeccable character with skills that do actually increase our standard of living but make a committment to integration and to all our own major values.

   Impositions about what people wear or what their private beliefs should be are not only pointless but contrary to the principles of the same individual freedom that we should be defending from the likes of Islam and Christian fundamentalism.

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   xoggoth in Somewhere in England Town

   Oh well. I have been offered an extension so will be in Somewhere In England Town until October at least.

   It could be worse I suppose. I loathed the last contract in Derby, the work and the working conditions sucked, only some decent colleagues made it just bearable.

   This job is ok. The weekly travel is ok. The rented flat is ok. It is a veritable ocean of ok. I suppose at times that's the best you can expect from life.

   Have to find a bit more to more to do in the evenings apart from the gym (which is ok) and occasional trips to the (ok) pub. But Somewhere In England Town conspires against me. Having a rather good singing voice (actually it's brilliant, like everything else about me) I had arranged to go along to a local choir meeting. Armed with the map I had printed from their website I went out last night and couldn't find it. Not only do street names appear to be against the religious convictions of the Somewhere In England Town planners, but it turned out that that there are two roads with the same A road designation both crossing the other same road and I was wandering around the wrong junction. Oh well, maybe next week.

   
   
   

   Still I have a best friend here. He is very good company. I call him Leonard. Say hello Leonard.

   Naturally, I have lots and lots of other friends back home. Cyril the lawnmower, Jenny the hair dryer and Oswald the Electric drill to name just three.

   
   
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   Guilty

   I have not the slightest doubt that He-who-Must-Be-Stabbed has been personally promising honours in return for loans. I know it just as certainly as I know that he personally sexed up the phony weapons of mass destruction dossier AND killed Dr David Kelly with his own bare hands. Everything about this government shouts, or rather oozes, putrid slime. He is a loathsome lying egocentric unprincipled but above all UNDEMOCRATIC bastard.

   Some might say I am a bit extreme and unbalanced on the subject. However, on the honours thing, as on the dossier, It seems my "unbalanced" opinion is pretty typical of the British public. Poll after poll reveals that a majority think he is dishonest and insincere.

   WHO THE HELL keeps voting for him??? Or are the general elections rigged too?

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   Ethics? What are they?

   Ok, for the sake of argument, let's concede (ridiculous though the idea is!) that Blair has not been dishonest. Then, as over that dodgy Iraq dossier, his judgement is sadly lacking. It is not disputed that government accepted a loan from the director of a company that has won billions of pounds worth of government business and that in itself is something that should never happen.

   If an employee of most large companies in the UK with any influence over disposition of company funds accepted anything much more than normal hospitality from a potential supplier they would be in hot water. I am sure I am not the only direct contractor to have received letters from clients warning against Christmas gifts to their employees. (Fat chance in my case!). Many large companies require their employees to take courses on ethics and this is a subject area that always comes up. It is considered highly unethical in business, no matter how honest the employee may be, as there is the reality of unconscious influence as well as a perception of conscious influence.

   Yet this government seems to think it has done nothing wrong. They are absurd!

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   Scary

   More news of what this bloody government is up to. Must admit I have never heard of this, but it is is being sneaked through the commons. Powers for government ministers to enact laws without reference to parliament.

   Naturally they say we should not be alarmed, it is only to enable them to abolish unecessary red tape. Yes, but it doesn't say that in tne legislation.

   Naturally they point to safegaurds in the law about what the minister can do. Indeed, I have read them. Who determines whether or not the new law complies with the restrictions? That's right, the minister concerned.

   Naturally they point to scrutiny by parliamentary bodies. Who appoints these bodies? That's right, the government.

   For a good article and some informative links have a look at Wolfie's blog

   These New Labour bastards have not the slightest concept of what democracy means. If we had any sense the entire population would march down there and shoot the whole fucking lot of them.

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   Power of bloggoth

   I am amazed at how influentual this blog is and how promptly some of my criticisms are acted on. It is now clear to me that the only reason I never get any comments is because people feel unable to say anything that could come close to the wisdom and dazzling insights I display on an everday basis.

