Index

BLOGGOTH Page 3

Bloggoth Mission Statement:
     We aim to never raise our sights above the gutter and preferably to stay much lower

Adult behaviour and bonsai children

The missus and I decided (or rather she did) that we would not waste money on silly little xmas presents this year; when the sales start we are going to go out and treat ourselves to a state of the art flat screen TV with DVD player/recorder etc. Very adult decision, we are not little kids after all. BUT I AM. I want lots of mysterious parcels with exciting pointless things in them and I want a stocking. It used to be nice having young kids, Christmas was more fun then. The kids loved christmas, but sod THEM, more to the point, they gave me an excuse for the sort of christmas I wanted.

Why must they grow up and could it be prevented? Surely there are techniques of bonsai that could be applied? Or perhaps more directly relevant, the methods the Chinese used to use for forcing a woman to have tiny feet. If you kept your childen tightly bound at all times and pruned their limbs at regular intervals would they stay small and cute instead of growing into hideous expensive creatures?. Of course there would be no point keeping them as kids physically if they got all boring and mature mentally. I was thinking along the lines of a regular diet of cheap gin and frequent attention with a large monkey wrench. If I ever have any grandchildren, well worth experimenting.

Couple of interesting links on bonsai:
Bonsai car crashes
Bonsai kitten

Real charity

Earlier a lady who knows about my horrible kinks sent me a link to some big pictures of my very favourite human part. It might have been better in the week rather than now when I am back home with the family around but I daresay they will keep and it was a kind gesture. Anyway, it would have cost a fortune on my GRPS modem.

I call that true Christian charity, being nice to us unloved dirty old men. It's far too easy to be charitable to a lot of cute babies and kids like mother Theresa did. Or Gladstone, with his famous charitable work for fallen women. Oh yeh? Funny that. If I was the charitable kind I think I might like to rescue young attractive sexually available women too. I would probably decide that the souls of those with large bottoms were definitely most in need of saving. Nothing beats the power of prayer and in order to save one of these poor unfortunates, I would certainly suggest that we should start with both of us getting down on our knees.

But nobody loves ugly old blokes and we have feelings too. To be kind to the likes of myself would involve true unselfishness. This is a time of great loneliness for some of us. I was just trying to cheer myself up with my little fantasy about a family above, I am really spending Christmas all on my own in a damp badly lit cellar with just a few pieces of dried bread and a slightly mouldy German sausage for my Christmas dinner, although I don't complain. But it would be lovely if I had just a little cheer in my miserable existence before I leave this cruel world.

To all you Christian ladies out there, show some true unselfish charity and email me with pictures of your bottoms and bumholes. The Lord will surely reward you in heaven.

Proper IT work

Most horrible contract I've ever had, as far as the work went, is finished. Did I mention it was horrible? Well it was. Mentioning no names but it was dull, shitty & stunk! After I got rumbled I have decided to make sure I give no clues to my identity at the next place which I begin, sometime in the new year, at a place somewhere in England, doing something.

That something will probably be tedious as it will have a purpose not of my deciding, but am hoping it will not be as shite as the one I have just left. In my view all these bastards should just pay me for deigning to work at their crappy establishments. Who cares what the dull client wants? I am not a programmer, I am an IT ARTIST and they should throw up their hands in admiration of whatever I feel like producing. I would like to have a go at that .net thing that the Dim Prawn goes on about 'cos it looks really kool. Why does crass commercialism have to come into everything? I am not unreasonable, I am prepared to humour their low commercial instincts by putting in an invoice every month, but I really don't think I should be expected to prostitute my soul beyond that.

I have so many ideas for useful programs. A properly integrated software suite for porn surfers perhaps. It will contain Net Pervert, which acts along the lines of Net Nanny but in reverse by searching out all one's favourite mucky preferences. Unlike those web sites which contain loads of links, Net Pervert will provide proper control, preventing pop ups, dialers or viruses. Just leave it running for a while and come back to an inbox full of free piccies and stories of your favourite kink. It will also have an effective cleaner, Perve Kleenex, to hide tracks from wives, girlfriends or even the police. I believe the CID have very effective methods for picking up traces of erased files, but Perve Kleenex is much more sophisticated than a mere disc eraser, it does not erase at all. One click and Perve Kleenex will run through all your pictures analysing the content for perversity and then altering the images to match the options selected. Closet gay and the wife suddenly wants to borrow your laptop? Don't panic. In no time Perve Kleenex will run through your secret collection of male arse pictures and transform them all into pictures of female arses. Perve Kleenex is what Gary Glitter should have had, if it finds anything underage in your collection it will immediately add pubic hair and enormous tits or huge erect willies according to context. When the CID examine your hard disk all they will find is a legal and very normal porn collection.

Patriotism and betrayal

Hoping my security clearance will be through in time to start the new contract. Some reading this might think I am not suitable clearance material.

On the contrary. I am pretty unblackmailable since I am less bothered what people know or think about me than most, have never done anything significantly illegal (I suppose I am actually a criminal as I just forget to send my companies House shuttle form off in time) and while I always loath the government of the day I am very patriotic. I have a rather simple philosophy to life which stems from my practical nature. Always start with what you know and work outwards from that. I despise high sounding ideals which take no account of reality or human nature. As far as allegiances and loyalties are concerned I am strictly Mafiosa. Yourself and family above all. I think I would defend my immediate family whatever they had done. In the same way I believe in my own culture and my own nation. "My country right or wrong". My country, or rather the government, is often wrong. The unjustifiable war in Iraq for example, or our far too uncritical support of Israel; so I have some sympathy with those who dislike the West. Nevertheless, in any conflict, there is only one side I would ever be on and it ain't yours Muhhammed

I am still rather miffed about my treatment during the cold war though. I went to Moscow not long after working on a defence project. Every night I went back to the hotel room hoping to find a gorgeous blonde Russian spy in my bed who would try to and subvert me into passing secrets to the USSR. "You are so sexy darling, tell me about the range of your British nuclear submarine darling". "Er um, about 300 miles, Oh no, hang on, that's my old Ford Anglia on a full tank, hang on, it's on the tip of my tongue, speaking of which, another golden shower would concentrate my mind wonderfully Ninotchka" It never happened, I geuss they just knew I could not be turned. It wouldn't have hurt for them to have tried, damn it.

Tinitus

I think that sodding loud thing I went to in the week has damaged my hearing. The whistling in my ears at quiet periods has gone up a notch and there is a sort of PC PSU fan noise in my left ear I never noticed before, although that seems less this morning so hopefully will fade. Been to many noisy discos and dances in my life but I cannot recall anything at that volume before. Oh Christ, I'm talking about ailments. It's nature's way of giving old farts something to talk about when they can no longer talk about sex. Did I tell you about my dogy knee?, no? well anyway..

Next time I go somewhere in the company of much younger sorts I will take some ear muffs. I would not have wanted to miss out on the snog by looking an idiot though, I wonder if there any places you can get stylish ear muffs? A quick look on the internet shows that tinitus resulting from over loud music is common, so perhaps there is a market there. Thing I went to a couple of months back with missus was loud too but nothing like that. Not that I ever feel much inclination to dance with the missus anyway, she's too inhibited. As with lots of things. Never found out due to total inability to converse but I wonder if the mid week lady was as uninhibited in other things as she was about her dancing. Hmmm. You never know. So that's my kit for going to discos with younger sorts, sexy earmuffs, condoms and a little phial of Domestos in case I get really lucky.