   

   A few posts back I commented on the unfortunate nature of the Neighbourhood Watch sign. A well meaning attempt to be inclusive backfired because of a picture that had everyone looking accusingly at the black guy who managed to look, not only that he had been caught stealing everyone's mobiles, but like a gay kiddy fondler to boot.

   I was most pleased to see this new sign in Somewhere in England Town. This has the same arrangement of middle aged woman at left, bobby at back, black guy at right and little girl in front, but everyone is smiling equally and looking straight out at us and the black bloke looks normal, not like a camp pervy wierdo.

   
   
   

   What next? I have no doubt that soon Gordon Brown will come across this blog and say "Hey, this bloke is so right!, I AM an incompetent lying loathsome fat Scottish git who wastes everyone's time with loads of pointlessly complex tax laws, takes far too much tax in deceitful hidden ways and chucks it all away on beaurocracy, the totally feckless and whatever war that mad egomaniac Blair fancies joining in with this month! AND he is so correct to point out that I am (allegedly) rumoured to be a bit (allegedly) bent too! This is astonishing! How can anyone be so perceptive? I must act on what he says immediately!"

   That same week he will have an emergency budget and give us all an immediate huge tax rebate, scrap 90% of the tax and benefit laws and sack nearly everyone in the Inland Revenue, freeing them to do something more suited to their talents like cleaning dog poo off pavements without a bucket.

   Then he will drill holes in his own eyeballs before jumping off Beachy Head with a land mine up his fat ugly Scottish bum.

   PS. When I referred to GB in similar terms on CUK recently, somebody asked what is wrong with being Scottish. Just to set the record straight, nothing at all, EXCEPT that Gordon Brown is Scottish. If that isn't enough on its own to condemn an entire race I have no idea what is.

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   The loneliness of the long distance drinker

   What a lot of joggers in Somewhere In England Town! In the 10 to 15 minute drive to and from work I always pass several, whatever the weather. Both sexes, mostly young and very serious looking and wearing all the proper jogging gear or shorts. They are sometimes in pairs but mainly alone.

   In The Times yesterday, a report on this very subject. Apparently, assuming we can be compared to rats on their running wheels that is, running in company has positive effects and can even encourage brain growth, while running alone does not. A somewhat limited study probably as there are other factors; I always find that a nice sunny day in the country or a change of venue, so that you are at least you are running in a different set of dreary streets with a promise of something interesting round the next corner, has an impact too and it's easier to find the enthusiasm to run much further.

   Probably something in it though; I ran six miles last year with another bloke while normally I manage about one before I decide it's enough. Used to run with the local Hash House Harriers a few years back and we often did six or seven miles then too. I stood up to the running quite well, what I couldn't handle was the drinking. Running seven miles on a Sunday morning followed by a long lunch hour in the pub would gaurantee a total write off of the afternoon, all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep.

   Drinking far too much now. I avoided it last night as I had run out of vodka and strongly resisted the urge to go out in the cold and rain to find an off licence. We xoggoths have real will power.

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   Who dat up there?

   

   I do wonder if films actually create certain phenomena. Can we be certain that only us people watch them? or could there be some sense in which they permeate different levels of awareness that we do not know exist. We had a lot of trouble a few years back after that film American Beauty came out with its idea of "so much life behind everything" I'm sure others must have noticed a marked increase in the number of plastic shopping bags doing improvised ballets all over the place.

   I just noticed last night there is a trapdoor to the attic in my flat. I have heard some funny rustlings in the ceiling. I now strongly suspect there is a "The Grudge" type thing up there that is sneaking down and drinking my vodka while I'm at work because it's run out of Saki. I just knew it couldn't really be me getting through all that. All over England where the video has been played there are probably old houses with attics infested by ghosts of Japanese ladies whose faces have been sliced off.

   Fortified with what it has left of my vodka, I am now about to put the kitchen table under the hatch and have a look.

   I may be some time.

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   What are they thinking of?