Cheap BDSM equipment

Wearing earmuffs sounds a bit fetishy, ah yes, a quick search on the net, you can get sexy ones at BDSM places. Probably bloody expensive too. It's not really my scene, but here's a quick tip for bondage enthusiasts. Why not kit yourself out at B&Q or Homebase for a fraction of the price? You can get everything you need there. Overalls, dust masks, safety goggles, leather aprons, stout gardening gloves, rope, fencing chain, padlocks, clamps and best of all, those sexy black foam rubber knee pads! Phwooooar!

Warning, warning, warning, warning

Item approaching absolute outer limits of disgustiness follows.

Fetishes and trains

There do seem to be a lot of sites out there catering for my, erm, I mean I have heard that there is a quite a large demand for porn catering to some very disgusting tastes. Mmmmmmm. I mean eeeergh. Bloody keyboard. I am quite sickened. Those with that sort of taste must find it difficult to find partners prepared to indulge such things. I imagine anyway.

Although all railway carriages built since 1995 have been obliged to retain toilet waste, there are still many older carriages that deposit it on the track, see here. So why has nobody latched on to the economic potential here? They could rent out little coffin like cubicles between the rails for golden and brown shower enthusiasts. A little hit and miss perhaps as to whether one got lucky, but after all, that could add to the excitement. Mmmmmmm. Aaaaaaaah. Mouths open lads. Here comes the 17.05 from Bradford.

Being rumbled and snogs

A certain person used the mail button on my home page to leave an interesting mail message purportedly from Miss "I'd like to piss on you".

Too much of a coincidence that I had that same afternoon told my favourite anecdote about the lady who mistook me for a pile of rubbish in a shop doorway in Sofia and pissed in my ear. High point of my life. Aha, suspicion confirmed! My mailer collects not only the sender's IP address but also the computer name, and it's in this office.

My identity is out. Too many coincidences on contractor UK posts. Identity of the mailer was confirmed last night at the booze up when I got presented with a miniature booklet of How to avoid having your contract renewed without a stain on your character. So all my work colleagues know a) I'm a barely reformed loony b) I'm a ghastly old pervert. No change there then, they knew that already. Just as well I never put anything about what I REALLY thought of you, you bunch of bastards. That will all change now I've left.

I wasn't really in the mood for a pissup but it turned out well. After a few drinks at a crowded bar in central Derby, went on to an extremely noisy place. Hardly through the door and I got grabbed by a really attractive early 40s lady and told I was very sexy. (Yes, she was pretty drunk, but obviously still had taste) Lots of stupid dancing, falling over and a bit of a snog. Very nice. First non-missus contact with female for ages. Well, it's about a month actually, but it really was ages and ages before that. Would have liked to pursue more than a snog but I found it totally impossible to communicate in the deafening noise. I used to be able to converse in ear-splitting surroundings but it's a knack I seem to have lost.

Sleepwalking and rape and murder

Two items of news in the DT today concerned with the legal system.

A report from law reform advisors is expected to end the automatic life sentence for murder. I am very much in favour of it. I do not believe in simplistic prescription approaches to sentencing, whether it's the "murder=life" or "two strikes and you're out" or any other party political response to crime. All crimes must be judged according to the merits of the case in question. How can you equate, for example, the case of a woman who kills a bullying husband after years of violence to the career bank robber who carries a gun as a matter of course and shoots a a security gaurd without hesitation? Is it right to equate the case of a habitually violent bully with that of a man who has stayed out of trouble for years and only commits a second violent offence under extreme provocation?

There is also the case of a man acquitted of rape after the jury believed his story that he committed the crime while sleep walking. I don't say the story was false, I know nothing at all about the subject of sleep walking so that would be ridiculous. The story may well be true and this young man does not deserve to be branded a rapist. But should he go free without treatment or supervision?

Let's cut to two questions that are really important here. I would define them as follows

• What is the purpose of a custodial sentence? We know from various studies that prison is virtually useless at reforming the imprisoned individuals. Studies also show that the threat of prison is not much of a deterrent to the criminally inclined. But there is one thing prison is damn good at, and this is obvious and inarguable, while the criminal is incarcerated he will not be committing any crimes on society outside.
• How do we decide who should be in incarcerated? Simple. We base our judgement solely on the threat to society that that individual represents. Clearly such considerations as motive must come into this judgement, but they are only factors that help us judge the threat, not determinants in their own right.

Take the woman who kills a bullying husband. Is she a threat to society at large? Hardly. She needs supervision to ensure she does not get into such a relationship again and any potential partner need to be warned of the circmstances, but on the threat basis, nothing is gained by a long custodial sentence. Just enough to be sure that less stressed women do not see husbands as fair game perhaps. The bank robber? Anyone who sees shooting as part of the job is a high risk as he is likely to re-offend.

What about our poor young sleep walking rapist? Sorry sunshine. You may well have been asleep. You may have done what you did out of no conscious violition, and yes it's grossly unfair in some wishy washy abstract way, but until your psychatrist assures us that it was a once in a lifetime thing and is extremely unlikely to happen again, you are a threat to women. You should be locked up.

"Work of art" stolen

I see thieves have made off with a Henry Moore sculture weighing 2 tons and worth £3 million.

I hate to see works of art stolen or damaged. Anyone doing that to a Raphael or a Dali or a Rubens deserves a hideous fate. It's worse than murder in my view because such things are unique and can never be replaced. There are six billion people in the world after all, and by the universal rule that the more of something there is the less valuable each instance is, on a dispassionate analysis that makes most of us talentless nurks worth about tuppence halfpenny each. We should forgive genius anything. If Hitler had created sublime music like his (and my) favourite composer Wagner, I firmly believe the world should have been prepared to forgive him his little eccentricities.

But Moore? I don't say I don't like Henry Moore. That one is quite aesthetically pleasing and interesting. It looks like a Pteranodon, whose mother unfortunately took thalidomide, searching for shrimps in a pond. Some of his other works, big and smooth and round, remind me of the missus. But for me it does not come in the category of irreplaceable art. I equate it more with garden gnomes, albeit for very rich people with taste.

As for the likes of Hurst and Emin. I give them credit for succeeding. In a free market society, the only true measure of monetary worth is what people are prepared to pay. If people pay 100s of k for their art, it is by definition worth 100s of k. But value outside of the monetary one? None. If kids steal a Hurst formaldehyde shark or a Tracy Emin mucky bed, joy ride them round the Ballswater housing estate and then set fire to them, well. Boys will be boys.

What a pity we never noticed it before

It's that time of the years when lots of parcels get left down side entrances or at back doors by overworked delivery men. This morning I noticed a parcel that had been left in our side entrance. No idea how long it has been there. Ah! I see it isn't for us, but has been left at our house by mistake. It is actually addressed to them next door. The parcel bears a big label:

Perishable products
Unpack on receipt
Protect from frost

Going to be frosty tonight. A parcel may have been left at our house by mistake Mrs Scum? Oh yes! look! there's something down our side entrance there. Gosh! Must have been there all over the Christmas period. With all the frost and rain we've had. Right under the leaking gutter too! Darn shame we never noticed it earlier.

Death of an old friend

I refer of course to my van. Naturally I don't have any human friends. My dear old Maestro van got taken away on the back of a lorry this week . As it happened the bloke was in the same road when I phoned up so it didn't cost me anything. I thought you had to pay these days for scrapping cars with little parts value anyway due to EU recycling laws. I didn't get any money for it either as I would have ten years back. Just as well as it would have felt like 30 pieces of silver and my remorse would have compelled me to go out and hang myself. I would have made sure my bowels gushed forth all over the poxy client's floor.

Martin Luther

While looking for a biblical quote on Judas, I came upon this page on the anti-Jewish Tirades of Martin Luther. What a pleasant chap. Anti-semitism is on the rise on Europe today. Some of that is almost certainly due to the growth of Islam but probably not all of it.

I can certainly understand anti-Zionism. What happened to the Palestinians must rank among the great injustices of the last century. I find it hard to think of anything positive to say about the state of Israel today either. I don't understand anti-semitism. In our country and Europe in general it seems that Jews mostly keep to themselves and do not clamour for our societies to be shaped according to their own ideas. Why hate something that does not affect us?

That Jewish conspiracy thing, they supposedly rule our lives in the background? Dunno, all the problems I see appear to be the work of non-Jewish politicians. Currently Blair and Brown. If we are going to blame races for what some of them do maybe it would make more sense to hate the Scottish.

Two vans xoggoth

It has suddenly dawned on me that for a little while I have two vans. Does life get any better than this? I was thinking of separating my white van man social functions. As it has a few dents anyway I thought I might use the old van to run over old ladies on pedestrian crossings and reserve my new van (no windows in the back, pfnaar, pfnaar) for abducting kiddies.

Failures and retreats - EU rebate

Here we go again. Now He-who-Must-Be-Stabbed is planning to give away even more of the UK's rebate in return for a promise of a review of CAP spending. If we gloss over the minor point that the EU is a nonsense anyway, I don't have any problem with the idea that a reduction or even abolition of the rebate should be part of a fair deal that sees countries contributing (within limits) according to wealth. But there should at least be a fair deal, not a one sided surrender that continues to serve the needs of the French. It seems to me yet another case of the Blair ego syndrome. He wants to end the UK presidency on a high note and nothing else matters. Screw the British taxpayer.

Some among the new EU members have backed calls for this one-sided UK submission. In view of the UK's support of their membership and the fact that only the UK has allowed hordes of their migrant workers into our already overcrowded country, does anyone else find this ingratitude quite sickening?

More failures and more retreats - Welfare reform

The failures of He-who-Must-Be-Stabbed go on and on. Once this walking disaster is out of power and his undoubted charisma is no longer on constant view I believe many who voted for him will look back on his record and recognise it for the long litany of empty rhetoric and meaningless expensive failed initiatives that it actually was. Hot on the retreat over public sector pensions that will see the rest of us working until 67 to pay for inflation proofed pensions for public sector workers, comes the retreat on welfare reform.

Look at the figures.

• 1978-79: £51bn
• 1982-83: £63bn
• 1986-87: £75bn
• 1991-92: £80bn
• 1996-97: £92bn
• 2000-01: £101bn
• 2004-05: £130bn

Has there been an unpublicised plague? Some major war I somehow never noticed? This increase is absurd. I would suggest that the whole basis on which benefits are given is wrong.

I have no problem with the concept that we should help those who, by reason of genuine disability and despite their best efforts, are unable to earn an adequate amount to care for themselves or their families. I do reject the concept that we should expect others to be forced to share the burden of every single problem we have in life. Almost all of us have problems which limit our potential in life, we may be ugly, lack intelligence, or have personality problems - we may find it difficult to get on with people, we may lack initiative or confidence for example. We have to try and make the best of what we are. And yet as soon as the disability has some clinical title the concept is that we can avoid making that extra effort and look to the state to make up the shortfall in our incomes.

Sorry, but them's the breaks, life's a bitch! It's your disability, you should make every effort you can to solve your own problems, and only when you have done that AND your income has still fallen below an acceptable level, should you be able to look to the state. And I expect the state to check.

If anyone read this Blog I daresay some would be saying "That's easy for you to say, with your middle class lifestyle and your advantages, you have never had to live with these problems" They would be wrong. I had ten years of hell trying to hold together a career while suffering from severe depression, anxiety and (legal) drug dependence. If I had to stay away from home I usually only managed it with help from the local Samaritans. I never got benefit, nor should I have done, I could get by. I had less time off than many of my colleagues did with their coughs and colds. Today, I would probably just take lots of time off, secure in the knowledge that my disability would protect me from the sack and let my colleagues cover for all my failures. If out of work I would rely on state aid to support my family and tell myself that my lack of effort in finding employment was not my fault because of my disability.

I am in two minds whether any of this was a good thing for me. Would I have recovered sooner without the strain I put myself under? Or, with more help, would I just have become just another dependant whining about my problems and given up the effort to recover?

I really have no idea, I am not a psychiatrist. What I do know for sure is, they were MY problems, not everyone else's.

Age discrimation

Nice to see a certain adult contact and swinging site, or so a friend told me, does not believe in age discrimation. The new login requires input of month and year of birth and the latter goes back to 1897. I can just imagine the ad. "Young at heart male, 109, well endowed. Whitechapel area. Requires ladies of the night for outdoor adult fun. Willingess to have intestines removed and slung over left shoulder preferred.

Derby monster

Finally got round to getting some images off my phone. These cheap camera phones are not great with a lot of contrast and this picture of a funfair near work came out looking like a fire breathing monster bent on destroying Derby. Who could blame it? I expect it was pissed off with aircraft software testing.

I would have liked to have gone, I used to love having small kids of my own because it was the perfect excuse for doing all the peurile things I wanted to do but a middle aged bloke on his own on a kid's funfair ride would look stupid. I did think of abducting a kid and making him go on the rides with me but then I decided my motives might be misconstrued so decided against it.

Aging and OH NO and OH YES and Margaret Becket!

My birthday today. 59th aaagh! Still at least not the big six oh yet. When I was 39 I thought "I still have time to do all the things I want to do with my life. When I was 49 I thought "I still have time to do all the things I want to do with my life." Now I am 59 I still think.. Maybe when I get to 79 I will think "Oh sod"

Yesterday was a bad day. What I had been dreading came to pass when belatedly they offered me a contract extension. Oh no!!! Surely swearing at the top of your voice from from 9am to 6.30pm and telling the project leader you weren't interested in their frigging procedures should gaurantee non-renewal. Obviously not. If they had stuck with the line that I was superfluous to requirements I could have gone back to my low paid ed. software activities and lived off the missus' money with a clear conscience. But I would have felt too guilty doing that when I could have been working. The thought of being here until May at least was depressing. Then today, salvation. Went for an interview for a contract I thought I had little chance of getting as the gap between my CV and what they said they were looking for looked like the Grand Canyon. And I got it! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Goodbye Derby! I hate you. I loath you. Sod off!"

As it it was my birthday we had another house drunk thing. Brought some vodka, wine, whisky and Baileys. Quite pleasant mostly until one inmate who had plainly had far too much at the pub even before we started, when I came home he was staggering, decided to lecture another on not seeing his kids enough and was told where to stuff his advice. Much more fun after he went to bed in a dudgeon. Conversation turned to massage and bodily functions. Why does that always happen when I'm around?

Been some decent people in this contract, pity about the work. Unfortunately, for me its the work that matters most. If I have had a shit boring working day I find it hard to find any consolation elsewhere. A huge bottomed woman maybe but fat chance at my age.

I discovered something today. I am staying on the constituency of the gorgeous Margaret Beckett! Oh joy!!! I frequently wank myself to sleep at night thinking of the gorgeous Margaret.

Some wierd people seem not to find Margaret attractive. Maybe, by contrast, having your own home in the constituency of Nicholas Soames helps.

Gifts and god and charity

Searching for a gift online. Bloody hell! Find what you like and then discover that post and packing adds 150%. Not that I'm mean (I AM!I AM!) but it seems such a waste.

And then came across gift aid. Not sure what to make of this. I have to admit to a slight cynicism with regard to the majority. "I'm not giving you any presents this year, I hate all this sordid commercialism and the affuence and greed of our society, I've decided to give your present money to buy a cow for a poor family in the Congo." Hmmm. Don't forget to put it on your tax return your saintlyness or you can't claim your 40% back from the government. I honestly don't want to knock the few who have truly generous spirits, wish more of us were like that. It's the other 99.5% that I want to knock, the New Testament story of the Pharisees springs to mind. Practicalities too. Not sure where I read it, probably the admirable Metro, but the milking cows purchased by some of these schemes are of such poor quality that milking them is a waste of effort. Never mind, Charity makes us feel god and what else matters?