   I see from The Times that the government are planning to allow up to 40 supercasinos in the UK. What??? Are they mad??? Didn't they see that frightening program about the supercasino in Yellowstone Park last year? If it erupts it could wipe out much of life on Earth. Even if these are not on that scale, a super-eruption in the densely populated UK could wipe out an enormous area.

   Hang on, from the picture, one appears to be in Birmingham. Maybe it's not such a bad idea after all.

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   Slobodan

   Slobodan. It's a name to kill for and probably explained his character. I expect he exterminated Kosovans, not because they were Muslims or supposed interlopers in what used to be the historic heartland of Serbia before the Ottoman invasion, but because he thought they were laughing at his name. I expect they laughed at his mule too.

   He is is no more, supposedly. Who are they kidding? Nobody blessed with a name like Slobodan could ever die. In any case, we have exposed the real truth about the deaths of nasty dictators before. They actually never die - Attila the Hun, Caligula, Nero, Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Nero the Second, Hitler, Stalin, Mao Te-Tung, Pol Pot, Bocassa, Idi Amin and now Slobo; they are all alive and well, living the high life and secretly ruling the world from behind the scenes. All those 'corpses' were hapless vaguely look alike celebrities.

   That corpse they are doing autopsies on isn't Slobo at all. Difficult to find a celebrity who looks even a bit like like Slobo. Ian Hislop probably will one day, although he's too young at the moment. That may not stop them. Bit of make-up, the usual fuzzy out of focus shot. Pity, I really liked IH too.

   
   Slobodan Milosevic
   Ian Hislop

   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
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   Secret phone records

   So that godawful Blair (the lesser bastard, the politically correct twat of a Met chief, not the greater bastard, the lying weasely egototist dictator, that is) is in hot water for recording conversations with ministers. Funny how when it's the general public there is always some excuse for monitoring and recording and photographing every damn thing we do, preventing terrorism, preventing crime, preserving public order, protecting children, safegaurding the state etc etc but hey, mustn't expose the truth of what our lords and masters are saying must we?

   If I had my way, I would weld the lot of them up into solid steel drums and only allow them to communicate out of tiny holes surrounded by monitoring and recording equipment. We might get some honesty then. As they ask of us continually, if you haven't done anything wrong what is there to fear?

   No, I am sorry, I am being very hypocritical here as I am not telling the truth myself. If they were all welded into solid steel drums I wouldn't let them communicate out of those little holes at all, just pour nitric acid in and weld them up.

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   Do Suck Dough

   What the hell is this Su Doku craze about? Suddenly every paper you buy has Su Doku in it; there are Su Doku books on every magazine shelf. Is it something new? Don't think so, there have been puzzles around that require you to fill in numbers so that they add to something or other in various different ways since, well, since I did the 11 plus at any rate. A good 20 years. At best it's a variation on an old theme. Why on earth do these crazes catch on like that?

   Never understand why these TV crazes catch on either. A few years back everything was about gardening with Charlie Dimmock's knockers or decorating somebody else's house with horrible shapes made from cheap MDF or doing daring sports where you competed to see who could get wiped out by Noel Edmonds first. Then we had programs about moving house that always seemed to involve a quite extraordinary percentage of gays, then all the reality drivel about people in jungles eating locust droppings or pretending to be marines, then into life swap stuff, posh people with horrible common person and so on, then hideous fat unfit psychopaths trying to improve themselves, and now we are into endless crud about couples competing in dancing/skating/singing contests. On the occasions when I have ever seen any of them, what always puzzles me are those "celebrites". Who? Who the hell is that? Looks vaguely familiar, oh no hang on I was thinking of that other bloke. what's he been in then? Well, who is she then?

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   Interactive TV we would like to see - 2

   

   Turned on the TV while slurping my shredded wheat this morning, but there was just a lot of crap on a usual. Some soap with one of those sign language things for the deaf. Rather distracting having a little person stuck on the screen gesticulating, at one point she appeared to be sitting on someone's chest poking him up the nose.