Actually I have a "charitable" nature too at times, it's just that like that 99.5% of us I lack the imagination to really feel the suffering of others. I watch starving kids in Africa and feel close to tears. Then the adverts come on and it's "What's for tea, anything good on TV tonight?" And "I really must donate. First thing tomorrow!" I never get round to it. That "never get round to it" thing. Makes you wonder what life would be like if we all of us actually got round to doing the things we meant to do. A nightmare probably. Just think of it, every intention translated into reality. We really need inertia, that way we get broadly the fate that nature intended for us. Nature knows best.

The details are here I believe in cutting out the middleman. I have therefore sent a big box of worms to Bolovia. Well, some worms in it, actually woodlice are easier, just lift the plant pots on the patio. so my box is mostly woodlice but I expect Bolivia needs woodlice too.

Looking for the New Testament reference to Pharisees and found this on the net:

The Lord said to him,
"Now you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish,
but inside you are full of greed and corruption.
Fools!
Did not the one who made the outside also make the inside?
Yet give the inner things as charity,
and look, everything is clean for you."

"But woe to you Pharisees,
because you tithe the mint and the rue and every herb,
and pass by justice and the love of God;
and these are necessary to do, not passing by those either."

Hmmm. I have but one question lord, Vouchsafe your widom unto me that I may learn and enter the kingdom of heaven.
What the fuck are you talking about???

Don't they talk utter crap?

Manpower levels in the TA, who supply 10% of the troops in Iraq, are in "free-fall" according to the Times with 500 soldiers leaving every month. On the news tonight a government spokesman said "We have no evidence to suggest that this has anything to do with Iraq".

Must be quite the stupidest government comment on the Iraq issue since Tony Blair AKA He-Who-Must-Be-Stabbed* insisted earlier this year that the Iraq war was not a factor in the rising threat of terrorism. Yeh, right. I can just picture the scene down at the East Watham Suicide Bombers Club. Muhammed mentions the war in Iraq. Blank looks all round. Eh? What does that have to do with our cause?

*Note: The term Mad Messiah has been abandoned by Bloggoth as sounding too affectionate. In the interests of brevity I have shortened the new name which in full is "Tony He-who-must-be-stabbed-in-both-eyeballs-before-having-his-rectum-filled-with-molten-lead-and-being-lowered-very-slowly-into-a-blast-furnace-head-first Blair" If the entire nation turned up to cheer he would still be convinced that he and he alone was right about everthing.

Hear, hear, oh, wait, hang on a minute

Yesterday the news that the Law Lords had pronounced that evidence that might have been obtained by torture should not be admissable in law. When I first glanced at the headline in the shop I thought how right that was, nobody should be convicted on such evidence, it is totally unjust and no civilised society should implicitly support such methods.

Then later I read the full article. The case was about suspected terrorists being expelled from the UK. What? We need to make sure that our relations with other countries are not jeopardised by arbitrary decisions that could result in bona-fide visitors being expelled or excluded and some proper process is needed. That said, we have no obligation to citizens of other countries and where a risk to UK citizens is reasonably suspected, regardless of the legal soundness of such suspicions, there should be no question whatever. The citizens of the UK must come first and that person should be expelled.

The concept of beyond reasonable doubt should apply to all UK citizens regardless of ethnic origin. In justice that same concept should also apply to non citizens when considering fines or custodial sentences. But when did this total abnegation of the whole concept of nationality come about that apparently allows non UK citizens the same presumption of rights with respect to abode and being able to move freely within the UK?

PS. And no, when there is a real risk to UK citizens of terrorism, either by the persons concerned or by others they may influnce, I really do not consider it of equal importance if they get tortured in their own country. It is the UK government's primary responsibility to protect UK citizens and all other consideration are secondary. That includes so called morality.

Prossies and other nice ladies

Post on CUK re bigger brothels being demanded in the run up to the World Cup. It appears prostitution is legal in Germany

It ought to be legal here too. If a woman wants to sell her sexual services and men want to pay for it, it should be nobody else's business in a free society. The real issues, whether it causes problems for the immediate neighbours for example, are exactly the same as for any other business and should be considered in the same light.

Can't stand people who look down on prossies. They are just ordinary women earning the best living they can in a free market with the talents they have, just like the rest of us.

There's the bloody religious brigade, most recently poxy Muslims, whose holier than thou attitude and irrational hatred of all those normal instinctive things that make us happy inflict the real misery on society. Even worse, there's the bloody hypocritical males who are always happy to indulge their own sexual needs but deny the same freedom to women. Women who have a sexual appetite or want to profit from sex must be "sluts" "slags", "tarts". Known a few ladies of the night, intimately as it were, and, as a regular, got to know a couple quite well so they were almost friends. Loved em. Human beings, like the rest of us

Architects of disaster

The situation in Iraq seems to get worse by the day. Once peaceful Basra is now becoming a hotbed of extreme Islamic groups who are even infiltrating the Iraqi police and armed forces and the British soldiers no longer enjoy the relative safety, relative to the Americans to the North that is, that they once enjoyed.

For what? Old ground now but worth a re-mention, here are the official reasons for the invasion we have had at different times in the past

1. Weapons of mass destruction. Never were any. Now the disinformation is out of the way we see how very weak the evidence for them was. There may have been vague plans but not a damn thing that was urgent enough not to give the inspection team more time as Chirac and Schroeder suggested. The idea of any real threat to Europe was always utterly absurd.
2. Hussein supported global terrorism. Never any real evidence whatever, indeed, Bush was advised early on that such evidence was very flimsy. Even prior to the invasion the Americans made so little of this point it was clear they did not believe it either. Hussein ran a secular government that effectively suppressed such movements as they threatened his own regime. If we had wanted to reduce the terrorist threat we would have done much better to invade know hotbeds of such organisations. Like London. Our own government was warned early on by its own advisors that action would increase not reduce the terrorist threat. What do we have now? A hotbed of Islamic extremism and another cause that extremists around the world can use as a rallying point against the West.
3. Hussein was a threat to his neighbours in the region. Who? Kuwait or the oil-rich Gulf of Oman? Or American backed oil-rich and better armed Saudi Arabia? After the first Gulf war????. Nuclear armed Israel? Turkey? Both of these last two mentioned countries are in the world's top ten military powers for both size and effectiveness of their armed forces. (See here) Hussein may have been a bloody dictator, he is not a bloody fool. Only leaves Jordan, Syria and Iran. Like we care about those anyway.
4. Freeing the Iraqui people from oppression. A fine sentiment. Let us leave aside the concept that, from a historical viewpoint, perhaps societies evolve best when they shape their own destinies. But in trying to help, should we not at least make try to make a proper evaluation that our actions WILL help and not leave the recipients of our munificence worse off than they were before? We had a repressive dictatorship that at least left the majority, provided they kept their heads down, unaffected. Now we have people killed indiscrimately by terrorist actions we cannot control. On top of all those killed by the invasion. Tens of thousand by the July following the invasion according to Jack Straw. Yeh, yeh, I can hear some say, easy to be wise after the event. NO! It was very easy to be wise BEFORE the event by those without an entirely different and hidden agenda. Several weeks BEFORE the invasion I said on CUK that a prolonged civil war was a very possible outcome. Was I a genius or an expert on world affairs? No, the plain fact is that anyone with even the most cursory knowledge of that region, particularly of the roots and underlying causes of the Iran-Iraq war would have known it. I have a pub acquaintance who spent some time in Iraq before the war and he told me exactly the same thing before the war began. The government knew it too, but truth came a poor second to their aims.

So what was it really about? As far as Bush is concerned it probably was, in his view, really about America's security. I do not share the popular conception that he is a moron. Behind all the much publicised mangled phrases is a consistent logic. Some of the reported idiocies, on energy policy for example, do actually make sense if you are familar with the area. His Christian right views and especially about "Doing god's will" make him unfit to be the leader of a democracy. Democracy by definition is about talking account of the will of the people here on Earth. But he is not an idiot. I believe he is like the man, who, finding some neighbourhood kid has broken his windows, goes out and gives a good hiding to the first kid he finds. There is a certain logic to that. It instils a fear in the neighbourhood that may well ensure that the windows are not broken again. Unfortunately, is also ensures that he has not a single friend. Most of us, like myself, who were extremely pro American before Bush now only see the utter self centredness of that nation.

And then there is Blair. I have only one explanation. His collossal ego. Unbelievable. His recent pronouncement on defeat of the anti-terror laws "it is better to be right and lose than wrong and win" says everything about the man. The sooner some terrorist blows this fucking lying arrogant scumbag bastard to bits the better it will be for all of us. Then we will get Brown. Another lying scumbag but at least the only blood he has on his hands (so far) is that of the British economy. More of him in a future thread.

Join my campaign

To put an end to anarchy in Iraq what we really need is a strong man to head the country who knows how to deal with insurgents and to root out terrorist elements. Is there such a man? Indeed there is. I have already written my campaign song, and am hoping to get it sung by "The Specials" as they have a great track record in these things.

Altogether now.

I say Free-e-e Saddam Hussein 
I'm begging you 
Free-e-e Saddam Hussein

Apology

I do apologise for the utterly unsavoury nature of the following. However, we at bloggoth do feel you are partly to blame. If you have come here from any sites at which xoggoth regularly posts you should have known.

Saturday morning programs real and imagined

The wife really loves cooking and always likes to watch "Saturday Kitchen". Doesn't interest me at all. I consider I have indulged in creative cookery if I add a tablespoon of water to a microwaved curry and rice, stir, and put it back in for three minutes.

Eating is not my favourite bodily function. My favourite bodily functions all involve output rather than input. It isn't fair they don't cater for my needs too, I pay my licence fee. I appreciate it is a minority thing but why can't they just have a fifteen minute slot? Close ups of Maddurh Jaffrey presenting the Bombay curry with saffron she prepared and ate yesterday. Nigella Lawson in "Friday's meals on Saturday morning" "Here's one I ate earlier" Don't mind if she ate it an hour ago or yesterday, just as long as they zoom the camera in to the appropriate point when she produces it. Mmmm. That does look nicely presented. Or Dehlia Smith, who is always on about juices and freshly milled black pepper and drizzling with olive oil. Love to see some of Dehlia's juices drizzling. She can skip the black pepper though.

Massage and market forces

bloody expensive. Haven't actually been to one of them for years but I pass by a massage parlour every Friday on way to the station and it has the up-front fees inside the door. £30 entrance fee, £25 for the suite and then presumably the lady's services beyond a "straight" costs a fortune on top of that. It used to be a rule of thumb that a hand job was a bit more than the entrance fee, a bonk about three times that and my favourite the "reverse oral" even more.

Sod that. My ascending meanness curve overtook my declining libido curve a few years back. There are supposed to be hordes of Eastern European and other women coming in to work in the sex trade. So why isn't it cheaper? Why do market forces never apply to anything good? It's yet another myth. We are constantly told that immigration and outsourcing to other countries benefits us all but when you actually ask for any examples of this benefit from the tellers there is a resounding silence.

How touching, but...

In the news today, a story about a severely disabled girl who came home for a few hours. Charlotte had had to be rescuscitated several times and the hospital stated that she had a terrible quality of life. She has brain, lung and kidney damage, and has no prospect of developing normally or living an independent life. Her parents obtained a high court ruling to overturn the hospital decision that she should not be resuscited in another life threatening situation.

Had I been her father I daresay I might have done the same but there are wider issues than parental emotion. I will leave the quality of life issue to others for after all that is somewhat conjectural. Probably nobody apart from Charlotte will really knows if life is pleasant or a painful horror or a grey non-existence. What I will mention is the financial cost of this and so many similar cases of premature and severely disabled children. Let's put this into perspective, Caring for a premature baby costs on average £10,000 per WEEK. That's right, about twenty five times the weekly per capita income in the UK.

If anyone actually read this blog, I imagine the woolly headed majority would be horrifed at this comment. I can just hear it. "What?? How can you be so unfeeling and callous? What is money compared to a young girl's life?" Easy, because there is NO SUCH THING AS JUST MONEY. All the wealth we have has to be earned the hard way by all of us. What we do not have to spend because it goes to the NHS, is money we could be spending on the welfare and happiness of ourselves and our own children. What we do give to the NHS has numerous other demands on it. How many liver transplants, cancer treatments, and other life saving or life enhancing treatments could that money pay for?

I do not compare the lives, or in some cases we should be honest and say existences, of Charlotte and so many others who are hopelessly and permanently disabled from birth with money. I compare it more accurately with all the treatments that, but for this dubious expenditure, could otherwise bring a worthwhile and measurable improvement in so many lives.

Crash

It sounds an unlikely time but I felt really good on Monday morning. As the grinding boredom of Tuesday wore on my mood slipped away with the clock that I thought would never reached 6.15 and crashed when I got back this freezing tatty room. Usually make the effort to go to the gym Tuesdays but could not summon the will to do anything but lie on the bed.

I don't think it helped that somebody told me in the coffee room that he had overheard they wanted to extend my contract. I was formally told by one of the anonymous penpushers that, along with others, I would not be needed after Jan 31st. It is always slightly galling not to be wanted but I was very releived, I don't think I can take this much longer. I have only ever had one other contract this awful but at least that was within commuting distance of home, I didn't have to go back to a shithole with a pedantic landlord who thinks it necessary to inform you that you left a switch down on a wallsocket that had nothing plugged into it. Or try and find some way of filling an evening when your brain has been so destroyed by the day that even reading a book or watching TV is impossible.

Difficult to find anything else but if I just leave anyway I will feel guilty depending on the missus again, especially as she is finding her job so hard and unenjoyable at the moment and is just hanging on for the pension. Then if I do stay I will feel guilty that my sister is doing nearly all the work for our educational software company. And then there's the occasional client who wants some more work done. Don't want to lose him by turning the work away but I don't see how I can spend hours on it after the sort of week I have on top of accounts and website updates and other work.

And I'll be 59 next Wednesday. It isn't fair.

What I really need is a weekday woman. Really nothing else matter to me or ever has. Done a few interesting things in my life, hitched round Europe sleeping rough, been down potholes, seen apes in Borneo, emigrated to Australia, been in nut houses, but really it was all passing time. The main things I really want in my life are ridiculous Mills And Boon romance, lots of mutual love and affection and sex, preferably with a lot of bottom and bodily function involvement. Difficult to find women at my age, especially in Derby which appears to be a social wasteland. Perhaps I'll put an ad in the local paper, "Large 50ish woman wanted for lots of very affectionate but messy sex"

Its 7am. Got to go to work soon and not sure I can face it. If my interview next Wednesday doesn't work out I can't think what the hell I'm going to do.

I want that one

Why can't have a bright purple bum like this Mandrill? Animals have all the fun. I intend to go one better and die one buttock ORANGE, the other PURPLE.

Life has passed me by for far too long. What an ice breaker at parties too.

Sex toys

These things all seem so perfectly respectable now, I see even Tiscali have an Erotica page with videos, sex aids etc.