   I got to wondering where interactive TV would be in a few decades time. By then we should have techniques capable of creating animated graphics in real time. Wouldn't it be bloody marvellous if you could turn on the TV to find Blair on as usual (I am convinced the bastard is never ever ever going to go), tap in a few instructions on your interactive pad and voila! you could sit watching his face being chainsawed off by demented Disney type squirrels. It would improve my viewing pleasure no end.

   Even better if they could develop solid projections, like that silvery policeman bloke in Terminator 2. I suspect No 10 would be totally enveloped in chainsawing squirrels 5 seconds after the devices went on sale.

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   Sexy lingerie

   I thought it was high time I gave everyone the benefit of some more tips in the "Astute Erotic" series. How to enhance your love life without spending more than a pittance.

   I have gone one better today. A range of sexy underwear for your lady that will give you both hours of enhanced love making, not just far cheaper than anything you can buy at Anne Summers but absolutely free!. As with all my sex aids you just have to see the erotic potential in everyday available objects, and in this case there are a host of materials just perfect for the purpose. Enough talk xoggoth, I hear you all say, we want to see your designs so we can make them for ourselves and start shagging. Indeed, what else are Saturdays for?

   

   Here is the first item. A perfect black fishnet stocking. This is made from the bag of some Tescos Satsumas. I only had the one bag, but I am sure you can see that after a few months, or less if you really like Satsumas, you could put together some sexy fishnet stockings that Sharon Stone would have killed for.

   
   
   

   Here is another idea which I can see being developed into a sexy see-through body stocking. I am reliably informed that green is the new in erotic colour this year. This the bag that some logs came in. They were brought at our local garage but you can get logs in similar bags anywhere.

   It is a little loose in the picture as I had not got round to sewing it together, but again I think the erotic potential is clearly shown.

   You could also hold it together with elastic bands - if you hang around your local Post Office sorting office, you can often pick up lots of elastic bands for free.

   
   
   

   Not shown here, but of a similar style, those little net bags that you get round fatballs for feeding birds are perfect as see through Madonna-style cups for extremely small breasted women or indeed as a see through posing pouch for males, for those of us with very modest lunchboxes anyway. You could make a matching 'His and Hers' set.

   PS I tried to get the missus to model but she refused. She has no imagination and did not seem impressed by my designs, so yes, that is the xoggoth foot and the xoggoth leg. Cor! I bet the UK will see a greatly increased incidence of self abuse tonight!

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   The Astute Erotic - A Public Announcement

   Unfortunately, my next planned article in the 'Astute Erotic', how to gatecrash funerals and make proper use of the deceased, has had to be withdrawn as I have received too many complaints from the usual politically correct sorts that it was in poor taste. If you join my club (Only £50 joining fee and £20 annual subscription) you will receive this and many other articles in the series that I am not permitted to post here.

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   Requests for bequests - an auction of ex xoggoth bits

   As it happens, the missus and I finally got round to making our wills today but I have not yet made any specific bequests. If any women reading this would like to receive bits of xoggoth to use for erotic purposes after my death, please apply in writing. I regret I will not be able to accomodate more than a fraction of the many ladies who apply and a selection process will therefore be necessary. Please send large full colour pictures of what I will be missing by being dead and I will bequeath my parts accordingly.

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   News or lack of it

   Not brought a daily paper most of this week, although at least not reading what the bloody state has been up to does wonders for my blood pressure. Or not. Thinking about it now, the BASTARDS are bound to have done something to further destroy our liberties, tax us, monitor us, ruin our society, take away our livelihoods, erode incentives or waste our time. That should probably be 'and'.

   Got a letter from the stinking TV licencing authorities. A polite reminder of penalties for using a TV without a licence would be ok but this has a dire warning that unless you contact them by such and such a date you will be investigated. I ignored it. Why should I waste my time and incurr a big mobile phone charge hanging around listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons just to inform some shitty civil servant that I am not breaking the law. Or more likely some shitty privatised stand in for a civil servant. Where do they find sub-humans in tbe private sector? Must be a specialist agency. And if you tell them you are not using a TV they say they will investigate anyway, so what's the point?

   BASTARDS. Did I say that?

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   Too much Iran

   Not really kept up with the news at all. Every time I turned on Channel 4 news after getting home there was John Snow live from Iran. Not sure why it was covered in such detail, maybe they think we would all like to see what it looks like before the Yanks nuke it.

   I have a major problem with any religion being an official part of the state and their penal system is barbaric, not to say impractical. How does it help a thief to go straight if he can't get an honest job without a hand? But in many ways, I was quite impressed. These strict Shiah Muslims have a sensible principle of not ruling against something until it is shown to be a problem, exactly the sort of approach to the law I always advocate, and therefore gene research is not hampered by all the nonsensical "morality" issues that Christianity encumbers us with here. Women ministers too, with head scarves but none of that total covering, this is not the Taliban at least. Nor Islam as practiced by too many here either, come to that.

   The background to antipathy between Iran and the West was also covered last week, in particular the 1950s CIA sponsored coup that snuffed out a burgeoning democracry and put the awful Shah on the throne because of a nationalisation of BP oil assets in their own country. Entirely on their side on that one, I'm not bloody surprised they don't like us. Accusations by a Yank spokesman this week that the Iranians live in the past. I think if another country had lumbered me with a bloody dictatorship for decades I wouldn't soon forget it either.

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   Van Locator Weekly and other magazines we would like to see

   

   Darn it! NOW somebody thinks of it! At the end of last year, after my beloved old van gave up the ghost, I had a hell of a job trying to find another one. Nobody in our area seems to sell vans anymore, too bloody posh I suppose, and I was spending half my Saturdays driving miles to remote van dealers just to find they had nothing suitable. I was vanless for weeks and was seriously ill from lack of van. Damn it! I NEARLY DIED of van deficit disorder. Then in the company shop today, a new magazine, or one I've never heard of anyhow, Van Locator Weekly.

   
   
   

   I hope this is part of a trend by the publishing industry towards ditching all those crappy boring magazines about cars, computers, men's interest, health, fashion, etc etc. that other dull people like and starting to supply magazines of interest to us xoggoths. To the publishers of Van Locator Weekly, you are jolly jolly nice people. Here is my list of publications I would like to see.:

   • You and your van Including lots of great articles on how to maintain and care for your van and make add on things for it, serious van-related lifestyle articles like having sex in your van, having sex while driving your van, having sex WITH your van, great evaluations like, "Is a Ford Transit better than a Renault Trafic for abducting school children in?" and not forgetting serious van-related political content such as why slow old ladies on pedestrian crossings deserve to die.
     
     
   • Absolutely Enormous Gigantic Bottoms Weekly Lots of pictures of glorious bumholes housed in planet-eclipsing bums. Mostly human and female preferred but we are not too fussy these days.
     
     
   • The Violent Anarchist News Lots of pictures and stories of politicians and civil servants being exterminated in all sorts of interesting and painful ways. This would have a centrefold - stab of the month.
     
     
   • Woodland and wildlife Fanatic A magazine to put environmental concerns into proper perspective - why fox hunters should be exterminated etc. (see previous magazine), why cutting down a tree merits the death penalty, why woodlice must come before people in the housing queque, how Birmingham should be bulldozed to make room for a wildlife sanctuary.
     
     
   • The Daily Mess This cannot be described on a publicly accessible forum, suffice it to say that the first promotional issues should have give-away tokens you can save towards a free golden shower at the massage parlour of your choice. (Subject to terms and conditions)
     
     
   • The Xenophobic Times All about the appalingness of horrible foreign people, complete with news stories and pictures of all the ghastly immoral and crazy things they have done recently. Regular features would include "Stupid name of the month" contest, news of barking foreign laws, "Spot the alien" competition, insulting songs to chant at football matches, articles on why immigrants are to blame for absolutely everything including the price of postage stamps. Oh no, hang on, forget that one, certain elements of the press do a fair job already.
     