Most of the things on sale are for women, big selection of vibrators. I can well imagine, when us males have to resort to sex with ourselves nothing beats some porn and the good right hand. A few things for males. A glow in the dark vagina! Must be like a preview of what life will be like after the nuclear holocaust! Not including the bit where her clitoris falls off, mutates into a 6 foot squid-like creature and swallows your balls that is.

Then there's those plastic tits at left. Good grief! Does anyone really get turned on by a disembodied pair of plastic tits??

Quite a few butt plugs and anal probes. Pathetic plastic things. Where on earth is the satisfaction of using some awful shop-brought plastic thing? Those of us with creative souls make our own. I sent this plan to Blue Peter once and they did not even have the courtesy to reply.

1. Take 2 sheets of the Daily Telegraph or Times. This recipe will not work with common papers, I suggest Sun or Star readers go out and buy themselves tacky plastic things. Bloody liberal Gaurdian readers can go out and buy themselves a large carrot, it's more environmentally friendly and won't deplete the Ozone layer.
   
   
2. Fold lengthwise twice then widthwise once, roll along the longest length into a tight cylinder and secure with sellotape. You should have a rigid tube about a foot long and one inch diameter.
   
   
3. Now wrap lengths of loo roll round and round to make up the thickness to taste and secure with tape. When close to the thickness you require, be sure to pull less tightly so as to leave a realistic softer cock feel. Be careful not to make it too big, I got a bit over-enthusiastic and my sphincter has not worked properly since.
   
   
4. Secure a squash ball with tape to one end of the tube for a realistically rounded knob end. I used a blue spot ball for that softer feel, but use red or even yellow spot if you prefer it harder.
   
   
5. Cover the whole thing with two condoms to water proof it and tie the lower end.
   
   
6. A piece of string secured to the tied end helps to retrieve it if you push it to far. I know from experience how hard it is to think of a suitable excuse to give the casualty nurse at A&E. Slipping in the bath and falling on your homemade temporary bath plug wears a bit thin when it's your third visit of the evening.
   
   

You now have a delightful hand crafted butt dildo that will give you months of good service at a negligible cost. Use it with pride.

At last I am complete again!

A real man. I have a

VAN

VAN

VAN

VAN

VAN

Blogging honesty

Is blogging a good thing? I mean for the blogger.

Not sure. Some weeks back I posted on CUK about the apparent pointlessness of it, and the dullness of much of it. There is some that are wierd and interesting, some that are very impressive but dull - the authors probably have fiendish IQs - but much of it seems both shallow and dull. I daresay the authors are not necessarily so but let's face it, for various reasons none of us can afford to be entirely honest even if we would like to be. Probably why I like Mrs Catflap's blog, it's the only one I ever look at. Well written and funny, but more importantly, between the light hearted crap about cats or vibrators, there's an intelligent and perceptive person, and all the more a real person because of the openess about her problems.

I have never been very inclined to be open about things, but every now and then, between all the rubbish about bottoms and slugs and similar drivel, which is all I ever intended to write about when I started this, I find I am letting the odd thing slip and suddenly it was never any big deal. Would I have admitted to the odd "Portillo" three months back? Hell no. Now I really don't give a damn. I would never have admitted having ever having had similar mental problems to loony Mrs Catflaps either. But I posted a few bits of encouragement based on experience on her site some weeks back and that didn't seem a big deal either. Honesty could be addictive.

xoggoth suicide starts today

Maybe not just honesty. The world is full of egos and the worlwide web is ideal for those wanting to say "look at me, look at me" Theoretically anyhow, the only real problem is that there are umpteen million others all jumping up and down, virtually speaking, shouting "look at me, look at me". One has to go one better.

I find I am getting totally addicted myself, so therefore, to bring in the hits, I intend to commit suicide on line in a very drawn out way by cutting bits off myself at intervals of my own choosing. If you look in here on such days you will find a picture of another severed piece of xoggoth. I intend to remove these pictures after a day, so all of you had better keep looking in every day or you will miss my severed knob. Starting today with the fingers of my left hand. Sorry about the grubby nails, I've been servicing the boiler. I may have to make a very similar apology about the knob.

Something missing

As far as normal human interaction goes, I appear to have a big chunk missing. I am interested in others if they interest me or if I care for them. Sometimes it's enough that I can feel that I am talking to a human being and not running through a collection of learned responses.

Sometimes I can ask those normal little questions like "how was your day?" and really give a damn. I ask the wife that. I know that, as so often these days, thanks to all the bloody pressures that takes her away from what she wanted to do and what she used to love doing, just teach, the answer will be a long moan. I can't say I always understand, nor even that I am interested, but because I care for her I would listen for as long as it takes. Actually , despite appearances to the contrary on this blog, I am fairly kind hearted and would try and help complete strangers if there was a real need.

It's just the human white noise I hate. Bloody meaningless words that say nothing at all. "Hello, how are you, have a good weekend?" I can almost never bring myself to say more than "Fine thanks". Yeh, yeh, I know one is supposed to say, "Great, what about you?, how was your weekend?" But mostly I really don't give a fuck so honesty makes it stillborn in my throat.

Leaving the house this morning and bloke I share with was there. "Off home later? Yaddah yaddah yaddah" Perfectly nice bloke, and have had a few vodka/wine fuelled conversations with him in evenings that seemed, in our mutually befuddled state, to mean a bit more but I really don't want a conversation in the morning beyond "Have a nice weekend". Then at lunchtime I got the cab from work to the station as usual. Some cabbies are great, had one the other day, we discussed the possibility of some diabolic influence being behind all the accidents at one point on the M6. Then there's the Asian bloke always on about his son being a genius and pursued by every company going. Don't believe a word of it but it's always interesting. Aaagh! today I got Mr whitenoise again!! Going home for the weekend?, where's home for you? What time do you get back? how long is your contract? doing anything nice?. Look, I told you all this last time Moron and the time before that and it was FUCKING BORING then! Shut up!!!

Then there's a bloke at work. Actually very likeable and interesting. Last week we had a great conversation about different ways of disposing of bodies. Funny how you always seem to get the nicest colleagues at the crappest jobs and vice versa. Unfortunately, at regular intervals when he is really bored he will get up and stretch his bad back and comment. "Never mind, it will soon be Friday". He does even this on Monday! Sometimes its "Never mind, it will soon be Christmas" SHUTUP! I'm afraid my irritation shows through.

Every bloody emotion I ever have is entirely obvious these days. Somebody once told me that is characteristic of an extreme extravert. A suppressed extravert apparently which explains my social ineptness in all the conventional situations. I have never had too much respect for conventions and what there is seems to be crumbling by the day.

Mouseholes and stress

I might have menioned once or twice how ratty this awful contract makes me feel. Listening to music helps but it's not a total solution. Yesterday when this bloody program we use was throwing up error after error and the swearing level was starting to mount, somebody chucked me a rubber stress mouse. It's a PC mouse made of foam rubber, nice to squeeze. But for some reason, where the mouse ball is on a real mouse there was a hole. Very soothing to poke one's finger in, apart from the warmth and moisture, just like.... hmmm. Noticeable diminution in stress.

I should have been a gynacologist or a proctologist. I would never be stressed then. Or would I? If I had my finger up the umpteenth fanny or bumhole of the day, would I be getting stressed out with the saminess of it and wishing I had a job in something else, like aircraft software testing??