     
   • Pig and Baboon Monthly Caring (fnaar, fnaar) for your pig or baboon.
     
     
   • The Fundamentalist Atheist Lots of unbalanced ranting as to why Christians, Jews and Muslims. should be given the stark option, unconvert to atheism or die. How wishy washy agnostics are a bunch of poofs who should be herded into ghettos. Note: If I have not specifically mentioned Sikhs, Hindus, Rastifarians etc. it is only because those brands of religious bastard have not annoyed me.YET
     
     
   • Chemical Engineering For All Promoting the benefits of the greatest ever engineering discipline to the masses. Why the theory of filtration in packed beds should be compulsory in primary schools.
     
     
   • Cheapskate Weekly Lots of great articles and tips, covering all aspects of living, fashion, dining out etc. for the cost conscious. Making trousers from used Tesco bags, treating your wife to a romantic meal out by gleaning discarded chips from the gutter outside Mc Donalds, how to avoid having to pay to see Breakback Mountain by re-enacting it with gay glove puppets and so on.
     
     
   • The Middle Class Intellectual Snob A magazine dedicated to us superior sorts. Practical uses for common people, filling in that pothole in your drive with unmmarried mothers etc. Thought provoking articles such as on why tattoos should come with a free ASBO.
     
     
   • Grubby Today! Magazine Articles promoting the benefits of scruffiness and lack of hygeine. How wearing underpants for six months between washes helps the environment. Dining room compost heap of the month and 101 attractive things you can make out of dandruff.
     
     
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   Religious loonies is right

   There appears to be no exaggeration in that Gaurdian article I linked to in the previous loonies item a bit further down. What happened to the relatively sane Christianity of moderate Catholicism or the C of E we used to have? Have a look at this or do a google on "Pre Tribulation Rapture", or eschatology. There is a demented contagion spreading through the West.

   According to the Armageddon clock on that site, 2004 was 3 minutes to midnight. Going from the scale of the rest, that makes Armageddon about 2016. I have no doubt the world is going to hell, but I just don't think it will be with a bang, just a drawn out whimper. When 2016 has come and gone and the world is still there, albeit just a bit more shit than it was the previous year, what will these people say then?

   Still, if they want to believe that it's fine by me. Argument over the issue would be pointless, what proof is there either way, yet? The proof will come, one way or the other, in about 2016. On past form they will still be arguing that the 2nd coming is imminent and they have certain proof of it in 2050. In the year 2525, if the world is destroyed by a meteor, they will say "We told you so!". They are bound to be right some day.

   What I do have a serious issue with is the way we are all affected by the religious lobbying for laws that go their way. I am not demanding the religious be forced to do any of those things they believe to be wrong and I am all in favour of respecting sensibilities within reason, keeping sex off prime time TV for example. It is certainly none of my business who any church sees as fit to be a minister. If they would only leave the rest of us alone to do what we wish to do with our own lives. But they never do. Homosexuality, abortion, contraception, the religious viewpoint is constantly pushed as the one that should be imposed on us all.

   The sooner de lawd has his second coming and takes the damn lot of them off the better in my view. The rest of us might be able to get on with our lives without having them circumscribed by this blithering superstition that poisons our laws.

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   Bloggoth is the new Lourdes!!!

   A few items back, as befits my advancing age, I did a piece on ailments and mentioned a lump I had in my wrist. I have had it for at least two years and recently it seemed to be getting bigger and I was beginning to think I should go and get it looked at. Yesterday, I noticed it had entirely disappeared. I really am not making this up. Surely this cannot be coincidence, I mention a long standing condition on bloggoth6 and suddenly I am cured. This must be a miracle. I am inviting all the sick and disabled to come and cleanse yourself and be cured in the miraculous well of bloggoth. Send me an email describing your ailments in 500 words or less and I will post them here. In no time you will be delivered from all your suffering.