Family photos and photocopies

Bloke who only comes to this office occasionally sat at the normally vacant PC next to me today and immediately arranged 3 photos of his recent baby in front of the monitor. As babies go, a very decent looking sprog. It is rarely the case with the family photos people bring to work. I always want to wait until everyone else has gone home then wander round the office writing on the photos of hideous families with a big black felt tip. Things like "Christ, that's ugly!" or "What a cute pet pig" or "Is it legal to marry apes where you come from?" Even though it was rather a nice baby I was still very tempted, after he went home, to draw moustaches and big pointy teeth on the photos. On the other hand, he is a very big bloke so, chicken to the last, I decided against it.

On a related theme of images and work, I see in Computer Weekly that at this time of the year, 20% of photocopier technicians report having to replace the glass because drunken employees have been photocopying their bits, tits and arses. It is quite splendid to see that traditions have not stopped springing up in this dull technological age.

PS Anyone texting "ARSE" to 03378 496874 will receive a splendid photo of the xoggoth bum which they may use as mobile wallpaper. Despite its 58 years it is still in quite splendid condition.

PPS Apologies to the actual owners, if any, of that fictional mobile number, I imagine that your phone will be simply clogging up with texts. Better buy another if I were you.

T9 MOde

Just got the hang of this predictive text thing on my phone the other day. Brought it a few weeks back to replace my trusty Nokia 77O. So bored sitting waiting for setup thing on PC to run, 2 and a half hours, I was fiddling around. What?, it doesn't have cunt on it, or arse or.. What sort of bloody prediction is that? Think I'll take it back.

Archbishop of York

I see Dr Sentamu has been enthroned as the first black archbishop of York in an African style service with drums and tribal dancing. Another first for the Church Of England (????). No problem with Dr Sentamu being black, it's just the African bit I have problems with. Is there a church or anything else of England in England anymore? We make so many concessions to the culture of every new arrival, it's debatable how much of our own culture we have left. But then it would be "racist" for a white person to want what appears to be the right of everyone else, a culture and tradition of our own, wouldn't it? I do most humbly apologise for my backwardness in this respect.

As usual, we do not get the best of the other culture anyhow. I am perfectly happy to admit that some other cultures are a lot better than our own in some aspects. You would not have heard a peep out of me if we had had a ceremony like that from the film "Zulu" with all those lovely bare-chested young maidens. Instead we just get the worst of both worlds with bare-chested ugly blokes. Mind you, that bloke on the right is making a very creditable effort at providing some big tit interest.

What we should have had. Inside a cathedral obviously.

A better justice system

Looking again at those suspects in the WPC shooting case. Actually there are two obvious things about them, and the other is how dim and ugly they look. Look at suspects for any crimes of violence or robbery, look at Crimewatch, do they ever look like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise or even your average looking stockbroker? No they do not - low brows, piggy eyes, thick glazed expression, slack mouth, cheap tattoos.

It occurs to me that we could save a lot of money on police and the criminal justice system if we just arrested and imprisoned people on the basis of profiles, not just appearance but other factors such as income, what vehicles they drive, body piercings etc. If you fitted the profile and cannot prove you were somewhere else at the time, that's it - guilty. Some with ridiculous idealistic notions of justice may protest that this would result in innocent people going to prison. I suppose, but just think of the money we would save, and anyway, some sink estate bloke with a shaven head and tattoos is bound to be guilty of something and if not he certainly will be sooner or later. Call it crime prevention.

Not that I am being classist here. Profiling would apply to all elements of society. If some kiddy disappears for example, just arrest all the middle aged scruffy white blokes in the area (unless they are folk singers, archeologists or birdwatchers who have dispensations to look like paedophiles - Bill Oddie for example is entirely innocent), especially if they drive white vans.

Hang on a minute, scruffy, middle-aged white blokes driving white vans? Hmm. Actually, now you come to mention it, there could be miscarriages of justice here. Perhaps my approach needs a rethink.

Whoops

Contractor's are such a bleeding homophobic lots at times. Moans about gay marriages on CUK. Why worry about things that don't threaten us?

I believe absolutely in the permissive society. I don't mean anyone should do what they like, I mean that there should only be restrictions on personal freedom if there is a good and convincing reason in the public interest to the contrary. Religious belief is not a good and convincing reason. Outside of religious faith, and I have none, I can think of no good argument for why homosexuality is wrong anyhow. It's "unnatural"? Even if that is true, it's a non argument, so is putting a frozen piza in a microwave. If people think it's so important to only do what's natural they should be going out and catching dinner with their bare hands. Why single out sex for the "natural" argument.?

The arguments against gay marriages are also inconsistent. For years homosexuals were denounced as promiscuous (which is perfectly true but only because the males involved are not constrained by the very different needs of women) then when some do wish to commit to another person they are told they can't do it.

If you defend gay marriage some will think you're gay. Oh dear. So I put "PS I am not gay" at the end. And, then I thought what does it matter? Why defend individal freedom, say sexuality is a matter of choice and there's nothing wrong with homosexuality anyway and then feel obliged to distance oneself from it. So then I just put the plain truth. "PPS Tried it, didn't like it much" Actually, tried it more than once, well, you have to make quite sure you don't like something don't you?

Ok, so now it's only me who has ever paid for sex, had a Portillo or ever peed in the bath. Right.

Robbery and depression

Somebody at work circulating emails about an armed robbery at the local ASDA. I suppose ASDA being so close, and a main source for lunchtime sandwiches, it's of interest to people here.

I was a witness to an an armed robbery once at a Sainsburies supermarket in Beckenham, South London. Had to attend an identity parade and was not much help really. One white bloke in a balaclava looked much like another so I had to say I wasn't sure. I had a better view than anyone, I just wasn't in a very observant mood. I was standing right outside waiting for the missus opposite this bloke with the shotgun and when they ran out they ran right past me. I walked in and the store appeared empty, everyone was cowering behind the food shelves. There was only calm person there, me.

I would love to say this was down to my indomitable courage, that I laugh in the face of danger. The real reason was the same one that made me so uninterested and unobservant. At the time I was so ground down with the depression that filled most of my life at the time that had I been shot I would have been grateful for the release I did not have the courage to find for myself.

Midland Mainline bogs

On the train back to hell again today. At least the Midland Mainline trains are warm and comfy, not like those awful grubby cold Thamelink things. But why the pointless technology? What's wrong with a bog door you open with a handle? Instead there is this huge curved thing that looks like it must cost about £5000 to make that slides frustratingly slowly back when you press one of the big buttons. Once inside you press another button to close it (Come on, come on!) and then another to lock it. Buttons, buttons, buttons, there is another button to flush, one button for soap. Hang on, where's the button for water? So you cast around tryng to figure out how to get water in the basin. One button you haven't tried just above the open, shut, and lock buttons. Aaaaagh that was the emergency button! I know I am not the only one to press it by mistake, I have heard the alarm go so many times. Sure they can't all be having strokes while straining. Ah! the water is sensor controlled, you thought that might have been the case, but there is a pointless 5s delay so then you think it isn't.

And why are MML bogs so violent? When you flush them they don't just drain normally. They fill with water and then the contents just sits there for about ten seconds, presumably so that those so inclined can inspect it. Or say goodbye to it perhaps? Wouldn't it be terrible if bowel movements had little personalities like children or dogs, what a permanent heartbreak it would be for us all. No, no, please don't pull that lever, I love you daddy. Let me stay with you for ever.

Anyway, after the ten seconds there's an enormous bang and it all just vanishes. Why this enormous bang? Maybe it is a new innovation to prevent the tracks being clogged up in the normal way. I have a vision of Midland Mainline trains having rows of little canons along the side like the Victory, bombarding the surrounding countryside. Oh good shot, straight through the Little Barkam vicarage window, just as the good vicar was getting down to a spot of personal choir practice with one of his boys.

Real men join the army

I see there is another scandal in the army. In this one, an initiation ceremony apparently involved naked recruits wrestling. Isn't it odd that all these things, whether initiation ceremonies or punishments always seem to involve nakedness and/or bits/bum related things like bootblack on the balls or running round the parade ground with a banana up the arse? Reminds me of a little song I like to sing:

Some talk of Alexander and the British Grenadiers
Most of them are pooftahs and the rest of them are queers
And of all the world's great arseholes there's none that can compare
with the bum, titty bum, titty bum, titty bum
of the British Grenadier

I suppose there is a remote chance that a Grenadier gaurd might spot this and decide to come round and punish me for besmirching the honour of the regiment. That's what I was hoping. I'll take me trousers off now shall I?

Food and drink

Missed my train this morning and had time to kill so went into the station coffee shop. It is so complicated choosing from all the coffee varieties so I just asked for an "ordinary one". I certainly asked for regular, not large. Bloody hell, I have seen chamber pots smaller than that. The contents of the latter tasted, I mean, probably would have tasted better too. At other times I have ended up with a thimble full of bitter stuff that was probably battery acid. Now I will confesss I have tried battery acid, It makes your teeth feel all funny.

I blame all these bloody foreigners. British food and drink used to be simple. A mug of very week tea or coffee and the only way you could tell them apart was that the coffee cost more. Baked beans that had been stewed so long they tasted of bakelite, and bacon butties. You knew where you were in them days. Food like that made Britain great.

Global warming

More about this in the Metro today. I don't know why anyone bothers with other news lets just have round the clock coverage of global warming and bird flue. Oh we have!

Why are so many still in denial on this subject?

I do not claim to be a global warming expert but I am a chemical engineer with a number of years in simulation of physical systems including relevant areas of heat transfer and phase change so I can claim to be more knowledgable about the basic process involved than the great majority of the population. I have almost no doubt whatever, global warming is a fact.

A view that is often expressed is "How can we believe scientists on this when they can't predict the weather a week ahead?" This is a gross misunderstanding. Predicting local and short term weather patterns is about micro modelling and very difficult because so many variables are involved. Predicting long terms trends over a wider area is much much simpler because you can ignore the detail.

Let me give you a parallel. You are heating a pan of water on a gas ring. It would need an enormous modeling effort to predict the convection patterns in the water or even to say where boiling would first start. The pan will not be exactly central on the burner and the burner will not burn completely evenly. Variations in the thickness, roughness and reflectivess of the pan metal will all make a difference, as will external influences such as draughts. On the other hand, by the simplest consideration of basic physics we know the water will boil eventually and it would not be to hard to say roughly how long that will take. There are some basic irrefutable facts in global warming too.

1. CO2 levels are rising to historically high levels and at an even more historically high rate. This is reliably measurable with some accuracy and study after study shows it.
2. CO2 does trap more heat than the main atmospheric gases. Methane traps even more. These are simple physical facts.
3. As temperatures rise, this will increase rate of release from immense stores of both of these gases, beneath the sea, in rapidly melting arctic tundra and in soil generally. This is basic thermodynamics.
4. The more temperatures rise due to a) the faster the gases will be released due to c) which again will increase rate of temperature rise and so on, creating an accelerating process. The so called "tipping point" may have been passed already and it may already be to late for CO2 reduction by man to halt the process.

I always like to summarise with a quote from one of my favourite films. In this case I think one from the Clint Eastwood film "Cougan's Bluff" is appropriate. That scene when a man at a cafe table tries to pull a knife on Cougan and he hold the smashed bottle to the bloke's face.

"You won't believe whats going to happen to you"

Stress relief and baths

Just about to have a nice hot bath. The missus said "There some bubble bath here if you want" It was "Radox Stress relief with Rosemary"

Hmmm. I no longer believe anything Radox say on their bottles. Last time I used their "Stress Relief with Rosemary" I lay in that bath until it was luke warm, and their sodding "Stress Relief with Rosemary" didn't even attempt to toss me off. I had to do it myself in the end.

Talk downstairs turned to bathing habits worldwide and throughout history. In Victorian times the man of the house would bathe first, then the other members of the family. I believe they still do that in some more traditional parts of Japan. Here too maybe, although it isn't so formal. Missus said her father will often just warm up the wife's bath water. Not the same hierarchy either, note. The old dad in law has got it right, what is nicer than using a woman's bath water, apart from maybe sharing the bath? Even better if the lady in question has peed in it. Mmmm. Surely everyone pees in the bath? NO? It's just me that does that then is it? Right.

The colleagues strike back

Although I exaggerate a little, I have to confess that much of the xoggoth character in here, in some xoggoth tales and elsewhere on the site is very close to the horrible truth. The "spoof" article How to avoid having your contract renewed without a stain on your character contains many truths. Although I have not (so far) regaled paper clips with selected speeches of Adolph Hitler in Swahili, it is entirely true that I do tend to mutter a lot, perambulate around the office in a zombie walk and sing stupid songs.

Unfortunately my Achille's heel has been discovered. Once I get a song on the brain I find it very hard to get it out. The stupider and more awful the song the more tenaciously it seems to cling. Now when I start to sing a little too loudly, somebody will strike up with Brotherhood Of Man "Save all your kisses for me" Aaaaagh!! I cannot get it out of my head! I get emails entitled "Save all your kisses for me". I come back from lunch to find "Save all your kisses for me" post it notes on my monitor.

Even worse I was stupid enough to mention this cruelty to somebody who knows my mobile number. I was hoping for sympathy for my affliction but should have known better. Now I am getting phone texts "Save all your kisses for me".

  Kisses for me 
  Save all your kisses for me 
  So long honey so long 
  Hang on baby hang on 

Aaaaaaagh. I am going mad!

Let's face the truth - some third world cultures are total shite

On CUK someone has posted pictures of the men wanted in connection with the shooting of two London policewoman. No surprises there, When there are fatal shootings in our cities the complexions and origins of the perpetrators is practically a foregone conclusion.

I do not mean blacks are more violent. I have opposed that contention on CUK and elsewhere. It doesn't fit my personal experience, it doesn't fit the facts worldwide - Barbados is a relatively low crime country for example - and it doesn't fit with history. It would require a total triumph of political correctness over observation to pretend that the black world politically or economically is currently much better than a disaster, however this is explicable in terms of different cultures being in different stages of development. There is nothing we see in Africa that would not have been seen in Europe in past centuries. Indeed, the trend towards democracy in Africa in the past couple of decades has been astonishing.

What I do say is that certain societies at present (not races) are exceedingly lawless and there is a specific problem with criminal gangs. We should examine very carefully the background of anyone from them before admitting them. In the context of these shootings I would certainly include in that list Somalia and Jamaica. Not that the problem countries/cultures are all black. I would like to see at least the same caution applied with respect to Albania and Romania.

Those who think it racist to acknowledge the plain truth about the defectiveness of these and some other cultures or to take necessary precautions should consider that it is nearly always the law abiding majority from those same cultures who suffer from the government's total laxity on immigration controls. It is the small businesses from those same cultures who suffer the protection rackets, innocent bystanders from those same cultures who get shot outside discos, parents from those same cultures who are worried sick about what their sons might be drawn into.

There is a wider problem too of perception. Because we insist on applying general Met labels such as "black on black" violence or "gun crime in the Kurdish community" we encourage the incorrect perception among the majority that these British ethnic groups are defective as a whole. There is no general trend of "black on black" violence as far as I am aware, Ghanaans are not shooting each other. What it mostly is is imported gangsterism, largely by those from the utterly lawless societies of Jamaica and Somalia and by impressionable youths who are unfortunately being drawn into it by the glamourous image.

Our failure to say loud and clear that the cultures, beliefs and practices of some third world countries are utterly defective and unnacceptable and to take necessary precautions does nothing at all for race relations in this country.