   A snip at £50 a time

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   The merits of cows' behinds

   One of these religious nuts was campaigining against the Gerry Springer opera. Comment to somebody who had not seen it. "You don't need to tread in a cow pat to know it isn't pleasant." Speak for yourself Christian. We at bloggoth can certify that taking your kecks off and sitting in a cow pat while it's still warm is simply AMAZING. We can highly recommend it.

   These TV vets. Whenever they come across a cow or any other large animal, there was even an elephant the other day, they immediately rush to stick their arms up the animal's bottom. I am really jealous, wish I'd been a vet! I sent flyers round to all the farms in our locality the other week, offering to attend at short notice and put my arm up any of their cows' bottoms completely free of charge if it would help. No response so far but I am still hopeful.

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   Look out, the religious loonies are coming

   

   This weekend there was a huge poster outside our village hall for the Alpha Course. That damn course seems to be everywhere. I dialled my postcode into their website and found out this is one of five in the immediate area. The sheer scale of this is disturbing.

   On the TV tonight a program about the threat to the secular state from Evangelists, i.e. Christian fundamentalists. Nothing wrong in taking Christ's teachings seriously but unfortunately these loonies seem to be more concerned with the unchristian, violent, intolerant and nonsensical drivel of the old testament.

   
   
   

   It's fashionable to denounce Islam for the threat it represents to our secular society and our individual freedoms and the irrationality implicit in the derivations of their beliefs from what was written 1300 years ago. I frequently do, but that's not because I consider that Islam is especially worse than many "Christian" views, but simply because I had observed that Islam was growing while Christianity was retreating and was therefore the greater threat. Confucious he say, nice big man with stick more danger than angry little man with straw.

   But perhaps I was wrong. Muslims revere the word of a real historical character who by all accounts was a wise man and for that reason probably came up with a lot that did make sense, 1300 years ago at any rate. These fundamentalist Christians take literally the old testament, bad translations of second hand stories that somebody wrote down hundreds of years after the supposed event over 5000 years ago. For shear unbelievable barkingness that makes Islam look like scientific rationality.

   In world terms too we should put the thousands killed in "Islamic" terrorist attacks into perspective and remember which religion causes the most harm today. Today at least, Islam is a religion of backward countries and losers. The real power, including all the significant nuclear weaponry and military might and economic clout lies with Christianity. In the days of previous US presidents and British PMs we had mainly secular leaders or at least those who could separate their religious beliefs from their state duties. Now we have a US president claiming to be doing "god's will" and a British PM saying god will judge him on Iraq. These bastards are unfit to lead supposed democracies, democracy by definition is about man's will, not god's.

   Take a look at this about the influences behind Bush's thinking, using the term loosely. it makes disturbing reading if even a tenth of it is true. The antichrist is apparently walking among us, in the guise of Kofi Annan, Javier Solana, (who?) Yasser Arafat (oh dear, HE fell down on tne job), Silvio Berlusconi or the Wal-Mart corporation. That article has to be pulling our legs surely? Nobody is that stupid? Are they?

   Not so sure anymore. What I am increasingly beginning to think is that there is no room in a secular society for tolerance of any religion because they will not tolerate the rest of us. Those of us who believe in rationality and humanism and individual freedom must begin to fight back.

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   Christianity??????

   Just a brief quote from that Gaurdian article.

   What makes the story so appealing to Christian fundamentalists is that
   before the big battle begins, all "true believers" (ie those who believe
   what they believe) will be lifted out of their clothes and wafted up to
   heaven during an event called the Rapture. Not only do the worthy get to
   sit at the right hand of God, but they will be able to watch, from the
   best seats, their political and religious opponents being devoured by
   boils, sores, locusts and frogs, during the seven years of Tribulation
   which follow
   

   Watching your opponents being devoured?? That's Christianity?? Maybe, but not as we know it Jim.

   PS Devoured by frogs?

   PPS Like the lifted out of the clothes bit though, waheeeee! What is the lord doing with that right hand us blaspheemers may ask? Should that really be sit AT the right hand of god, or sit ON the right hand of god? And spin on it. Wooo, de finger o de lawd! Ah is a comin laud!!!

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